Coping with the best of 'em!
" I can put my arms around every boy I see. They would only remind me of you."
So I went out every night this week and I actually managed to let myself have some fun. I told myself to let the past lay and let forever be and for a few hours a day, I actually listened to me.
Here's a brief rundown of the good stuff. I accomplished some lifelong goals of mine when I spent last Monday with my friend, Mark. Mark is a real-life modern male Muse. He knows a good deal about heartbreak and he would be the perfect man if he could ever get his shit together and forget to hate himself for ten minutes. I made this very plane to him. We talked and smoked and listened to really good music and had a sort of good time. And I kissed him. Just once and then I could go, because I had made my point and I heard his advise and it didn't have to be anything more than that. I dropped off the half-anniversary gifts for my loved-ones who I knew I could not see. I took care of my car. I broke into a hotel swimming pool at night with my son Mat and then we went to the 7-11 in our wet bathing suits and acted like we were Tylor Durden. Tuesday: I picked up job applications and went to visit my old high school where I was hit on by a 15 yr old boy. I also got to hang out with some of my favorite teachers. The man I am still in love with and still unable to be with called me and we talked a long, painful, wonderful time. I wrote something intensely cathartic and angry. I helped my mom clean house. Wednesday: I went to school, went to brunch with some cool dorky people, talked about d+d. When I got home, Kim, the wife of my love and a beautiful woman who has shared many intimate things with me and who I miss and adore and respect called me and asked me to dinner on Thursday. I said yes. Thursday I spent the day with my mom, shopping and hanging out and laughing. Then I went out with Kim, my ex-boyfriend's wife, the only woman I've ever made love to. It was a little weird, but really very healthy and genuine and sort of nice. Hey, I got a new CD and a goodnight kiss, so not bad. And my son, oldest of the 3, queer as $3 bill, Matti the Virgo took me to a gay club in SanFransisco where we danced the night away, saw a strip show, I danced in a Go-Go cage and made-out with our friend Kit-Kat whose boyfriend could not attend. Friday I got home at 3am and woke up at 6 to go to school at 8. The same group of dorks took me to brunch and it was pretty cool. I made some new friends. And I didn't even have to give anybody head to do it. They asked me to go play pool with them that night and I agreed. I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and start taking my own advise. My new friend, Seph of the Dorks, age 18, picked me up and we went to the mall and ate food and had a great conversation and we met up with the others and played pool and were routy and young and having a great time. I got home at around 2am. Seph and I have an unset date at some time in the future. He's really blunt and witty and thoughtful and he says things like, "Shazbot" in common conversation. He may be only an 18 yr old kid, but he has a huge vocabulary and he likes me even when I'm being an angry bitter feminist. Then there's yesterday. Yesterday I was back in SanFran with my boy Mat, but we were there with his genetic family to watch Phantom Of The Opera. I'd never seen it before, so it was pretty wicked awesome, but not the highlight of my day. We broke away from the stiffs at some point and we were walking around, checking out hot people. Not much luck until we stopped for coffee and I mentioned something about being far too healthy. I said, " I have my coffee, now I just need somebody to give me a cigarette and I'll be happy." And just then this completely hot guy with a very tragic kind of beauty to him walked out of the store we were in front of, a fresh pack of cigarettes in his hand. I yelled to him, "Excuse me, what brand are those?" "Winston's" "OH, thank God! Can I have one?" "Sure." "Got a light?" "Yeah." "Thank you so much." and he faded out of view. I just looked up at the sky and said, "thank you."
So I went out every night this week and I actually managed to let myself have some fun. I told myself to let the past lay and let forever be and for a few hours a day, I actually listened to me.
Here's a brief rundown of the good stuff. I accomplished some lifelong goals of mine when I spent last Monday with my friend, Mark. Mark is a real-life modern male Muse. He knows a good deal about heartbreak and he would be the perfect man if he could ever get his shit together and forget to hate himself for ten minutes. I made this very plane to him. We talked and smoked and listened to really good music and had a sort of good time. And I kissed him. Just once and then I could go, because I had made my point and I heard his advise and it didn't have to be anything more than that. I dropped off the half-anniversary gifts for my loved-ones who I knew I could not see. I took care of my car. I broke into a hotel swimming pool at night with my son Mat and then we went to the 7-11 in our wet bathing suits and acted like we were Tylor Durden. Tuesday: I picked up job applications and went to visit my old high school where I was hit on by a 15 yr old boy. I also got to hang out with some of my favorite teachers. The man I am still in love with and still unable to be with called me and we talked a long, painful, wonderful time. I wrote something intensely cathartic and angry. I helped my mom clean house. Wednesday: I went to school, went to brunch with some cool dorky people, talked about d+d. When I got home, Kim, the wife of my love and a beautiful woman who has shared many intimate things with me and who I miss and adore and respect called me and asked me to dinner on Thursday. I said yes. Thursday I spent the day with my mom, shopping and hanging out and laughing. Then I went out with Kim, my ex-boyfriend's wife, the only woman I've ever made love to. It was a little weird, but really very healthy and genuine and sort of nice. Hey, I got a new CD and a goodnight kiss, so not bad. And my son, oldest of the 3, queer as $3 bill, Matti the Virgo took me to a gay club in SanFransisco where we danced the night away, saw a strip show, I danced in a Go-Go cage and made-out with our friend Kit-Kat whose boyfriend could not attend. Friday I got home at 3am and woke up at 6 to go to school at 8. The same group of dorks took me to brunch and it was pretty cool. I made some new friends. And I didn't even have to give anybody head to do it. They asked me to go play pool with them that night and I agreed. I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and start taking my own advise. My new friend, Seph of the Dorks, age 18, picked me up and we went to the mall and ate food and had a great conversation and we met up with the others and played pool and were routy and young and having a great time. I got home at around 2am. Seph and I have an unset date at some time in the future. He's really blunt and witty and thoughtful and he says things like, "Shazbot" in common conversation. He may be only an 18 yr old kid, but he has a huge vocabulary and he likes me even when I'm being an angry bitter feminist. Then there's yesterday. Yesterday I was back in SanFran with my boy Mat, but we were there with his genetic family to watch Phantom Of The Opera. I'd never seen it before, so it was pretty wicked awesome, but not the highlight of my day. We broke away from the stiffs at some point and we were walking around, checking out hot people. Not much luck until we stopped for coffee and I mentioned something about being far too healthy. I said, " I have my coffee, now I just need somebody to give me a cigarette and I'll be happy." And just then this completely hot guy with a very tragic kind of beauty to him walked out of the store we were in front of, a fresh pack of cigarettes in his hand. I yelled to him, "Excuse me, what brand are those?" "Winston's" "OH, thank God! Can I have one?" "Sure." "Got a light?" "Yeah." "Thank you so much." and he faded out of view. I just looked up at the sky and said, "thank you."