*sigh* *shrug* *sob* (okay, not so much of the *sob*... it just added a nice beat)
*nine*
awww little uk freshmen taking an orientation tour of young. cute.
alright so today is really not the day for updating... it's one of those days that you wake up, it's icky outside, you feel icky inside for whatever reasons, and you just know today is not your best of moods. which doesn't make me very good for updating, especially after so long, but i'll do what i can. just keep in mind. i'm grumpy.
so work's been going along rather slowly as usual, more so since i've found out i can't use these two stains at the same time which backtracks me a little more than i would like. and lc cells are dying in the lab again. great. the vy curse in the snow lab continues.
mcat studying is going along, i think today though i've finally felt motivated, hence the going to young library instead of home where we all know work never happens. i promise i'll work on it as soon as i finish this. plus i have no real excitement in going home at the moment, so i might as well stick around here. plus it looks like it's going to rain and i'm parked a way's away.
i haven't gotten to see too many people of late. people call and we don't make plans or else people don't really stick to plans. which is all a little frustrating and saddening because as much as i want to go out and do things, there's just so much effort involved that it's bound to be a letdown... i know, not the best outlook on social living, but it's a constant mindset i'm in at the moment.
although i am feeling motivated to get involved in more things at school. i need to email some people and get on some applications... but i was thinking back to my time in high school, my high points were my last two years, so maybe that's how college will be too... *fingers crossed*
hmmm... i've seen gomathie since she works all of two steps away from me... i saw kendra when i visited her w/leslie... i've seen eli at lunch... i was going to shop w/moriah but she rain checked (literally) but hopefully i'll see her soon... bo called and despite his mad working i'll hopefully get to see him for the first time in about a year... stef and i went errand doing yesterday which was pretty fun actually, and hopefully we'll get to play tennis for the third time which would be amazing for us (quantity here folks, not quality)... and that's really... been it. as for duke people, i talk to marc (obviously), i got to talk to kristie before she ran off to london, nina emails me every so often from australia, donahue's out in california, omaira's bouncing around europe... it feels like everyone else is doing something with his/her life and i'm still sitting here doing the same old thing. which means i'm bored and living vicariously through everyone else, which is really not the way to live a life.
my summer's been... streaky... i've realized. everything's consistent for all of about a few days and then i kind of fall out of it and miss it. the mcat studying goes through times of utter motivation and times of absolute hopelessness. work goes from being really productive and me feeling useful and doing good hours to everything screwing up and me spending like 3 hours in the lab (*cough* today *cough*). my relationship with my parents is good at times and i see them and joke with them and then we really don't see each other for days and don't really talk at all. i see my friends over the course of many days in a row and then don't hear from them. i have days of when every conversation with marc is great and i feel like even though we haven't seen each other in weeks we're still pretty close and have things to talk about and then other times i feel like i'm not talking to him at all even though we're on the phone for hours. actually that goes for a lot of my friends as of late, just that it feels different at times when i talk to them, there's not real consistency in how easily we can talk and how much we both put into the conversation. i go through continuous days when i'm never hungry but i keep eating and then days when food is the last thing i want to think about. i'm all hyped up about going to play tennis for like a few days and then when it doesn't happen it dies and i don't feel like sweating out in the humidity. days where i hate having my hair down and long so i put it up and then a week of realizing how i don't like how i look with my hair up so i let it down. and i know that's life, but for some reason this summer seems extremely so. like it's not just slow transitions from one to the other, it's like days of this and then suddenly i turn around and it's days of the other. which makes for some up and down moods because i'm happy in the streaks of the good and then it's suddenly gone and i'm sad and miss it or it just messes with me somehow and i feel like my consistency is gone and why are these little things affecting me so much and what's wrong with me that i can't just choose one or the other and have it for a good majority of the time. and so now a lot of times when just an inkling of a sign that things are changing happens, it puts me in a funk because i basically concede myself to just letting it happen and hoping it's short. which is really not a good thing to do at all. and it basically turns into days when i'm utterly happy with myself, with how i've gotten to where i am, with the choices i've made in life and the consequences that have followed... and then it's days of wondering if i screwed up, if i'm really going to look back so fondly on these days or if it's going to be a ton of pointless "what if's," if i'm such a great person why is it that i'm so easily rocked back and forth, that i feel so alone at times when i should be looking at my parents who have taken such good care of me, my friends who have really been there in the times when i did need them, my life which i know full well is one of the better ones i could be living... maybe part of it is that life is changing for me, and who i am is slowly altering... but i've always been known as that girl who did well in school, never caused a problem, kind of sarcastic, but deep down always caring and tries to be selfless... and i feel like the more i come into my own, i realize i'm not those things, at least not as much as i used to be, and it scares me. because behind that label in life, i'd already been accepted... or at least felt so. and now it's changing, i'm not that girl at the head of the class who knows she can only be a doctor, but it's so hard when all my relatives and older friends are like "of course you are vy, you know that's what you want and that's what's going to happen and you'll do fine..." and i'm thinking the whole time "i do?" and i don't want to be selfish per se but i know i can't always think about other people and then expect the same from them or expect that i'll float through life without any troubles because i'm a "nice person"... but it seems like any time i try to maybe speak my mind to make my life a little easier, i feel like i'm letting someone down when i could just deal with it myself. but i'm realizing that if i can't break out of this, how on earth am i ever going to be able to be who i am without having to think about it all the time. i can't make new friends with the old persona i had because i'm really not that person any more, but i don't feel comfortable enough with people to be that open... except maybe with people i've known awhile but then it goes back to how i can't break the mold or else i feel like i'm shocking them when i do. and i've blabbed on for too long now and need to study, so off i go.
awww little uk freshmen taking an orientation tour of young. cute.
alright so today is really not the day for updating... it's one of those days that you wake up, it's icky outside, you feel icky inside for whatever reasons, and you just know today is not your best of moods. which doesn't make me very good for updating, especially after so long, but i'll do what i can. just keep in mind. i'm grumpy.
so work's been going along rather slowly as usual, more so since i've found out i can't use these two stains at the same time which backtracks me a little more than i would like. and lc cells are dying in the lab again. great. the vy curse in the snow lab continues.
mcat studying is going along, i think today though i've finally felt motivated, hence the going to young library instead of home where we all know work never happens. i promise i'll work on it as soon as i finish this. plus i have no real excitement in going home at the moment, so i might as well stick around here. plus it looks like it's going to rain and i'm parked a way's away.
i haven't gotten to see too many people of late. people call and we don't make plans or else people don't really stick to plans. which is all a little frustrating and saddening because as much as i want to go out and do things, there's just so much effort involved that it's bound to be a letdown... i know, not the best outlook on social living, but it's a constant mindset i'm in at the moment.
although i am feeling motivated to get involved in more things at school. i need to email some people and get on some applications... but i was thinking back to my time in high school, my high points were my last two years, so maybe that's how college will be too... *fingers crossed*
hmmm... i've seen gomathie since she works all of two steps away from me... i saw kendra when i visited her w/leslie... i've seen eli at lunch... i was going to shop w/moriah but she rain checked (literally) but hopefully i'll see her soon... bo called and despite his mad working i'll hopefully get to see him for the first time in about a year... stef and i went errand doing yesterday which was pretty fun actually, and hopefully we'll get to play tennis for the third time which would be amazing for us (quantity here folks, not quality)... and that's really... been it. as for duke people, i talk to marc (obviously), i got to talk to kristie before she ran off to london, nina emails me every so often from australia, donahue's out in california, omaira's bouncing around europe... it feels like everyone else is doing something with his/her life and i'm still sitting here doing the same old thing. which means i'm bored and living vicariously through everyone else, which is really not the way to live a life.
my summer's been... streaky... i've realized. everything's consistent for all of about a few days and then i kind of fall out of it and miss it. the mcat studying goes through times of utter motivation and times of absolute hopelessness. work goes from being really productive and me feeling useful and doing good hours to everything screwing up and me spending like 3 hours in the lab (*cough* today *cough*). my relationship with my parents is good at times and i see them and joke with them and then we really don't see each other for days and don't really talk at all. i see my friends over the course of many days in a row and then don't hear from them. i have days of when every conversation with marc is great and i feel like even though we haven't seen each other in weeks we're still pretty close and have things to talk about and then other times i feel like i'm not talking to him at all even though we're on the phone for hours. actually that goes for a lot of my friends as of late, just that it feels different at times when i talk to them, there's not real consistency in how easily we can talk and how much we both put into the conversation. i go through continuous days when i'm never hungry but i keep eating and then days when food is the last thing i want to think about. i'm all hyped up about going to play tennis for like a few days and then when it doesn't happen it dies and i don't feel like sweating out in the humidity. days where i hate having my hair down and long so i put it up and then a week of realizing how i don't like how i look with my hair up so i let it down. and i know that's life, but for some reason this summer seems extremely so. like it's not just slow transitions from one to the other, it's like days of this and then suddenly i turn around and it's days of the other. which makes for some up and down moods because i'm happy in the streaks of the good and then it's suddenly gone and i'm sad and miss it or it just messes with me somehow and i feel like my consistency is gone and why are these little things affecting me so much and what's wrong with me that i can't just choose one or the other and have it for a good majority of the time. and so now a lot of times when just an inkling of a sign that things are changing happens, it puts me in a funk because i basically concede myself to just letting it happen and hoping it's short. which is really not a good thing to do at all. and it basically turns into days when i'm utterly happy with myself, with how i've gotten to where i am, with the choices i've made in life and the consequences that have followed... and then it's days of wondering if i screwed up, if i'm really going to look back so fondly on these days or if it's going to be a ton of pointless "what if's," if i'm such a great person why is it that i'm so easily rocked back and forth, that i feel so alone at times when i should be looking at my parents who have taken such good care of me, my friends who have really been there in the times when i did need them, my life which i know full well is one of the better ones i could be living... maybe part of it is that life is changing for me, and who i am is slowly altering... but i've always been known as that girl who did well in school, never caused a problem, kind of sarcastic, but deep down always caring and tries to be selfless... and i feel like the more i come into my own, i realize i'm not those things, at least not as much as i used to be, and it scares me. because behind that label in life, i'd already been accepted... or at least felt so. and now it's changing, i'm not that girl at the head of the class who knows she can only be a doctor, but it's so hard when all my relatives and older friends are like "of course you are vy, you know that's what you want and that's what's going to happen and you'll do fine..." and i'm thinking the whole time "i do?" and i don't want to be selfish per se but i know i can't always think about other people and then expect the same from them or expect that i'll float through life without any troubles because i'm a "nice person"... but it seems like any time i try to maybe speak my mind to make my life a little easier, i feel like i'm letting someone down when i could just deal with it myself. but i'm realizing that if i can't break out of this, how on earth am i ever going to be able to be who i am without having to think about it all the time. i can't make new friends with the old persona i had because i'm really not that person any more, but i don't feel comfortable enough with people to be that open... except maybe with people i've known awhile but then it goes back to how i can't break the mold or else i feel like i'm shocking them when i do. and i've blabbed on for too long now and need to study, so off i go.