I never think of the future, it comes soon enough
Ahhh and so the future does come sooner than I imagined. How many plans did I make for "the summer time" which has come and almost passed? i'm an overflowing bottle of plans and yet I managed to extract maybe a few of which I intended and I'm still full dammit! but then again, I've accomplished quite a bit just in the last few days and i'm proud of it.
I can still feel achy muscles from a frenzy of ripping up old linoleum from our floor. I think it must have been three in the morning before I finished, and it all started with a small patch torn up from our computer chair. There was another funny flower pattern layer of the ugliest red linoleum and then OLD 1942 Indy newspapers used underneath to pad I guess? anyway it was fun to read those old ads about 69 cent panties and old cigarrette ads and articles about war and menopause. yellowed some with age but still in good readable condition. and so now we have wooden floors and my chair rolls around wherever I want with no annoying crunchy noises. hehe. yay!
I'm finally finished scheduling classes for this fall. I think I'll be taking ALL new media classes save for one Japan: The Living Tradition which sounded really amazing to take. So that makes for 13 credit hours and that's not so bad. I'm still mulling over taking this online class about Comics in America on DVD...it sounds like something I'd like...
I keep feeling so overwhelmed and my bones twinge with anticipation for a new school year to start...and I guess it makes me feel like one year closer to getting to where I should have been so long ago. It's odd how one person can put you SO off track of where you want to be, only because you become so blinded by their wants and needs...or atleast I did. I guess if I can account for anything I've needed to learn in life...is that I needed to surface my wants and needs independently from others wants and needs...and though I still "follow" alot of the paths of people I know around me, I tend to think of it as joining them in combined thought rather than following..I hate that word really...I mean noone wants to follow anyone else's path right? Isn't that the whole point of doing what we do, in accord with our own selves? hahah look at me getting all philosophical all of a sudden. So yeah, even if I am making small accomplishments like look I repainted my nails today, so be it. I'm going to have to shake off the things that take me off my course since now it is illuminated GLOWING super green or hell I dunno whatever color I care to see at the time but ya know it's the regrets that get you...it's the passage of a time where you did not know yourself and it is quite a foreign thing to look back upon it and ruminate why it happened, why did it exist, why couldn't I give up the addiction of needing to help someone because in hindsight it was ME that really needed the help and somehow I thought of this as an extension of myself...it's those things that surface when your eyelids shut and you squeeze them too tight to block it all out. Somehow I worry that I will never overcome this, I will never hurdle over this portion of life. It sucks that in a particular moment, you might this huh this is the worst moment of my life...but I think what it really is...is that you will relive it over and over in your memories..and memories are a funny thing to get rid of since the mind has a sort of sick desire of locking away the memories we hate the most. and isn't it these very memories that create so much of the problems in our world? parents abuse children, relationships go awry later in life, they do the same mistakes their parents made and the vicious cycle is completed to be immortalized from generation to generation. sometimes everything seems too much for this aquarian mind that I just must pull away from it all and retreat into some safe part inside until it blows over...everything washes in and out like an ocean tide and I've started to notice the pattern of when things get to be too much for me to handle rationally...
either way, I'm going to make it in the end. And somehow just knowing that, makes me feel like that's enough to get me through the next few years.
sometimes I just don't know when to shut the hell up..what a strange entry indeed.
I can still feel achy muscles from a frenzy of ripping up old linoleum from our floor. I think it must have been three in the morning before I finished, and it all started with a small patch torn up from our computer chair. There was another funny flower pattern layer of the ugliest red linoleum and then OLD 1942 Indy newspapers used underneath to pad I guess? anyway it was fun to read those old ads about 69 cent panties and old cigarrette ads and articles about war and menopause. yellowed some with age but still in good readable condition. and so now we have wooden floors and my chair rolls around wherever I want with no annoying crunchy noises. hehe. yay!
I'm finally finished scheduling classes for this fall. I think I'll be taking ALL new media classes save for one Japan: The Living Tradition which sounded really amazing to take. So that makes for 13 credit hours and that's not so bad. I'm still mulling over taking this online class about Comics in America on DVD...it sounds like something I'd like...
I keep feeling so overwhelmed and my bones twinge with anticipation for a new school year to start...and I guess it makes me feel like one year closer to getting to where I should have been so long ago. It's odd how one person can put you SO off track of where you want to be, only because you become so blinded by their wants and needs...or atleast I did. I guess if I can account for anything I've needed to learn in life...is that I needed to surface my wants and needs independently from others wants and needs...and though I still "follow" alot of the paths of people I know around me, I tend to think of it as joining them in combined thought rather than following..I hate that word really...I mean noone wants to follow anyone else's path right? Isn't that the whole point of doing what we do, in accord with our own selves? hahah look at me getting all philosophical all of a sudden. So yeah, even if I am making small accomplishments like look I repainted my nails today, so be it. I'm going to have to shake off the things that take me off my course since now it is illuminated GLOWING super green or hell I dunno whatever color I care to see at the time but ya know it's the regrets that get you...it's the passage of a time where you did not know yourself and it is quite a foreign thing to look back upon it and ruminate why it happened, why did it exist, why couldn't I give up the addiction of needing to help someone because in hindsight it was ME that really needed the help and somehow I thought of this as an extension of myself...it's those things that surface when your eyelids shut and you squeeze them too tight to block it all out. Somehow I worry that I will never overcome this, I will never hurdle over this portion of life. It sucks that in a particular moment, you might this huh this is the worst moment of my life...but I think what it really is...is that you will relive it over and over in your memories..and memories are a funny thing to get rid of since the mind has a sort of sick desire of locking away the memories we hate the most. and isn't it these very memories that create so much of the problems in our world? parents abuse children, relationships go awry later in life, they do the same mistakes their parents made and the vicious cycle is completed to be immortalized from generation to generation. sometimes everything seems too much for this aquarian mind that I just must pull away from it all and retreat into some safe part inside until it blows over...everything washes in and out like an ocean tide and I've started to notice the pattern of when things get to be too much for me to handle rationally...
either way, I'm going to make it in the end. And somehow just knowing that, makes me feel like that's enough to get me through the next few years.
sometimes I just don't know when to shut the hell up..what a strange entry indeed.