Black Holes
They say depression is like dropping into a black hole. It's not for me. Something triggers it, and my mind starts obsessing about things that may or may not be true. It does not matter if you know it's happening. It doesn't go away if you talk about it. Medications help, but mostly changing something in your life helps. It's worse if you really have something big to be sad about. I do. It's often triggered by some major turn in life, and my daughter just moved to California, that may be part of it. Living alone enhances it, and sleeplessness and feeling caged in a life you hate is no big help. Having an illness that can't be fixed just is frosting on the shitpile cake.
I am trying. The last couple of times I broke down, I didn't see it coming so clearly. Now it's hovering like a black cloud behind me and I can't run. I have been told to go out and "make friends." That's not my style, besides I don't want any more friends. "Get involved" and all the other platitudes probably work for some people, but I am so sick of disappointment and betrayal, that I don't think I can risk it. Lately I have been physically worse, and scared. I just want to be OVER this, but there's no easy answers. The people I do care about do not understand it..
The last thing I want is to be hospitalized. Seriously, those places are understaffed and all they do is plop you in with addicts and drunks in 12 step programs. I am neither, so it gets old pretty fast. Also they assign you a shrink who asks "How are you feeling today?" Blegh..".I feel crazy' "OK, see you tomorrow." They should invent drive thru therapy, you'd get more attention.
I want to get out of here, so of course it's raining. I will say, writing helps. The blank page is my life.
There's always the cats...
I am trying. The last couple of times I broke down, I didn't see it coming so clearly. Now it's hovering like a black cloud behind me and I can't run. I have been told to go out and "make friends." That's not my style, besides I don't want any more friends. "Get involved" and all the other platitudes probably work for some people, but I am so sick of disappointment and betrayal, that I don't think I can risk it. Lately I have been physically worse, and scared. I just want to be OVER this, but there's no easy answers. The people I do care about do not understand it..
The last thing I want is to be hospitalized. Seriously, those places are understaffed and all they do is plop you in with addicts and drunks in 12 step programs. I am neither, so it gets old pretty fast. Also they assign you a shrink who asks "How are you feeling today?" Blegh..".I feel crazy' "OK, see you tomorrow." They should invent drive thru therapy, you'd get more attention.
I want to get out of here, so of course it's raining. I will say, writing helps. The blank page is my life.
There's always the cats...