Boy World
This previous weekend I was kidnapped by my Son Mat and whisked away in the "Robin-mobile" to Livermoore California. Livermoore is located at the most Eastern and inland point of the San Francisco bay area. It is the chosen destination of Mat on his maiden voyage into adult life and he wants me to room with him and in all likelyhood two other gay boys in a 2 bedroom apartment there. So with the help of some campy mixed CD's I was off meeting my future roommates, Travis and Scott. Instead of watching the Superbowl, we watched RENT.
Mat and I have always said that when he was ready to move out of his parent's house that we would room together and I am thrilled to be able to help him transition while getting my own life back on track. I totally got along well with both Travis, who is currently dating Mat, nd with Queer Scott, Travis's best friend since highschool. They're funny, adorable and love both me and Mat. But I am a little worried about a few things, most of which have to do with living on planet Gay. I've taken to calling myself "a Gay man trpped in a Lesbian's body". I thought that living with Mat and his friends would allow me to be myself with more ease, meet new and diverse people, and mke me feel more comfortable and supported in my body while maintaining queer status no matter the labels put on that. While all of those ideals still ring true, being the only biological female in a house of all gay men only brings into light how truly male I am not, especially in how others perceive me. No matter how I dress or what kind of porn I prefer, people have some trouble seeing me as more than (or less than) a butchy, pateit, bisexual woman. The first night that I was there, both Travis and Scott had arranged for their closest lesbian friends to come over and met me. They all noticed right away that I felt more tyhan a little like a peice of meat. It was flattering, but I'm not even too sure if I'm ready to date again at all, let alone switch gears to dating women again after a 4 year hiatus. Reguardless, I seriousely doubt that any really strait guy will want anything to do with me for the next several years if I'm living in boy land. Maybe that's for the best too, since I know I'm not a fan of more conventional faire, but it's all too soon to say.
I will also be the oldest person in the house, with the most experience living away from home if I do this. I admit to being a tiny bit nervous that I might end up playing mother to a host of lost boys. Sure, I love to take care of people and I do call Mat my son, but I'm not about to pay the lion's share of rent for less space or clean up after people on nights when I cooked dinner. But I seriousely doubt that it'll be a big problem. These are god, responsible, neat young men.
Beyond all of that, there's the relationship dynamics built in: Can I live with a couple while I'm going through my divorce? I am envious, lonely and dealing with a ton of confusion about my own emotional well-being. Besides, what if Travis and Mat break up after we've all signed the lease? What if Mat and Scott don't get along? What if one of us loses our job or has a family emergency and can't pay the rent for a month or two? When will we ever see each other if we all work different hours and go to school and how will I get there and who's furniture do we use? Travis is allergic to cats and I have 2 of them now. When will I get my writing done? But I will more or less have these concerns or at least similar ones no matter where I end up living. I don't ever want to live alone. I already know that I can survive in pretty much any surroundings and with almost any kind of roommates.
I miss Lee a terrible amount. I miss his sister even more so. Where she lives in Napa is only an hour away with traffic from Livermoore. I want to do this and of course I'm scared, but at least I know what I'm scared of and I have a plan for once of what to do.
Mat and I have always said that when he was ready to move out of his parent's house that we would room together and I am thrilled to be able to help him transition while getting my own life back on track. I totally got along well with both Travis, who is currently dating Mat, nd with Queer Scott, Travis's best friend since highschool. They're funny, adorable and love both me and Mat. But I am a little worried about a few things, most of which have to do with living on planet Gay. I've taken to calling myself "a Gay man trpped in a Lesbian's body". I thought that living with Mat and his friends would allow me to be myself with more ease, meet new and diverse people, and mke me feel more comfortable and supported in my body while maintaining queer status no matter the labels put on that. While all of those ideals still ring true, being the only biological female in a house of all gay men only brings into light how truly male I am not, especially in how others perceive me. No matter how I dress or what kind of porn I prefer, people have some trouble seeing me as more than (or less than) a butchy, pateit, bisexual woman. The first night that I was there, both Travis and Scott had arranged for their closest lesbian friends to come over and met me. They all noticed right away that I felt more tyhan a little like a peice of meat. It was flattering, but I'm not even too sure if I'm ready to date again at all, let alone switch gears to dating women again after a 4 year hiatus. Reguardless, I seriousely doubt that any really strait guy will want anything to do with me for the next several years if I'm living in boy land. Maybe that's for the best too, since I know I'm not a fan of more conventional faire, but it's all too soon to say.
I will also be the oldest person in the house, with the most experience living away from home if I do this. I admit to being a tiny bit nervous that I might end up playing mother to a host of lost boys. Sure, I love to take care of people and I do call Mat my son, but I'm not about to pay the lion's share of rent for less space or clean up after people on nights when I cooked dinner. But I seriousely doubt that it'll be a big problem. These are god, responsible, neat young men.
Beyond all of that, there's the relationship dynamics built in: Can I live with a couple while I'm going through my divorce? I am envious, lonely and dealing with a ton of confusion about my own emotional well-being. Besides, what if Travis and Mat break up after we've all signed the lease? What if Mat and Scott don't get along? What if one of us loses our job or has a family emergency and can't pay the rent for a month or two? When will we ever see each other if we all work different hours and go to school and how will I get there and who's furniture do we use? Travis is allergic to cats and I have 2 of them now. When will I get my writing done? But I will more or less have these concerns or at least similar ones no matter where I end up living. I don't ever want to live alone. I already know that I can survive in pretty much any surroundings and with almost any kind of roommates.
I miss Lee a terrible amount. I miss his sister even more so. Where she lives in Napa is only an hour away with traffic from Livermoore. I want to do this and of course I'm scared, but at least I know what I'm scared of and I have a plan for once of what to do.