(no subject)
Christmas had come around this year without Sam Winchester even noticing. Not that this was really unusual, after all, Sam didn’t like Christmas, hadn’t for a long time. Last year he had given in to his brother’s request to celebrate the holiday, after all, it had been Dean’s last one on earth. Now that the elder Winchester brother was gone, there was really nothing left to be cheerful about. His life meant nothing anymore; he only existed, living day to day without any purpose.
When Dean’s deal came through, courtesy of his kid brother, because without Sam, there wouldn’t have been the need for a deal, the younger brother’s world came crashing down. His despair was beyond words and cut through him like a two edged sword that hadn’t been sharpened in too long. Sure, he had Bobby by his side, yet in all his attempts to support him, Sam had been able to tell, the older man was way too grief stricken himself to be able to deal with his. So in the end Sam had left, purposefully erasing his tracks, so the man, who had become a second father to them, wouldn’t be able to follow.
For the first month he had spent all his time trying to get Dean out of hell, driving across the country in an attempt to find a solution. He tried everything, voodoo, hoodoo, ancient spells and even black magic. In the end, he summoned the crossroads demon as a last resort, just to be told, that hell wasn’t interested in him and that they had Dean Winchester just where they wanted him.
During that time, he had hardly eaten, rarely showered and never slept. Jim, Jack and Johnny had been his constant companions and the only time he rested had been when he passed out. It had disgusted him, made him feel week and inadequate, yet it also had been the only way for him to keep going without being consumed by his anguish.
At the end of the month, when the crossroads demon told him there was absolutely nothing he could do, he had holed himself up in the condemned building he had chosen as his base. It was several miles away from any other house and fit his need for isolation to the tee. So there he sat, drowning a whole quart of whisky, knowing he would never see his brother again, well that was unless he went to hell himself. And right now, that was exactly what he was planning, just needed to drink enough to have the courage to do it. It made him laugh, he was such a coward. Everyone died, because he didn’t have the guts to end it. Should have done this as soon as he was old enough to understand his mother died because of him. He was worthless, without doubt worse than even a demon.
Just as he picked up the gun, by now his hands were so unsteady; he had to use both of them to hold it, Ruby showed up. She came without warning, no smoke, no noise, just suddenly there she was, right beside him, ripping the gun out of his shaking hands. As he starred at her and realized he wasn’t even capable of killing himself, he broke. Not that he wasn’t broken before, but at that moment it was like something just went ‘ping’ inside him, leaving him in a million little pieces.
He didn’t remember anything after that, but Ruby told him later, he just fell forward and would have face planted, if she wouldn’t have caught him. The alcohol, lack of food and sleep finally caught up with him and if it wouldn’t have been for the female demon working almost a miracle, he would have gotten his wish and joint his brother in hell.
It took four days before he finally woke up. When he did, Ruby didn’t give him any time to recover and run off. Instead, she told him whatever he was doing; it was sure not what Dean went to hell for. His brother made the deal, so Sam would live, not so he would blow himself away. And although it didn’t make things any easier, it still made him realize, that he needed to go on, not for himself, but for Dean.
So after that he allowed Ruby to train him in using his dormant powers. In the beginning he used them only on minor demons, yet as time passed and he became more powerful, he was able to exorcise some of the higher ups also.
One month ago, to the day, he finally had his showdown with Lilith. It turned into an hour long fight for control. In the end Sam succeeded, killing the head demon and with it preventing Lucifer from rising.
The cost had been high though and although Ruby was able to once again save his life, she was unable to prevent him from becoming desperately ill. For a week the only surviving Winchester was torn up by fevered dreams, reliving all the tragedies of his still young life over and over again. When he finally awoke, he found himself in a hospital bed, unable to move any of his limbs, too weak to even talk.
Ruby was gone and it took Sam several days to remember, that in saving his life, she sacrificed her own. She died for him, yet instead of feeling desperate, he felt nothing. The emptiness in him left no room for emotions. However there was one thing left to resolve, something that he never allowed himself to think about until now, after Lilith was dead, his powers and the way Dean felt about him using them. He never wanted him to, because he felt they were a way onto the dark side. And now, that everything was over, he felt he could finally honor his brother’s wish and let go of them. From now on he would only use conventional methods to exorcise and kill demons, if he ever would be able to move again that was. Silently praying, he made a promise, to God, to Dean and to himself.
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It took two more weeks for Sam to recover the full use of his body. When he finally left the hospital, he was still weak and tired but no longer dependent on the help of others. Moving into a cheap motel room, he lived from one day to the next. In reality it was more existing then living. Not up to going back to hunting, his days were filled with research for possible hunts, eating, showering and sleeping. Yes sleeping, because finally he found a way to do so without the constant nightmares. It seemed that leaving the TV running on full volume invaded his sleep enough to prevent the dreams from coming. Maybe it wasn’t the best sleep, but it was better than none at all.
Two days before Christmas he even called Bobby, letting him know Lilith was dead and he was still alive. The older man tried to convince him to come back and spent the holidays with him, yet Sam told him he just couldn’t do Christmas. Finally Bobby gave in, but only after he promised to call at least weekly.
So now it was Christmas Eve close to midnight and as Sam laid in his bed and remembered the celebration from the year before, he felt too drained to even shed tears. On top of everything the snowstorm raging outside had knocked out the electricity and so there would be no TV tonight. At least covered with the extra blanket the motel owner had given him, he felt relatively warm. He had been told, the power company was working on the lines and it was expected for the power to be restored in two hours. Fighting sleep for the longest time, he finally lost against the needs of his still not all recovered body
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For several hours Sam’s sleep was restless but without any specific dreams or nightmares. It was close to five in the morning, when his slumber was finally invaded by images.
He found himself standing in total darkness. It was the kind, in which you can’t see your hand when it touches your face. After a moment there was a dot of white dancing in the distance. At first it seemed like his eyes were playing with him, but then it started to come a little closer and as it did, it became bigger and brighter. In the end it was so bright that even after closing his eyes, he still had to shield them by putting his arm in front of them..
Trying to turn away from the brightness, he found himself unable to move. Fear shot through him as he desperately fought against the power, which seemed to paralyze his body, but no matter how hard he tried, he was unable to stir even an inch. Feeling his heart rate increase, his breathing also started to become more rapid, until the stillness was suddenly interrupted by a thundering voice.
“Open your eyes Sam Winchester!”
It was a powerful and demanding voice and the young hunter found he was unable to resist its command. Opening his eyes, his arm still in front of his face, he found the brightness shadowed. At the same time he was able to let his limb fall to his side and now having clear view, he saw a large figure standing in front of the light. However, it was not really standing in front of it, it was more like the light was surrounding it and even coming out of it.
After focusing more clearly, Sam could distinguish the figure was male. Handsome, sharp cut facial features, slightly softened by short curls. He was tall, yet not as tall as the youngest Winchester, broad shouldered and dressed in a kaki trench coat.
“Who are you?” he asked, finally finding his voice.
“My name is Castiel; I am an angel of the Lord!”
For a moment Sam was taken aback, almost unable to belief his ears.
The angel must have read his expression, because now he continued, “I know this is difficult to belief, but it is the truth.”
“What do you want from me?”
“First of all, if you promise not to run away, I let you move again.” There was something like a smile on Castiel’s face, but it was gone so fast that the hunter wasn’t sure, if he only imagined it.
“I promise.” He said, getting very uncomfortable with the position he was standing in and feeling anything was better than this. Instantly he felt his body relax and able to move. Stretching his stiff back, he looked at the heavenly being expectantly.
“I have a message for you, from your brother.”
“From Dean? But that….!”
The angel interrupted him before he could finish the sentence, “Impossible? Sam Winchester, nothing is impossible for God. You should know that!”
“But how?” Sam found himself still in disbelief.
“How is not important. Let’s just say, the Lord had mercy on your brother. Dean hasn’t been in hell since the day after he was taken there.”
“He is not in hell?” He suddenly found his heart racing, only this time it was with excitement. He wanted to belief so bad.
“No, we pulled Dean out and he is with us now.” Castiel announced with much confidence, then he continued, “We also watched you, Sam Winchester. And I must say in the beginning, I almost felt sorry for you. That was until you hooked up with that demon and started to use your demonic powers.”
The young human let his head hang, suddenly overwhelmed with guilt, “I know I blew it and don’t deserve to be saved, but I can’t regret what I did. As for Ruby, I don’t think she was that bad. I really think her motives were honest and maybe even good.” He stopped for a moment, biting his lip like in deep thought, then said, “I will take any punishment you have for me, I won’t even complain, but could I just ask for one little favor?”
“Ask!”
“Could I just see Dean one more time, even if it is just from a distance? I only would like to see for myself that he is okay.” He pleaded.
Castiel straightened up and his face suddenly became expressionless.
“No! It’s not possible.”
Without another word, he turned and walked away, taking the light with him and leaving the young Winchester behind.
TBC
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