(no subject)
How do you pick up the strings of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there really is no going back? There are some things time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep... and take hold. I don't want it to be that way but there it is. I want to be who i was, but i can't find her any more. Things were easier when i didn't have the people who cared, and now that i have them...I almost want them gone. I love them, I just don't know what to say to people, and i always seem to make things worse. I can't do anything on my own, i always need help...and asking for that help makes me vulnerable...which is something i absolutly must not do.
Funny. I always seem to update this in the bitter watch of the night, the hours when no one else is awake,when my life...shrinks, and everything that seems so important during this time of night...becomes so small whenever i try to talk about it. To anyone. I guess that's because the most important things to say are the hardest to say. They're the things that you're ashamed of...because...because words diminish them, words shrink things that seemed giant and timeless in your head, to no more than living size when they're brought out.
I started writing my thoughts in a little journal that i carry around now, my version of the little black book, but instead of guys numbers i write my own thoughts. A few are good "It's never too late to change your life" "What I want is indescribable, but he's a good start" "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need" "First find a description for your soul" "There is something beautiful in a scar it is visual proof that i heal"
But then there are the others...the others that make up the majority of my book...they hurt to read, especially when i realize how happy i used to be..but was i really happy? or just....at peace with my mediocrity...my shell
262 days and counting...the people who know are so proud of me...they wouldnt be proud if they knew how hard this was for me...
The other night Ryan kept telling me that to get through this school stuff, i have to pull on what i used to help me stop harming....that he could see it in me...the only problem is, i didnt do it for me...i did it because i was hurting other people. which wasnt the point. Whatever. thats not the point
I just want....i want to be able to brighten everyones day like i used to...not just make things worse for all like i am now...
I'll end tonight with a little aside, a little....im not sure what..but here it is....
Life comes rushing at you out of the darkness, and when it does, do you have someone in your life, someone to watch over you and someone to catch you when you fall, and in that moment give you the strength you need to face your fears alone?