(no subject)
I wish our plans hadn't fallen through. He tried his best, I know, but god damnit. I really wanted to see him. I really needed to see him. I had such a bad day. He was to be my light in the endless sea of shadows which made up the day. He told me to call him after work, I didn't, I couldn't. I almost cried when he said he couldn't come. I wonder if he heard it in my voice? I'm so pathetic. God. I just.....I don't know. I just really want to see him. What does it matter anyway, though? Seeing him wouldn't change anything. I got the worst headack after we talked, that always happens when I hold back tears. Then if I cry when I have a headack it only makes my head pound worse. I was just shit out of luck. Down and out. God I need him right now. But I won't go to him, I won't call on him, no matter how much I want or need to. I must wait for him to come to me. Haha, who am I kidding? He's not goint to come to me. I'll be lucky to hear anything form him for the rest of the night. I think I will just let go. I can't hold it back anymore. So what if they see my tears, better tears than blood, right? Blood. Oh, how I just want to let it flow right now. Dear God! How I want to cut. I could just replenish the scar, the "HATE" on my leg. Oh, the hatrid, the self loathing. No! I mustn't. I promised I would stop, and I have, so I cannot ruin it now. Where else have I to go? But God I need the blood. I can feel the tears erupting even now. Who cares though? Haha. Who really cares now?