years later - I find what I am thinking...fuck,
Aug. 21st, 2002 @ 01:27 pm (no subject)
What I want to do is quit my job and work 2 part time jobs. One in a bookstore, one in a bar. I know it sounds ridiculous. I have a well-paying, high position, time off whenever I need it, all the internet access a person could ever need, commissions, 2 weeks paid vacation, an assistant...and yet, I am so incredibly frustrated with my life, my job, my everything. I just want to run away. But if I think about it, it's not really running away. It's living. It's shaking the mix and going way out on a limb. Yes, that limb may break and I may crash back to the earth, but wouldn't it be worth it? To breathe in new people, new environments, create a new destination. I read all of this crap about other people's lives, their excitement, their defeats, their *moments*, and I want that for me. Kerouac, Ginsberg, Sexton...as crazy as they all were, they lived.
So, what is it that I really want? Freedom, beauty, a life worth writing about? Yes, and more. I think too much, but I don't KNOW anything. In the end, everywhere we go, every new thing, eventually ends of being the old thing, stale and boring, a cesspool for drama to breed. Is that what it always is? How do I find something that makes me feel as if life is real, and not just something that happens around me.