Deep Breaths, Part 2/2
Deep Breaths - Part 2/2
Hyunseung/Junhyung broken!/R/ angst/ language /1586 words
Both men wonder what if they decided differently…
Junhyung’s POV
Can it be two months already? Damn near snuck up on me. God, how it dragged by only to feel longer somehow and that’s just weird. I remember the look on his face. The confusion and shock mixing with something close to relief. He looked at me. Straight at me and I felt my legs moving automatically toward him. My arms aching to hold him and I wanted to kiss the pain away. Then he remembered, recovered and turned to…who was close to him? Funny, I can’t quite make out that face now. I can remember everything I felt but not who got to comfort him. I suppose I blocked that out. Maybe it was Doojoon but probably Dongwoon. He’s been standing near the maknae more often. I can hear his sobs like its yesterday. But mostly, I see those damn sad eyes. What the fuck was that? Why can’t I comfort him?! He’s still my friend, right? I know the answer to that before the question is even out of my mouth. Yes and no. Not like it was, maybe we’ll never have that again.
***
Damn, I’m tired. What is taking him so long? Even I knock off eventually. I chuckle to myself. Of course it is different when you’re the one waiting. When I’m composing, I don’t notice the turn of the clock, eating means nothing, sleeping nothing and as long as I have my Coke, I’m good. At least he makes sure I don’t get sick. By the time he gets back from practicing, it’ll be time for sleep. Suppressing a yawn, that’s not so bad though. He always lets me hold him. Tired and achy, he welcomes me into his 4D world without any hesitation. Let me just close my eyes for a second. Ah, here he comes; I hear the door and turn around expectantly with my ready smirk.
Nope. Its Doojoon, checking on me for the fifth time. This time I know no good can come from this. Doojoon looks way too serious and no one else is around for the first time tonight. No Yoseob and he’s nothing if not his shadow. How do I get out of here without looking like I’m running? “Jun, got a minute?” Shit! Too late, as if I ever could escape from him and his missions. “Yeah Doo, what’s up?” “Uh, I gotta talk to you about something important. Don’t get upset alright? This isn’t meant to make you mad or anything, okay?” But doesn’t he know that a fucking statement like that only makes people upset. Whatever! I just nod and take a deep breath, hold and exhale. Just give it to me already. “Junnie-ah, (oh boy) uh, we need you to start JunSeob again. You know these things come and go and uh, its time to uh, do that.” “Okay, Doo. Sure, no problem. Whatever.” “And, (of course there would be more) we need you to watch yourself with Seungie-ah.” Watch myself, huh? He sees it in my face. Maybe he can see the walls going up. “Junhyung, its becoming too obvious that this thing with Seung just might be real, you know? As much as we like to think b2uties would be behind us, we can’t risk it. We already know what management thinks. You haven’t forgotten that horrendous meeting we had to sit through did you?
“Yes, I know Doojoon!” I’m trying to calm myself but it simply isn’t working. “I know its getting too obvious. I get that much! But how do I fucking stop it?! Huh, fearless leader, tell me! Shit, did I just say that to him? He does not deserve that him being the messenger and all. But seriously, we can’t catch a damn break! Then something occurs to me…what about him and Yoseob? “And while you’re at it, tell me why it’s fine for you and Seobbie but not US?!” Just thinking about this shit NOW as tired as I am is really pissing me off! Ooh boy, the fire is right there in his eyes. Definitely hit a nerve now. Don’t bring the boyfriend into it. I can get blindsided but not Mr. Aeygo himself. Damn, I am tired and juuussttt a little bit bitchy too. I’m tired of this being an issue.
“Don’t you fucking dare, Junhyung! (No more kid gloves now) “You know EXACTLY why. I don’t have to explain it to you of all people. This is what we signed up for, EACH one of us. When we agreed to be idols”…I can’t hear the rest of what he’s saying. The pounding in my head is threatening to make me vomit and truth be told, I don’t need to hear it. I’ve heard it before, too many times since meeting Hyunseung. I close my eyes tight, willing away the tears. Please not yet. Don’t do this Doo. Not yet, not yet. I fucking love him! Does that even matter to anyone? But I know my role, I know what my answer has to be. Softly, I let the words I dread fall meaninglessly from my mouth. “I’ll work harder, Doo. Mianhae. Its for the best, I know. We have to think about everyone involved.” Pussy!! I’m screaming at myself. But wouldn’t Seung be hurt more by not living this dream, wouldn’t we all? All the hard work and we are guaranteed nothing! This is Korea after all. Walk the line. Play up to them but don’t live it.
Insult to injury, a few damn days later. “Hello father. What is it this time?” Yah, Yong Junhyung! What’s this with this kid again? You know how I feel. You will obey me. Do not make me do something rash! I understand the music industry and what’s expected of idols such as yourself. You’re doing a fine job getting your name out there and rapping for others. You’ve written for a couple of people and I must say you’ve actually proven me wrong about you…well about your ability in that arena that is. What do you people call it, skills? But make no mistake son, you are taking it too far and I won’t have that. End it. Start dating. I’ll send you a list of suitable choices in and out of the industry. I think I’m being very generous with this concession.” No hello, I miss you son. No goodbye. Almost always its like this now. I’m staring at my screen and of course, Hyunseung’s face is there as my background. We’re smiling and we look so happy. I cropped it so you see him first and me if you move to another screen.
I start the hardest day of my life. Don’t look at him so much. Yah, Jun, stop fucking smiling all the time. Don’t think about the lonely nights coming up for the both of you. How to do this everyday? A damn list of all things to make. Nothing says you have no control over your own life like a list your father makes, allowing you to date.
“I’m dating Goo Hara, hyung.” I wince at the choice of words. Damn, I knew he’d be hurt but I thought I was ready to do this. I’m not but our hand is being forced. There are pictures after I set this trial dating thing up. Holding hands to get used to the feel of it. Walking together at night. Hell, it looks like a date to me and I know better. “I wanted you to know first. You deserve that much. (More Seung, so much more than this/me) Of course, fan service (what?! Why bring that up) between us will die down but they’ll probably pair you with Kikwang or our maknae. We were kind of an afterthought anyway, (WTF!!! Shut the fuck up, JUN! Stop this shit) if you think about it. Take care, Hyunseung. (You just broke his heart. You swore to never hurt him. And guess what asshole, your heart ain’t immune. Just get up and go. Hurry. You can’t hold this back much longer. Fucking run you coward. Don’t look back. Oh God…)
***
Nearly, two months later and I can see him drifting off but sometimes I can get him back. And when I do, he’ll smile at me. Not always, but sometimes. When he does smile, I think he’s forgotten. But he remembers almost immediately after. I answer that smile with my smirk. He always loved that. Maybe he still does. I’m forced to think what if I stood up to my father and told him…what?! What if choosing a sweet innocent (not really but you know a gentleman never tells) girl that I actually started liking more and more didn’t happen? If it still hurts for me…does it still hurt for him? More? Deep breath Joker, hold and exhale. Just like countless times before.
Ring!! Yeah Hara. Yeah, its been a while. Touring is killing the both of us. I just saw you at SBS in Cali. No, you’re not bothering me. Yeah, I’m on my way. No, I always have time for you. Dongwoon, yeah it was definitely that maknae that got to hold him, I remember on my way out the door.
A/N: Second part done. Comments please. I hope I have more stories in me and that they are worth your time. Have a great day, night…whatever.
Hyunseung/Junhyung broken!/R/ angst/ language /1586 words
Both men wonder what if they decided differently…
Junhyung’s POV
Can it be two months already? Damn near snuck up on me. God, how it dragged by only to feel longer somehow and that’s just weird. I remember the look on his face. The confusion and shock mixing with something close to relief. He looked at me. Straight at me and I felt my legs moving automatically toward him. My arms aching to hold him and I wanted to kiss the pain away. Then he remembered, recovered and turned to…who was close to him? Funny, I can’t quite make out that face now. I can remember everything I felt but not who got to comfort him. I suppose I blocked that out. Maybe it was Doojoon but probably Dongwoon. He’s been standing near the maknae more often. I can hear his sobs like its yesterday. But mostly, I see those damn sad eyes. What the fuck was that? Why can’t I comfort him?! He’s still my friend, right? I know the answer to that before the question is even out of my mouth. Yes and no. Not like it was, maybe we’ll never have that again.
***
Damn, I’m tired. What is taking him so long? Even I knock off eventually. I chuckle to myself. Of course it is different when you’re the one waiting. When I’m composing, I don’t notice the turn of the clock, eating means nothing, sleeping nothing and as long as I have my Coke, I’m good. At least he makes sure I don’t get sick. By the time he gets back from practicing, it’ll be time for sleep. Suppressing a yawn, that’s not so bad though. He always lets me hold him. Tired and achy, he welcomes me into his 4D world without any hesitation. Let me just close my eyes for a second. Ah, here he comes; I hear the door and turn around expectantly with my ready smirk.
Nope. Its Doojoon, checking on me for the fifth time. This time I know no good can come from this. Doojoon looks way too serious and no one else is around for the first time tonight. No Yoseob and he’s nothing if not his shadow. How do I get out of here without looking like I’m running? “Jun, got a minute?” Shit! Too late, as if I ever could escape from him and his missions. “Yeah Doo, what’s up?” “Uh, I gotta talk to you about something important. Don’t get upset alright? This isn’t meant to make you mad or anything, okay?” But doesn’t he know that a fucking statement like that only makes people upset. Whatever! I just nod and take a deep breath, hold and exhale. Just give it to me already. “Junnie-ah, (oh boy) uh, we need you to start JunSeob again. You know these things come and go and uh, its time to uh, do that.” “Okay, Doo. Sure, no problem. Whatever.” “And, (of course there would be more) we need you to watch yourself with Seungie-ah.” Watch myself, huh? He sees it in my face. Maybe he can see the walls going up. “Junhyung, its becoming too obvious that this thing with Seung just might be real, you know? As much as we like to think b2uties would be behind us, we can’t risk it. We already know what management thinks. You haven’t forgotten that horrendous meeting we had to sit through did you?
“Yes, I know Doojoon!” I’m trying to calm myself but it simply isn’t working. “I know its getting too obvious. I get that much! But how do I fucking stop it?! Huh, fearless leader, tell me! Shit, did I just say that to him? He does not deserve that him being the messenger and all. But seriously, we can’t catch a damn break! Then something occurs to me…what about him and Yoseob? “And while you’re at it, tell me why it’s fine for you and Seobbie but not US?!” Just thinking about this shit NOW as tired as I am is really pissing me off! Ooh boy, the fire is right there in his eyes. Definitely hit a nerve now. Don’t bring the boyfriend into it. I can get blindsided but not Mr. Aeygo himself. Damn, I am tired and juuussttt a little bit bitchy too. I’m tired of this being an issue.
“Don’t you fucking dare, Junhyung! (No more kid gloves now) “You know EXACTLY why. I don’t have to explain it to you of all people. This is what we signed up for, EACH one of us. When we agreed to be idols”…I can’t hear the rest of what he’s saying. The pounding in my head is threatening to make me vomit and truth be told, I don’t need to hear it. I’ve heard it before, too many times since meeting Hyunseung. I close my eyes tight, willing away the tears. Please not yet. Don’t do this Doo. Not yet, not yet. I fucking love him! Does that even matter to anyone? But I know my role, I know what my answer has to be. Softly, I let the words I dread fall meaninglessly from my mouth. “I’ll work harder, Doo. Mianhae. Its for the best, I know. We have to think about everyone involved.” Pussy!! I’m screaming at myself. But wouldn’t Seung be hurt more by not living this dream, wouldn’t we all? All the hard work and we are guaranteed nothing! This is Korea after all. Walk the line. Play up to them but don’t live it.
Insult to injury, a few damn days later. “Hello father. What is it this time?” Yah, Yong Junhyung! What’s this with this kid again? You know how I feel. You will obey me. Do not make me do something rash! I understand the music industry and what’s expected of idols such as yourself. You’re doing a fine job getting your name out there and rapping for others. You’ve written for a couple of people and I must say you’ve actually proven me wrong about you…well about your ability in that arena that is. What do you people call it, skills? But make no mistake son, you are taking it too far and I won’t have that. End it. Start dating. I’ll send you a list of suitable choices in and out of the industry. I think I’m being very generous with this concession.” No hello, I miss you son. No goodbye. Almost always its like this now. I’m staring at my screen and of course, Hyunseung’s face is there as my background. We’re smiling and we look so happy. I cropped it so you see him first and me if you move to another screen.
I start the hardest day of my life. Don’t look at him so much. Yah, Jun, stop fucking smiling all the time. Don’t think about the lonely nights coming up for the both of you. How to do this everyday? A damn list of all things to make. Nothing says you have no control over your own life like a list your father makes, allowing you to date.
“I’m dating Goo Hara, hyung.” I wince at the choice of words. Damn, I knew he’d be hurt but I thought I was ready to do this. I’m not but our hand is being forced. There are pictures after I set this trial dating thing up. Holding hands to get used to the feel of it. Walking together at night. Hell, it looks like a date to me and I know better. “I wanted you to know first. You deserve that much. (More Seung, so much more than this/me) Of course, fan service (what?! Why bring that up) between us will die down but they’ll probably pair you with Kikwang or our maknae. We were kind of an afterthought anyway, (WTF!!! Shut the fuck up, JUN! Stop this shit) if you think about it. Take care, Hyunseung. (You just broke his heart. You swore to never hurt him. And guess what asshole, your heart ain’t immune. Just get up and go. Hurry. You can’t hold this back much longer. Fucking run you coward. Don’t look back. Oh God…)
***
Nearly, two months later and I can see him drifting off but sometimes I can get him back. And when I do, he’ll smile at me. Not always, but sometimes. When he does smile, I think he’s forgotten. But he remembers almost immediately after. I answer that smile with my smirk. He always loved that. Maybe he still does. I’m forced to think what if I stood up to my father and told him…what?! What if choosing a sweet innocent (not really but you know a gentleman never tells) girl that I actually started liking more and more didn’t happen? If it still hurts for me…does it still hurt for him? More? Deep breath Joker, hold and exhale. Just like countless times before.
Ring!! Yeah Hara. Yeah, its been a while. Touring is killing the both of us. I just saw you at SBS in Cali. No, you’re not bothering me. Yeah, I’m on my way. No, I always have time for you. Dongwoon, yeah it was definitely that maknae that got to hold him, I remember on my way out the door.
A/N: Second part done. Comments please. I hope I have more stories in me and that they are worth your time. Have a great day, night…whatever.