I'm not okay (trust me)
Two nights ago my buddy Jake picked me up from my mom's house. He and I talked about "the event" (as my circle has come to call it). I said that every night I dream about this perfect world where in Dani and me are still together, living happily ever after, having sex on a regular basis, eventually getting married as planned and having 2.5 perfect babies.
And every night my mom dreams about a world without me in it, a horrible dysphoria where I was taken away from her and died horribly in the prime of my life, murdered by my loved one with her helpless to stop it.
I told Jake, sometimes, I belive those are actually the same dream.
And he said that's normal.
I explained how it feels like nothing will ever be okay again. He said that he would be worried about me if I didn't feel that way after this thing that happened to me so recently. And I said, "thank you. that is the first genuinely comforting thing that anybody has said to me on the subject so far."
And I haven't cried since then. Which is not to say that I'm not devistated. I am. Of course I am all fucked up over having to face my own mortality, accept responsibility for my emotional/ psychological well being, the worst break-up of my 25 years, feelings of outrage at a sexist political legal system, trying to comfort my mother AND heal the rift between me and my (now) ex-boyfriend/ fiancee/ lover/ closest friend/ room-mate/ soul-mate.... ALL IN THE SAME FUCKING DAY.
Before I didn't understand why I was so unable to be angry. Now I can't understand why I'm angry and can't cry. Of course, in the first 3-4 days I really might have used ALL my tears, to the point that the salt and mucus in my tears had begun burning a trench down both sides of my face and made my sinuses noticeably swollen.
I still don't like the site of eating and feel constantly nauseated. But at least I can sleep again, especially if I'm at a friend's house.
Pre-trial hearing is set for the 19th, what would have been our 10 month marker. I have to get there, but I don't know how.
And every night my mom dreams about a world without me in it, a horrible dysphoria where I was taken away from her and died horribly in the prime of my life, murdered by my loved one with her helpless to stop it.
I told Jake, sometimes, I belive those are actually the same dream.
And he said that's normal.
I explained how it feels like nothing will ever be okay again. He said that he would be worried about me if I didn't feel that way after this thing that happened to me so recently. And I said, "thank you. that is the first genuinely comforting thing that anybody has said to me on the subject so far."
And I haven't cried since then. Which is not to say that I'm not devistated. I am. Of course I am all fucked up over having to face my own mortality, accept responsibility for my emotional/ psychological well being, the worst break-up of my 25 years, feelings of outrage at a sexist political legal system, trying to comfort my mother AND heal the rift between me and my (now) ex-boyfriend/ fiancee/ lover/ closest friend/ room-mate/ soul-mate.... ALL IN THE SAME FUCKING DAY.
Before I didn't understand why I was so unable to be angry. Now I can't understand why I'm angry and can't cry. Of course, in the first 3-4 days I really might have used ALL my tears, to the point that the salt and mucus in my tears had begun burning a trench down both sides of my face and made my sinuses noticeably swollen.
I still don't like the site of eating and feel constantly nauseated. But at least I can sleep again, especially if I'm at a friend's house.
Pre-trial hearing is set for the 19th, what would have been our 10 month marker. I have to get there, but I don't know how.