Waiting for him. . .
I am aware that this dispels any lingering doubts about my pathetic, loser nature, but I can't help myself. I run my life by committee and crave feedback, so here goes. . .
I sent this to A about half an hour ago:
It wasn't just now. . .I called you before you told me about the condo (March 16) and you pretty much shot me down. It is not just now. I didn't want to break up in the first place and it devastated me. I don't want to be with someone else. There is no one else - it's you. The condo situation brought to a head everything I've been feeling for the past 3 months - while we were together I wanted you to give me some indication that you saw me in your life - and you didn't. I was not waiting for an immediate engagement - you said yourself that once you moved out we would see each other on weekends, etc - but you didn't move out. And now you have, which hurt me a lot. I don't know how to explain in a way that won't be misinterpreted. . .
I can't believe that you would think that I have/had no faith in you. I sincerely apologize for whatever I did or said that gave you that impression. I love you so much and I know that you will accomplish whatever you set out to. . .which is why it hurt me that you didn't appear to be setting out to do anything that had to do with a future for us.
I love you with all of my heart, and I don't think that our recent conversations have been all of a sudden - I've said the same thing I've been saying since January.
Either you see us ever getting back together or you don't. . .apparently you don't, but I don't know how to proceed here, so I'm sorry if I'm beating a dead horse. I miss you. . .I've missed you since you left my house. I think about you all the time and I'm beating myself up.
I know you think I was being unrealistic or something, but I can't change the way I feel. I wanted the whole package - and I was willing to wait, but you didn't give me a chance. You didn't give me any sign at all that you ever saw us moving forward together in any meaningful way.
I said I had a nightmare that you were going out with someone else and you asked why that would be a nightmare. . .can you not see it? Would you really be okay if I were dating someone new? But I can't because no one measures up to you. Three months later and still. . . You are the one I'm hoping will call. You are the one I'm checking my e-mail 9 times a day waiting to hear from. And the condo news came as a shock, but it didn't change anything that wasn't already there.
I love you. I miss you. You said this situation was unacceptable for you too, but not changing anything at all doesn't make any sense. Except you HAVE changed - you found a place and made an offer and I wish I could convince you that that wasn't why I want you back. It makes a difference because it shows that you HAVE moved forward which is what I was waiting for that whole time - BUT if you hadn't gotten it now I would still just be waiting. I would still want you back. I would still love you.
I need to hear from you that you never see this happening. Unless you want to get back together, you need to end it completely. Because I can't move on in my life while I still have hope. While I'm still waiting for you. I told you before that I didn't want to sign a lease because that made it more permanent. The apartment that I am moving into is too small and not exactly what I was looking for, but it's month-to-month. And you are in my thoughts in that decision. I didn't want to commit myself to anything long-term without you.
You need to tell me that I am not and never will be enough. Unless I am. I need you to take a stand one way or the other. I want to make it very clear that I am not looking for an engagement - that was never exactly the issue. I just wanted to know that you thought of me as being a significant part of your life.
Please love me.
But if you don't, let me go.
S----
I sent this to A about half an hour ago:
It wasn't just now. . .I called you before you told me about the condo (March 16) and you pretty much shot me down. It is not just now. I didn't want to break up in the first place and it devastated me. I don't want to be with someone else. There is no one else - it's you. The condo situation brought to a head everything I've been feeling for the past 3 months - while we were together I wanted you to give me some indication that you saw me in your life - and you didn't. I was not waiting for an immediate engagement - you said yourself that once you moved out we would see each other on weekends, etc - but you didn't move out. And now you have, which hurt me a lot. I don't know how to explain in a way that won't be misinterpreted. . .
I can't believe that you would think that I have/had no faith in you. I sincerely apologize for whatever I did or said that gave you that impression. I love you so much and I know that you will accomplish whatever you set out to. . .which is why it hurt me that you didn't appear to be setting out to do anything that had to do with a future for us.
I love you with all of my heart, and I don't think that our recent conversations have been all of a sudden - I've said the same thing I've been saying since January.
Either you see us ever getting back together or you don't. . .apparently you don't, but I don't know how to proceed here, so I'm sorry if I'm beating a dead horse. I miss you. . .I've missed you since you left my house. I think about you all the time and I'm beating myself up.
I know you think I was being unrealistic or something, but I can't change the way I feel. I wanted the whole package - and I was willing to wait, but you didn't give me a chance. You didn't give me any sign at all that you ever saw us moving forward together in any meaningful way.
I said I had a nightmare that you were going out with someone else and you asked why that would be a nightmare. . .can you not see it? Would you really be okay if I were dating someone new? But I can't because no one measures up to you. Three months later and still. . . You are the one I'm hoping will call. You are the one I'm checking my e-mail 9 times a day waiting to hear from. And the condo news came as a shock, but it didn't change anything that wasn't already there.
I love you. I miss you. You said this situation was unacceptable for you too, but not changing anything at all doesn't make any sense. Except you HAVE changed - you found a place and made an offer and I wish I could convince you that that wasn't why I want you back. It makes a difference because it shows that you HAVE moved forward which is what I was waiting for that whole time - BUT if you hadn't gotten it now I would still just be waiting. I would still want you back. I would still love you.
I need to hear from you that you never see this happening. Unless you want to get back together, you need to end it completely. Because I can't move on in my life while I still have hope. While I'm still waiting for you. I told you before that I didn't want to sign a lease because that made it more permanent. The apartment that I am moving into is too small and not exactly what I was looking for, but it's month-to-month. And you are in my thoughts in that decision. I didn't want to commit myself to anything long-term without you.
You need to tell me that I am not and never will be enough. Unless I am. I need you to take a stand one way or the other. I want to make it very clear that I am not looking for an engagement - that was never exactly the issue. I just wanted to know that you thought of me as being a significant part of your life.
Please love me.
But if you don't, let me go.
S----