Semirelated to that last
This jpg spoke to me last night. It reads, "forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it."
Mom has been in my head so very much these last several weeks. I went to Rosh Hashana morning services in a synagogue her grandfather was once president of, and who was at the groundbreaking; I'm certain she at some point in the following years attended services in that very room. I visited a friend of hers in Westport, who told me of first meeting Mom in the late 40s when my grandfather was a journalist in then Palestine. I went to the local beach with her ashes*, found the very spot where said friend had taken a picture of her 30 years ago, the picture I'd left atop the box of her ashes all year, and which I didn't learn until that day was from right there. I walked the land of another friend of hers, 'with her.' I found clamstrips while in Bostonish, my last meal before going kosher for the holy days. Something she and I would do. I remember liking clamstrips better than I did this time.
I have so many things I want to talk with her about. And there are so many things that still stick in my mind, some of which at least this graphic above can help with, and some of which I can't pretend I didn't know - instead I didn't have the cope. But that's also something I do need to forgive myself for.
One of the bits that remains so hard is that Mom's mother and grandmother each lived past 90. And she died of a thing at just before 77 that her mother had fixed in her early 80s. The difference was noticing in time. And there were many different things that went into that not happening.
Bipolar stole so much from her. As did so many different entities who made it worse.
I don't have time right now to write on musings of forgiveness, thoughts from the discussions after the families from the church in NC forgave the shooter -- that forgiveness isn't about the other, but not letting the anger eat oneself.
I'm meeting cousin in 45 min for a meal before services. Last food or water until sundown tomorrow. Need to shower and dress and drink a ton of water. Maybe more caffeine.
Need to make sure to write.
*yes, completely outside Jewish tradition
Mom has been in my head so very much these last several weeks. I went to Rosh Hashana morning services in a synagogue her grandfather was once president of, and who was at the groundbreaking; I'm certain she at some point in the following years attended services in that very room. I visited a friend of hers in Westport, who told me of first meeting Mom in the late 40s when my grandfather was a journalist in then Palestine. I went to the local beach with her ashes*, found the very spot where said friend had taken a picture of her 30 years ago, the picture I'd left atop the box of her ashes all year, and which I didn't learn until that day was from right there. I walked the land of another friend of hers, 'with her.' I found clamstrips while in Bostonish, my last meal before going kosher for the holy days. Something she and I would do. I remember liking clamstrips better than I did this time.
I have so many things I want to talk with her about. And there are so many things that still stick in my mind, some of which at least this graphic above can help with, and some of which I can't pretend I didn't know - instead I didn't have the cope. But that's also something I do need to forgive myself for.
One of the bits that remains so hard is that Mom's mother and grandmother each lived past 90. And she died of a thing at just before 77 that her mother had fixed in her early 80s. The difference was noticing in time. And there were many different things that went into that not happening.
Bipolar stole so much from her. As did so many different entities who made it worse.
I don't have time right now to write on musings of forgiveness, thoughts from the discussions after the families from the church in NC forgave the shooter -- that forgiveness isn't about the other, but not letting the anger eat oneself.
I'm meeting cousin in 45 min for a meal before services. Last food or water until sundown tomorrow. Need to shower and dress and drink a ton of water. Maybe more caffeine.
Need to make sure to write.
*yes, completely outside Jewish tradition