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I haven't been on here in a long time because each time I tried to log on to read the latest in friend's entries, an advert popped up and turned me off enough to not bother sitting through it. Also, everything is re-posted from somewhere else or can be better viewed on Facebook (which I have been forced to spend ever-more time on) or Twitter (Which I am still refusing ot submit to). I miss simpler days when all I had were this and my myspace page and I knew everyone personally on both and we all communicated regularly. Now its like everyone has faded away, just moved on to some greater science or retreated into analog hermit-ism.
Older and farther away, my friends are harder to get a hold of now that everything is online. We don't trust ourselves to talk about personal things because its too much hassle and too risky that our Mom/ Boss/ the Government/ our Ex will find it and think ill.
I'm no different. In my last few months of ups and downs I have lost my will to communicate in writing, reluctant to admit my fears even to myself because it seems too real and too permanent.
On Facebook, everything is fast and faceless. You click the screen to like or become a fan of something. All statements are mini-blurbs of minimal substance and often lacking entirely in regard for the language as it was originally intended, making us all into English-as-a-Second-Language candidates.
There are so many things in my life right now, in my mind and in my own body, that I so desperately want (and in all likelihood need) to share with the people whom I care about, to catalog and document for future generations, to feel less alone... But I feel powerless to state them. I just watch syndicated runs of Buffy and Supernatural, then I eat and take a nap. I check my 3 myspaces and 4 facebooks and Cracked.com a thousand times a day, but there's never anything interesting or lasting or real.
Recently, on facebook, my main one anyway, I got back in touch with a few people I hadn't spoken to in 5-10 years. We talk through emails at length and actually say things that make me feel better. But even that doesn't last or feel substantial enough. Its all hard to say, but on top of my existential crisis of self, there is this outside feel ing that everyone around me beat me to a punchline I still am not aware of.
I miss Lee. I miss Guppy. I miss Arizona. I miss being 21-24. I miss couch-hopping and chain-smoking and (sometimes, briefly) I even miss the punch-fucking and the drinking. I certainly miss the freedom and the gaming and the writing and the live music. I miss the shit out of Hydra and Hank and having a job to go to every day.
Then go back to before all that, to the last time I had this kind of unexplained and ill-defined notion of myself; I miss ages 17-19, the parts I was awake for anyway. I miss feeling in control of my own body and sexuality for the first time. I miss having my car. I miss dating and working at the Western Stage and collage classes and i even miss the confusion and the curiosity of developing an adult life away from and inside my family and home.
before that, though only just, I miss this beautiful then-14 year old boy and the way we would look at each other over our books at the library. I miss love notes and holding hands and when a kiss really was just a kiss. I miss innocence. I miss band geeks and drama freaks and singing in the choir. I miss being team captain of my winning Ultimate Frisbee team. I miss not being 18 yet and not knowing what lay ahead of me and always having a friend walking distance away if ever I needed them.
I miss this dream I used to have on a semi-regular basis that was of this boy whom I knew I had never met but he was so real to me, so tangible. This boy was tall and pale with dark curly hair and big blue eyes behind silver-rimmed glasses. He was smart and determined and out there waiting for me to find him. And his name was Danny.
In truth, I miss Nostalgia itself. I miss knowing myself and the faith and confidence that lent me. I miss hindsight being 20/20 before things got so morally... Fuzzy. I miss having a close relationship with my father. I miss who I used to be but I don't want to go back. I don't want anyone to be who they once were either-- certainly not for my benefit.
I don't know how to write what I'm feeling.
I don't know how to be 27 years old.
I don't know how to be somebody's mother, especially not a "single mom" in the "great recession".
I don't know how to keep my once-perfect Faith in these much less than perfect times.
I know I'm not as alone as I make it sound. I have everything I need, one way or another. And I've never been one to back away from a challenge or to learn from watching others when I could just as easily jump in myself. Change is good, even when its scary. This isn't something I "can do" or at this point, even a thing I "Must Do", but now something I just point-blank Will Do.
Learn by doing. Do by learning. Whatever it takes. If True Love is about giving and giving and deriving Strength from that, then that is my plan. It's a place to start.
True Love isn't about Romance.
Romance isn't about nostalgia.
The past is never "just" the past.
None of that matters.
Because I have 2 hearts beating inside me. I will do Anything, anything to protect and nurture that. For now, that's all I need to know.
If you're reading this, if you're still listening, thank you. Please know that I love you and I miss you and I think about you more often than you might think. I am still right here. Waiting.
Older and farther away, my friends are harder to get a hold of now that everything is online. We don't trust ourselves to talk about personal things because its too much hassle and too risky that our Mom/ Boss/ the Government/ our Ex will find it and think ill.
I'm no different. In my last few months of ups and downs I have lost my will to communicate in writing, reluctant to admit my fears even to myself because it seems too real and too permanent.
On Facebook, everything is fast and faceless. You click the screen to like or become a fan of something. All statements are mini-blurbs of minimal substance and often lacking entirely in regard for the language as it was originally intended, making us all into English-as-a-Second-Language candidates.
There are so many things in my life right now, in my mind and in my own body, that I so desperately want (and in all likelihood need) to share with the people whom I care about, to catalog and document for future generations, to feel less alone... But I feel powerless to state them. I just watch syndicated runs of Buffy and Supernatural, then I eat and take a nap. I check my 3 myspaces and 4 facebooks and Cracked.com a thousand times a day, but there's never anything interesting or lasting or real.
Recently, on facebook, my main one anyway, I got back in touch with a few people I hadn't spoken to in 5-10 years. We talk through emails at length and actually say things that make me feel better. But even that doesn't last or feel substantial enough. Its all hard to say, but on top of my existential crisis of self, there is this outside feel ing that everyone around me beat me to a punchline I still am not aware of.
I miss Lee. I miss Guppy. I miss Arizona. I miss being 21-24. I miss couch-hopping and chain-smoking and (sometimes, briefly) I even miss the punch-fucking and the drinking. I certainly miss the freedom and the gaming and the writing and the live music. I miss the shit out of Hydra and Hank and having a job to go to every day.
Then go back to before all that, to the last time I had this kind of unexplained and ill-defined notion of myself; I miss ages 17-19, the parts I was awake for anyway. I miss feeling in control of my own body and sexuality for the first time. I miss having my car. I miss dating and working at the Western Stage and collage classes and i even miss the confusion and the curiosity of developing an adult life away from and inside my family and home.
before that, though only just, I miss this beautiful then-14 year old boy and the way we would look at each other over our books at the library. I miss love notes and holding hands and when a kiss really was just a kiss. I miss innocence. I miss band geeks and drama freaks and singing in the choir. I miss being team captain of my winning Ultimate Frisbee team. I miss not being 18 yet and not knowing what lay ahead of me and always having a friend walking distance away if ever I needed them.
I miss this dream I used to have on a semi-regular basis that was of this boy whom I knew I had never met but he was so real to me, so tangible. This boy was tall and pale with dark curly hair and big blue eyes behind silver-rimmed glasses. He was smart and determined and out there waiting for me to find him. And his name was Danny.
In truth, I miss Nostalgia itself. I miss knowing myself and the faith and confidence that lent me. I miss hindsight being 20/20 before things got so morally... Fuzzy. I miss having a close relationship with my father. I miss who I used to be but I don't want to go back. I don't want anyone to be who they once were either-- certainly not for my benefit.
I don't know how to write what I'm feeling.
I don't know how to be 27 years old.
I don't know how to be somebody's mother, especially not a "single mom" in the "great recession".
I don't know how to keep my once-perfect Faith in these much less than perfect times.
I know I'm not as alone as I make it sound. I have everything I need, one way or another. And I've never been one to back away from a challenge or to learn from watching others when I could just as easily jump in myself. Change is good, even when its scary. This isn't something I "can do" or at this point, even a thing I "Must Do", but now something I just point-blank Will Do.
Learn by doing. Do by learning. Whatever it takes. If True Love is about giving and giving and deriving Strength from that, then that is my plan. It's a place to start.
True Love isn't about Romance.
Romance isn't about nostalgia.
The past is never "just" the past.
None of that matters.
Because I have 2 hearts beating inside me. I will do Anything, anything to protect and nurture that. For now, that's all I need to know.
If you're reading this, if you're still listening, thank you. Please know that I love you and I miss you and I think about you more often than you might think. I am still right here. Waiting.