(no subject)
i ran out of trazadone. my last dose was last night. good thing its the weekend. im gonna be nice and insomnified for a few days until i get it back. ahh something that pisses me off..my dad uses my "sleeping disorder" to restrict me from stuff. "you can't spend the night because you have a 'sleeping disorder'." "you cant stay out that late because you have a "sleeping disorder." "you cant have that candy because you have a 'sleeping disorder'." well okay, maybe not the candy one, but you get the point. i tell him its NOT that big of a deal if i skip a night of it or take it much later. so he uses that against me when i say i need my pills to sleep. he says that it MUST be a big deal to me then, if i cant sleep without them. ahhhhh! i cant win.
fights are getting more and more excessive as the days go by. i cant go through one day without one anymore i think. yesterday, me and my dad got in a fight about who knows. and i was going to have him get off the xbox so i could watch final fantasy unlimited. he was all pissy about getting off, but the fight he enticed just sealed the deal of him not having to budge from his stupid pirates of the caribbean game.
the thing is, he can't accept that he is wrong. if an argument starts about something, its my fault. "it didnt have to turn into an argument." he just wants me to take everything up the @ss with some yes sir no sirs. i tried stopping the argument yesterday saying "youre right im wrong" before it got very far. he accepted that for a second and then began the argument again. i said it again and he said i was being "smart". i told him i was doing it so that we wouldnt have to argue. he yelled some more and wanted me to say i was sorry or whatever. so i said "im sooo sorry" kinda sarcasticly, not meaning to, but just to shut him up. he exploded and just began yelling and yelling. joyfully enough, his outburst coincided perfectly with rachel lopping me in the side of my head with my huge boots as she was moving them. hmmm emotional AND physical pain. woohoo! it doesnt get much better than that.
so i've most definately came to the conclusion that no matter what i do, no matter what i say, i cant win with my dad. plain and simple. even if i tell him exactly what he wants to hear, he wont accept it because its not sincere. if i tell him i dont want to argue, he says that we arent. and the worst thing he does is this: we will be in an argument (suprise suprise) and after much yelling, it will come to an end some way or another. but no! not for my dad, for about a minute later, he will bring up the same argument all over again because he was still thinking about it. no matter how much i ask or beg him not to do it, he does. rehashing everything we just fought about. and its usually worse than before. ive approached him about him doing this, and he didnt really care. he wouldnt change. because hes never wrong.
i dont know how much longer i can hold out. with all this fighting and then loren coming on monday. i dont want it. i cant stand it. god, i sound so pathetic. b!tching about my stupid problems as if they are something to care about or something anyone else would even want to hear unless they are my therapist. im sorry you had to sit through this, whoever is reading.
i dont know what i'm going to do....i just want to disappear for a week...i dont want to see him...no hellos and no goodbyes. i dont want that awkward silence that comes from not talking for two years and leaving on a bad note. i dont want that look that comes from adults who know i've been in the psychiatric ward. that "you know i love you, right?" face. i've had too many of those. i wonder if he really knows how i feel because i sure as hell dont. maybe he wont look at me at all. then everything would be perfect. he'll just walk right by me without saying a word; as if i was invisible. i think i would prefer that. i just dont want to deal with it.
they're right. i am selfish. and everything in the house revolves around my pathetic issues and f-cked up arguments about nothing in particular...maybe if i can just keep telling myself how selfish i am, it will finally sink in and i wont be that way anymore. maybe if i'd just shut up once in a while like dan is always screaming at me to do. like dad is always screaming at me to do.
i wish....i could just go numb like before.
~winterborn~
fights are getting more and more excessive as the days go by. i cant go through one day without one anymore i think. yesterday, me and my dad got in a fight about who knows. and i was going to have him get off the xbox so i could watch final fantasy unlimited. he was all pissy about getting off, but the fight he enticed just sealed the deal of him not having to budge from his stupid pirates of the caribbean game.
the thing is, he can't accept that he is wrong. if an argument starts about something, its my fault. "it didnt have to turn into an argument." he just wants me to take everything up the @ss with some yes sir no sirs. i tried stopping the argument yesterday saying "youre right im wrong" before it got very far. he accepted that for a second and then began the argument again. i said it again and he said i was being "smart". i told him i was doing it so that we wouldnt have to argue. he yelled some more and wanted me to say i was sorry or whatever. so i said "im sooo sorry" kinda sarcasticly, not meaning to, but just to shut him up. he exploded and just began yelling and yelling. joyfully enough, his outburst coincided perfectly with rachel lopping me in the side of my head with my huge boots as she was moving them. hmmm emotional AND physical pain. woohoo! it doesnt get much better than that.
so i've most definately came to the conclusion that no matter what i do, no matter what i say, i cant win with my dad. plain and simple. even if i tell him exactly what he wants to hear, he wont accept it because its not sincere. if i tell him i dont want to argue, he says that we arent. and the worst thing he does is this: we will be in an argument (suprise suprise) and after much yelling, it will come to an end some way or another. but no! not for my dad, for about a minute later, he will bring up the same argument all over again because he was still thinking about it. no matter how much i ask or beg him not to do it, he does. rehashing everything we just fought about. and its usually worse than before. ive approached him about him doing this, and he didnt really care. he wouldnt change. because hes never wrong.
i dont know how much longer i can hold out. with all this fighting and then loren coming on monday. i dont want it. i cant stand it. god, i sound so pathetic. b!tching about my stupid problems as if they are something to care about or something anyone else would even want to hear unless they are my therapist. im sorry you had to sit through this, whoever is reading.
i dont know what i'm going to do....i just want to disappear for a week...i dont want to see him...no hellos and no goodbyes. i dont want that awkward silence that comes from not talking for two years and leaving on a bad note. i dont want that look that comes from adults who know i've been in the psychiatric ward. that "you know i love you, right?" face. i've had too many of those. i wonder if he really knows how i feel because i sure as hell dont. maybe he wont look at me at all. then everything would be perfect. he'll just walk right by me without saying a word; as if i was invisible. i think i would prefer that. i just dont want to deal with it.
they're right. i am selfish. and everything in the house revolves around my pathetic issues and f-cked up arguments about nothing in particular...maybe if i can just keep telling myself how selfish i am, it will finally sink in and i wont be that way anymore. maybe if i'd just shut up once in a while like dan is always screaming at me to do. like dad is always screaming at me to do.
i wish....i could just go numb like before.
~winterborn~