Maaaybe just a bit of emo here
I am suspecting right now that I'm going through my regular monthly "I fail and suck at life" phase, because I have been completely obsessing over getting rejected by Holy Trinity and nearly broke down in tears in front of my mom just discussing sitting down and composing a business plan for the tea shop because I am so completely terrified that I'm going to fail, and I don't like failing, you see. I'm not very good at failing. I don't handle it well. And not getting that job has been poking at me lately, because, for whatever reason, I wasn't quite good enough for them, and I've been tearing myself apart trying to figure out why that is.
The tea shop. The tea shop sounds like an excellent idea on paper. But whenever I sit down and think about it -- really think about it -- I get this gnawing anxiety in my gut. Will I be able to pull it off? Can I be that dedicated? What happens if it crashes and burns? I already have huge student loan debt to work off -- am I prepared to add to that with the debt of a small business loan? If it fails, I would have to declare bankruptcy, and that scares the shit out of me.
Mom and Tora both have been asking me why I haven't been working on one of the two original novels I've got on my hard drive, and the sad fact of the matter is that I really don't know if they're any good, and I've convinced myself that they're not, and I can't write on them, and it's frustrating and depressing, because, my god, I love to write. I do. And it's really what I want, and just thinking about them makes me want to... I don't know what. I wish I could just work through this ridiculous funk, but I can't. And the two people who you'd think would be all supportive of this? Yeah. My mother and my husband? Neither of them has read either of the started novels. Oh, they started to, way back when I had, like two chapters of UT written, but never got around to it. Now, Tora I can forgive, because, generally speaking, there isn't much he really enjoys reading. He tries in fits and starts, but it never happens.
Mom, on the other hand. Mom kind of pisses me off, because I have asked her several times if she'd read my draft, and every single time, she says the same thing -- she doesn't have time. And I get that she's busy with her stuff, but for fucksake, she's my MOM. She read a bit of it, sure, but I'm almost positive that the part that she read has been so heavily edited that it doesn't even exist anymore. If I want her to read something of mine, I have to nag and nag and ask and beg and weasel and... and I don't want to do any of that.
My confidence level has never been so far in the toilet. And maybe that's why I haven't been writing anything lately -- because I feel like everything I produce is complete crap. I can't write original stuff, I can't manage any sort of ending for OGAM, I feel like I can't do anything that involves writing. I don't know. Maybe I need to go cold turkey off the intarwebs for a week or two and just write. I need to do something. My sanity's at stake here.