God Blessed the Broken Road. Chapter Nine.
Written by: lady_lilith and lady_death.
Title: God Blessed the Broken Road. Chapter Nine.
Fandom: MLB: New York Yankees.
Characters: Andy Pettitte, Joe Girardi.
Word Count: 2,555.
Rating: PG-13.
Summary: Sometimes words aren't enough to express everything that needs to be known.
Author's Notes: This is set on August 27, 2010, in the hotel, after the game. The Yankees lost to the White Sox, 9-4, in Chicago.
Sitting propped up in bed, his Bible is laid is across his lap as he reads quietly to himself. One leg is casually thrown over Joe's, but the contact is incidental. He wouldn't know how to lie this close to him without meshing their personal boundaries. Occasionally, glances are thrown at Joe to see how his work is progressing.
Reading through the game's charts, scribbling some notes onto a notepad on the bed next to him. Flips back and forth between pages, shaking his head, writing more notes, occasionally talking with his hands even if he's not speaking out loud.
"Joe..." It's been a few minutes and the pages of the book have not turned, one passage in particular catching his attention.
Not looking up from his notes, "Yes?"
"I'm sorry, you're more busy than I realised. It's nothing that can't wait longer."
Puts his pen down, "No, the more I look at it, the less sense it makes. Please distract me for a little while."
"You're sure about that? I wouldn't wanna hear later that I kept you from some crucial work. I can keep myself occupied for a little while longer."
"I'm sure. I need to look away for a bit, maybe it will make more sense when I go back to it." Closes the binder, setting it aside.
Taking the chance to look at him, what was on the tip of his tongue is forgotten for the moment. Reaches out to smooth out a line marking his forehead, "You look tired, maybe it's best you stop for now."
Sighs, "A break is a good idea. What did you want to talk to me about?"
"Actually, I was hopin' I could read you a passage. I've been readin' it again and again and I can't help feelin' that it's talkin' directly to me."
Moves closer to him, "Please do."
Picks up the book, angling where Joe can read it for himself if he chooses, "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."
Closes his eyes, to better listen to his voice and the words. Lets a silence settle, listening to the words echo in his mind for a moment. Opens his eyes to meet his, "Yes, that's just how I feel about this. About us. I have always believed that friendship is the best foundation to build a relationship on and what is stronger than ours?"
"I can't picture a more solid foundation. I know I've been both those men. I've built in sand before and like that second man I was shocked when the walls of my life came crashin' down around me. I ignored the things I shoulda paid attention to and when the storm came I got blown away by it. I've never been so sure that right now I'm that first man. I'm listenin' and you're that rock I can be sure of. Whatever comes, it's not gonna carry us away."
"I feel blessed to be able to share with you that kind of security. I know what kinds of storms this foundation has already faced and survived and that makes me all the more sure that anything we build on it will be safe from whatever we have to face in the future."
"I need you to know the kind of love I have for you. It's been--I've been askin' for a way to tell you--" Takes a breath, "The reason I can tell you is 'cause I do have faith that we've spent a longtime formin' the kinda bonds that last, but I need to know that you wanna take that role. You want to be a rock in this."
"I've been thinking how glad I am that I never made a move back in '96 when I first knew I had feelings for you. I was certainly attracted to you, but it took years of learning every bit of your personality to know I was in love with every part of you, and I feel like it we had rushed this back then, we would never have created that foundation. This, I know, I know it will last through whatever storm, because it already has. It's not a question of if I want to take that role now, I already have."
"But takin' it and wantin' it aren't the same thing. It's important to me to know I'm not forcin' you into anything you don't want to do. I'm not makin' you unhappy. I need to know---" Shakes his head, at a loss for the right words, "I hear that you love me. That sends thrills through my whole body and mind whenever you say those words. But you haven't..."
"This is as far from unhappy as I've ever been. But what haven't I done?"
Frowns, "You love me, but how do I know you aren't gonna let go?"
"Andy, I'm not going anywhere, no matter what. I haven't gone anywhere in fourteen years, I'm not going anywhere now that I can be with you. How do I prove that to you in a way that makes you believe it like I do?"
"You weren't with me those years. It's not that I think you're goin' anywhere, but worse, that you'll be here, but you won't want me here with you."
"But that's what I'm trying to say, I was with you. Not romantically, but as your friend. And that's almost more important than how much I love you, because that's our foundation. And that will never change. I have always wanted you in my life and I will always want you in my life."
Frustrated, "But I don't want to be just your damn friend!" Breathes, trying to find a calmer tone of voice, almost as upset by the very act of having such an outburst.
Keeping his calm through the outburst, "You are more than my friend. And having you here, having you be mine and being able to love you in all the ways I've always wanted to, that's making me happier than I've ever been."
Halfway through what he says, straddles his lap, heedless of the papers he was working on, seizing instead upon the one word he's been looking for without knowing it, "That is what I want. I want to be yours."
Resting his hands on his hips, holding his eyes for a moment, speaking as deliberate as he can. "You are mine. And you need to know, to believe that I am not giving you up."
The word has an immediate effect, loosening something inside his chest so that when he looks at him it's even more unguarded than before, with more love shinning through. "I believe you."
"Good, because nothing is more true." Pulls him closer, wanting to feel that look in his whole body. "I love you, Andy. And nothing will change any of this."
"I don't want to be loved as your friend. This isn't something that can be shared between friends. This is stronger than that, deeper. I wanna belong with you in a way it'd be impossible to separate us." Stretches out so he can close the remaining distance between them, "I love you too. I like bein' yours."
Wraps his arms around him, "You belong with me in a way that goes deeper than friendship or than any love affair could. There's no going back from here, there's no 'slow' anymore with what you want and what I want to give you. You are mine, Andy, down to my soul, to your soul."
"I don't know how to do slow around you. My heart remembers every moment we've ever spent together. It's not like bein' with someone else, or startin' fresh. I don't wana lose this too. I can't and I needed to--that's what I needed to hear that we got this connection. That you feel it too. That you want me like you want nobody else. I can't be just another friend with you. Spendin' moments together where I'm allowed to really see you, where I can think about you the way I have wanted to, what I been findin' is I love you more and more. There are so many reasons why you got my heart. And it's terrifyin'. It's terrifyin' to think I'm sinkin' this far on my own. But you're tellin' me I'm not. You're tellin' me it's okay to trust these feelings. That's all I been wantin' from you."
"You can trust that I love you, that I want you like I never have wanted anyone, like I never could want anyone else. This feeling is something that has been and will only be just for you. You know you can trust me but you can trust those feelings too. You don't have to guard anything or hold back because you're not alone in how you feel, in what you want. This isn't going to change, you don't have to fear that. I am yours just like you are mine."
About to kiss him, holds off, bringing his eyes back up to lock with his, "Can you say that last part again?"
"That I'm yours, just like you're mine."
Reads the honesty in his look, but that only lasts a moment as he's crushing their mouths together in the next instant. Finding some purchase on his body, rolls them over so that their positions are reversed. The kiss itself is not demanding, but there's a question there to be shown without words that he means everything he's said.
In that moment, in that kiss, his whole focus is to show him that he not only means every word he's said and then some, but that he's willing to back them up with actions and emotions as well. It's completely open and honest, almost terrifyingly so.
Claws at his back, wanting to bring him even closer and maybe too as a way to hang on. It's like jumping onto a speeding train, from a standstill to his breath hitching and his heart hammering in his ears in a split second. Every emotion that pours out of him, he wants more of it, needing to be overwhelmed.
Holds tight to him, pressing them closer as if they could become one person in that moment. Never has he shown, or given, so much emotion at once and yet there's more to give. The more Andy wants, the more he asks for, the more he'll get. There's no thought or time to refine or explain, it's just a pure unadulterated rush of everything he's feeling all at once.
His lower body ruts against him in wild frantic motions, but it doesn't matter. He can't give any attention to the hardness that is straining through layers of material. Even the delicious feel of their tongues sliding together is unimportant to this sense that they could merge together if they tried, that he's giving away a little part of his soul in every kiss. Refinedness isn't needed, neither are words, nothing could be better than this raw outpouring.
The high this moment, these emotions are producing is so much stronger than he's ever felt before, through his entire body all at once, and yet he knows there's more to show and more to have and that there will always be more no matter how high they go. An unearthly feeling that he needs to share, that he needs him to understand.
His response is a little keening noise, unable to speak his comprehension. He just knows he's being offered a precious gift, something that no one else has given him before. He can't imagine being anywhere else or not wanting this, not wanting to explore the great heights they can reach. In this moment he wants nothing more than to give himself over completely.
Pulls back just a little because he needs to see his eyes, he needs to see what even he can't find strong enough words to express. Not just that he is willing to accept what he's offering but that he's offering it as well.
It's the realisation of what that offer real means hitting home that rocks his whole body, making him gasp for breath. His hands slide over him, touching everything within reach because they can and all of this his. "Yes." Is all he can managed, but every part of him shouts, 'Yes, this is what I want. Yes, I accept. Yes, you're mine too.'
That's all he needs, not even the word, but the look in his eyes, the feel of his body, his touch. Relief pours over him, the last slight hold back is gone, his whole body relaxes at once a tension he didn't realise he had. The kiss is not seeking passion but giving him the purest form of love he can show.
Smiles into the kiss, it's impossible to stop smiling now, and the only reason he breaks away is to distribute kisses all over his jaw and down his neck. Each one trying to show his devotion. Each one saying that there is no part of him he doesn't want or love.
Gives him a very soft sound, closing his eyes to feel not just the kisses, but to feel him, to bask in this connection. Whispers of "I love you" aren't enough to express the feeling but they're the only words he has in the moment.
Nudges him onto his back, too restricted underneath him. Once free, continues this slow adoration. He echoes back the words with touches. Every "I love you" receives a more thorough exploration of whatever spot he happens to be mapping with his the joined effort of lips, tongue, and hands. Though sometimes he's brought up short by just the sight of him. It still leaves him humbled to know he can do this.
Even as his touches cause his whole body to respond and his eyelids to flutter, tries to keep his hands and especially his eyes on him, to really see, to understand that no matter how much he'd thought about this in the past, having him here, being able to give him what he could and to feel him fully return it, is better than he could have ever imagined.
Catches his hand, kissing his palm. It's better than he imagined too. In this language of caresses spoken with his fingers he feels entirely confident to tell him everything he stumbles over with words. Here it is easy to open his heart to show him how much he'd be missed if he ever left, how much he needs and adores him, how much he has cherished every moment they've spent together and every moment that will come after this one.
Title: God Blessed the Broken Road. Chapter Nine.
Fandom: MLB: New York Yankees.
Characters: Andy Pettitte, Joe Girardi.
Word Count: 2,555.
Rating: PG-13.
Summary: Sometimes words aren't enough to express everything that needs to be known.
Author's Notes: This is set on August 27, 2010, in the hotel, after the game. The Yankees lost to the White Sox, 9-4, in Chicago.
Sitting propped up in bed, his Bible is laid is across his lap as he reads quietly to himself. One leg is casually thrown over Joe's, but the contact is incidental. He wouldn't know how to lie this close to him without meshing their personal boundaries. Occasionally, glances are thrown at Joe to see how his work is progressing.
Reading through the game's charts, scribbling some notes onto a notepad on the bed next to him. Flips back and forth between pages, shaking his head, writing more notes, occasionally talking with his hands even if he's not speaking out loud.
"Joe..." It's been a few minutes and the pages of the book have not turned, one passage in particular catching his attention.
Not looking up from his notes, "Yes?"
"I'm sorry, you're more busy than I realised. It's nothing that can't wait longer."
Puts his pen down, "No, the more I look at it, the less sense it makes. Please distract me for a little while."
"You're sure about that? I wouldn't wanna hear later that I kept you from some crucial work. I can keep myself occupied for a little while longer."
"I'm sure. I need to look away for a bit, maybe it will make more sense when I go back to it." Closes the binder, setting it aside.
Taking the chance to look at him, what was on the tip of his tongue is forgotten for the moment. Reaches out to smooth out a line marking his forehead, "You look tired, maybe it's best you stop for now."
Sighs, "A break is a good idea. What did you want to talk to me about?"
"Actually, I was hopin' I could read you a passage. I've been readin' it again and again and I can't help feelin' that it's talkin' directly to me."
Moves closer to him, "Please do."
Picks up the book, angling where Joe can read it for himself if he chooses, "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."
Closes his eyes, to better listen to his voice and the words. Lets a silence settle, listening to the words echo in his mind for a moment. Opens his eyes to meet his, "Yes, that's just how I feel about this. About us. I have always believed that friendship is the best foundation to build a relationship on and what is stronger than ours?"
"I can't picture a more solid foundation. I know I've been both those men. I've built in sand before and like that second man I was shocked when the walls of my life came crashin' down around me. I ignored the things I shoulda paid attention to and when the storm came I got blown away by it. I've never been so sure that right now I'm that first man. I'm listenin' and you're that rock I can be sure of. Whatever comes, it's not gonna carry us away."
"I feel blessed to be able to share with you that kind of security. I know what kinds of storms this foundation has already faced and survived and that makes me all the more sure that anything we build on it will be safe from whatever we have to face in the future."
"I need you to know the kind of love I have for you. It's been--I've been askin' for a way to tell you--" Takes a breath, "The reason I can tell you is 'cause I do have faith that we've spent a longtime formin' the kinda bonds that last, but I need to know that you wanna take that role. You want to be a rock in this."
"I've been thinking how glad I am that I never made a move back in '96 when I first knew I had feelings for you. I was certainly attracted to you, but it took years of learning every bit of your personality to know I was in love with every part of you, and I feel like it we had rushed this back then, we would never have created that foundation. This, I know, I know it will last through whatever storm, because it already has. It's not a question of if I want to take that role now, I already have."
"But takin' it and wantin' it aren't the same thing. It's important to me to know I'm not forcin' you into anything you don't want to do. I'm not makin' you unhappy. I need to know---" Shakes his head, at a loss for the right words, "I hear that you love me. That sends thrills through my whole body and mind whenever you say those words. But you haven't..."
"This is as far from unhappy as I've ever been. But what haven't I done?"
Frowns, "You love me, but how do I know you aren't gonna let go?"
"Andy, I'm not going anywhere, no matter what. I haven't gone anywhere in fourteen years, I'm not going anywhere now that I can be with you. How do I prove that to you in a way that makes you believe it like I do?"
"You weren't with me those years. It's not that I think you're goin' anywhere, but worse, that you'll be here, but you won't want me here with you."
"But that's what I'm trying to say, I was with you. Not romantically, but as your friend. And that's almost more important than how much I love you, because that's our foundation. And that will never change. I have always wanted you in my life and I will always want you in my life."
Frustrated, "But I don't want to be just your damn friend!" Breathes, trying to find a calmer tone of voice, almost as upset by the very act of having such an outburst.
Keeping his calm through the outburst, "You are more than my friend. And having you here, having you be mine and being able to love you in all the ways I've always wanted to, that's making me happier than I've ever been."
Halfway through what he says, straddles his lap, heedless of the papers he was working on, seizing instead upon the one word he's been looking for without knowing it, "That is what I want. I want to be yours."
Resting his hands on his hips, holding his eyes for a moment, speaking as deliberate as he can. "You are mine. And you need to know, to believe that I am not giving you up."
The word has an immediate effect, loosening something inside his chest so that when he looks at him it's even more unguarded than before, with more love shinning through. "I believe you."
"Good, because nothing is more true." Pulls him closer, wanting to feel that look in his whole body. "I love you, Andy. And nothing will change any of this."
"I don't want to be loved as your friend. This isn't something that can be shared between friends. This is stronger than that, deeper. I wanna belong with you in a way it'd be impossible to separate us." Stretches out so he can close the remaining distance between them, "I love you too. I like bein' yours."
Wraps his arms around him, "You belong with me in a way that goes deeper than friendship or than any love affair could. There's no going back from here, there's no 'slow' anymore with what you want and what I want to give you. You are mine, Andy, down to my soul, to your soul."
"I don't know how to do slow around you. My heart remembers every moment we've ever spent together. It's not like bein' with someone else, or startin' fresh. I don't wana lose this too. I can't and I needed to--that's what I needed to hear that we got this connection. That you feel it too. That you want me like you want nobody else. I can't be just another friend with you. Spendin' moments together where I'm allowed to really see you, where I can think about you the way I have wanted to, what I been findin' is I love you more and more. There are so many reasons why you got my heart. And it's terrifyin'. It's terrifyin' to think I'm sinkin' this far on my own. But you're tellin' me I'm not. You're tellin' me it's okay to trust these feelings. That's all I been wantin' from you."
"You can trust that I love you, that I want you like I never have wanted anyone, like I never could want anyone else. This feeling is something that has been and will only be just for you. You know you can trust me but you can trust those feelings too. You don't have to guard anything or hold back because you're not alone in how you feel, in what you want. This isn't going to change, you don't have to fear that. I am yours just like you are mine."
About to kiss him, holds off, bringing his eyes back up to lock with his, "Can you say that last part again?"
"That I'm yours, just like you're mine."
Reads the honesty in his look, but that only lasts a moment as he's crushing their mouths together in the next instant. Finding some purchase on his body, rolls them over so that their positions are reversed. The kiss itself is not demanding, but there's a question there to be shown without words that he means everything he's said.
In that moment, in that kiss, his whole focus is to show him that he not only means every word he's said and then some, but that he's willing to back them up with actions and emotions as well. It's completely open and honest, almost terrifyingly so.
Claws at his back, wanting to bring him even closer and maybe too as a way to hang on. It's like jumping onto a speeding train, from a standstill to his breath hitching and his heart hammering in his ears in a split second. Every emotion that pours out of him, he wants more of it, needing to be overwhelmed.
Holds tight to him, pressing them closer as if they could become one person in that moment. Never has he shown, or given, so much emotion at once and yet there's more to give. The more Andy wants, the more he asks for, the more he'll get. There's no thought or time to refine or explain, it's just a pure unadulterated rush of everything he's feeling all at once.
His lower body ruts against him in wild frantic motions, but it doesn't matter. He can't give any attention to the hardness that is straining through layers of material. Even the delicious feel of their tongues sliding together is unimportant to this sense that they could merge together if they tried, that he's giving away a little part of his soul in every kiss. Refinedness isn't needed, neither are words, nothing could be better than this raw outpouring.
The high this moment, these emotions are producing is so much stronger than he's ever felt before, through his entire body all at once, and yet he knows there's more to show and more to have and that there will always be more no matter how high they go. An unearthly feeling that he needs to share, that he needs him to understand.
His response is a little keening noise, unable to speak his comprehension. He just knows he's being offered a precious gift, something that no one else has given him before. He can't imagine being anywhere else or not wanting this, not wanting to explore the great heights they can reach. In this moment he wants nothing more than to give himself over completely.
Pulls back just a little because he needs to see his eyes, he needs to see what even he can't find strong enough words to express. Not just that he is willing to accept what he's offering but that he's offering it as well.
It's the realisation of what that offer real means hitting home that rocks his whole body, making him gasp for breath. His hands slide over him, touching everything within reach because they can and all of this his. "Yes." Is all he can managed, but every part of him shouts, 'Yes, this is what I want. Yes, I accept. Yes, you're mine too.'
That's all he needs, not even the word, but the look in his eyes, the feel of his body, his touch. Relief pours over him, the last slight hold back is gone, his whole body relaxes at once a tension he didn't realise he had. The kiss is not seeking passion but giving him the purest form of love he can show.
Smiles into the kiss, it's impossible to stop smiling now, and the only reason he breaks away is to distribute kisses all over his jaw and down his neck. Each one trying to show his devotion. Each one saying that there is no part of him he doesn't want or love.
Gives him a very soft sound, closing his eyes to feel not just the kisses, but to feel him, to bask in this connection. Whispers of "I love you" aren't enough to express the feeling but they're the only words he has in the moment.
Nudges him onto his back, too restricted underneath him. Once free, continues this slow adoration. He echoes back the words with touches. Every "I love you" receives a more thorough exploration of whatever spot he happens to be mapping with his the joined effort of lips, tongue, and hands. Though sometimes he's brought up short by just the sight of him. It still leaves him humbled to know he can do this.
Even as his touches cause his whole body to respond and his eyelids to flutter, tries to keep his hands and especially his eyes on him, to really see, to understand that no matter how much he'd thought about this in the past, having him here, being able to give him what he could and to feel him fully return it, is better than he could have ever imagined.
Catches his hand, kissing his palm. It's better than he imagined too. In this language of caresses spoken with his fingers he feels entirely confident to tell him everything he stumbles over with words. Here it is easy to open his heart to show him how much he'd be missed if he ever left, how much he needs and adores him, how much he has cherished every moment they've spent together and every moment that will come after this one.