Deep breaths Part 1/2
Deep Breath, hold, exhale - Part 1/2
Hyunseung/Junhyung /R/angst/slight language/ 1558 words
Both men wonder what if they decided differently…
Hyunseung’s POV
God, two months already. It feels much longer and yet it took so very long to get to this point. How can I miss him so much when he loved me so little? Was it always that way or is it just resentment coloring my memory? Damn! I promised myself I wouldn’t think that again. Hell, I promised Umma and unnie to never even entertain those thoughts again. Let all those feelings die with him. Old habits, huh?
***
Umma! For the last time tell me truthfully! Did he ever forgive me? Was he ever proud, really and truly? Did he ever say anything to anyone? God, just give me something, Umma! I need to know. Whatever it is, good or bad, I’ll live with it. Just please don’t have me mourning him when he doesn’t deserve it.
“Enough,” my mother answers, “Not now, Seung, and not here. This is not about you right now. Let’s just get through this the best we can. After this, then we’ll talk. Let’s bury him first…then I promise I’ll answer any questions.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see my sister give me a sympathetic smile through her tears. They are probably the only real ones between the three of us. Somewhere along the way, we stopped competing and became friends. (Very surprising if you didn’t know the relationship between my father and me but then again most people knew.) Maybe we both realized I would never gain his approval not to mention his respect. My mother is just tired and stunned. While I’m stunned too, who would have thought he would go so soon and so unexpectedly, I’m mostly numb. Maybe it’s the way I slump my shoulders, sigh or hang my head but something in one of those actions catches my mother’s attention. Gently, she cradles my face between both hands and whispers softly, too softly? “Seungie-ah, there was never anything to forgive. Ever, sweetheart. It was and is what it is. That should be enough but not for me. I need everything on the table. I grab her hand and plead with my eyes as I ask, “Both times, Umma?” She knows how this one answer has always had the power to destroy me so she takes a deep breath, holds then exhales. And for the first time I see how much weight this one sticking point holds. And I see my loving mother, deliberately lie to me. Just as I always expected she did but now I’m sure. “Both times, Jang Hyunseung…both times.”
***
Shake it off Hyunseung. One foot in front of the other and all that. He’s gone and you won’t have to deal with all that guilt and shame. Everything will be fine now. But of course, its not. Hot on the heels of that ever festering wound is my latest and most painful memory. Oh God, yet another flashback. Distractedly, I notice I’m getting way too good at these unpleasant trips down memory lane. A quick shake of my head, a pinch to the bridge of my nose, deep breath…SHIT. Tears. Who am I kidding? I’m already back there. Never far away to be honest.
Its late and I’m coming back from practicing. Aren’t I always practicing? As I near the dorm, I hear shouting. 2Jun. Ha, appa and umma at it again. There’s something different in this one. I can hear it. I slow down and strain to hear through the door.
“Yes, I know DooJoon! I know its getting too obvious. I get that much. But how do I fucking stop it? Huh, fearless leader, tell me! And while you’re at it, tell me why its fine for you and Seobbie but not US?!”
“Don’t you fucking dare, Junhyung! You know exactly why. I don’t have to explain it to you of all people. This is what we signed up for, each one of us. When we agreed to be idols we forfeited all rights to be individuals. And you are going to fuck that up if you keep being careless. Do I agree with it? Hell no. This hurts me to tell you, Jun. I thought it might be better coming from me rather than management.”
I press my eyes shut tight, willing away the tears. Please not yet. Don’t take him away yet. I need him. I love him. I can’t do this without him.
Doojoon continues, “Do you know how hard it is to do fan service these days? With the both of you staring at each other, exchanging ‘secret’ looks, smiles and touches, I can hear the sneer behind Joonie’s words. Why do you think CUBE wants to hype JunSeob more? I don’t like it but it has to be done. I swear KiKi has the right idea. Work like a dog, keep your head down, MC whatever variety show they want and just follow orders. KiWoon, no problem, oh now KiSeob, okay. Fan service with whomever they want. The more I think about it, Lee Kikwang is the least babo of us all.”
Then, something I have dreaded for so long happens. Jun, my Jun, whispers, “I’ll work harder, Doo. Mianhae. Its for the best I know. We have to think about everyone involved.”
And I’ll be damned if Yong Junhyung wasn’t a man of his word. Slowly, deliberately he pulled away from me. Oh, nothing so drastic to anyone on the outside but I saw the stares from my bandmates. The shrugs between Yoseob and Dongwoon spoke volumes. But even I was floored when, “I’m dating Goo Hara, hyung.” Hyung?! Since when did I stop being Seunggie-ah in private? He rushes on, like its bursting out of him and he’s powerless to stop it. “I wanted you to know first.” Thanks, Jun. I appreciate that. “You deserve that much. Of course, fan service between us will die down but they’ll probably pair you with Kikwang or our maknae. We were kind of an afterthought anyway, if you think about it. Take care, Hyunseung.”
“Sure Jun, no problem. Good luck with everything.” Thanks for…this last part was said to an empty room. Now sitting here in this dimly lit room, crying softly with no one to comfort or lie to me, I know I wouldn’t/couldn’t have said one damn thing to change his mind. How could I when I had my own conversation not long after that blow up.
“JANG HYUNSEUNG! YOU KNOW I’VE NEVER LIKED THIS FAN SERVICE THING! Why, why couldn’t you just make it in that other group? 5 out of 6 members made it. They even gave you a second chance. My son wasn’t ready! They even took that younger kid. He made the most of his shot! Did they know then what you are? Could they see it? You know I didn’t raise you to be…like that.”
“You don’t have to worry Appa! No one thinks less of you, I promise I’m working hard. Yong Junhyung is dating someone now. A girl, appa. She’s pretty and she’s an idol like us.” How after all these years his words still cut me to the bone?
“And when he’s in the dorm, son? What then? Is this boy so wonderful that he gets to have both worlds?” Yes, I almost answer but bite my tongue so hard I taste blood. I’m a simple man, Hyunseung not simple-minded. I know how soft you are. I know how needy you are. I know how men say what they need to, to get what they want.”
No, he doesn’t get to have both appa. We were never like that! I laugh but it sounds hollow even to my ears. That’s just how they do things with idols. We’ve talked about this before and you’ve seen it with others. Don’t worry. You just wait soon I’ll be ‘coupled’ with Kikwang or Yoseob and we’ll probably have another discussion just like this one. I have to go appa, we’re practicing and I have to get my steps down.”
***
What kind of son allows himself to think of what ifs? So soon after his death but I have never stopped thinking about the what ifs or the maybes. Why couldn’t he simply die sooner? My hands fly to my mouth. I look around quickly. I’m alone but the walls. Was that out loud? Did anybody hear that? No, I did not just ask that question! I’m a good person, a good son. Obedient and diligent or is it deviant and embarrassing, which one is the real me? I could have done something. Should have tried to what, keep him? Was it just me? After thought…fan service…deep breath, hold it, hold it, exhale.
I stop trying for the night. I made it through the day. I let the tears fall freely. Tomorrow, I’ll dance and sing and smile when I must. I’ll try not to look his way as much. If there’s an interview, I have to keep my mind on the questions. Everyone is being so good to me. They know. I’ll do better tomorrow. I must.
A/N: This is my first posting so I hope you guys liked it. Thanks for reading everyone. Comments welcome.
Hyunseung/Junhyung /R/angst/slight language/ 1558 words
Both men wonder what if they decided differently…
Hyunseung’s POV
God, two months already. It feels much longer and yet it took so very long to get to this point. How can I miss him so much when he loved me so little? Was it always that way or is it just resentment coloring my memory? Damn! I promised myself I wouldn’t think that again. Hell, I promised Umma and unnie to never even entertain those thoughts again. Let all those feelings die with him. Old habits, huh?
***
Umma! For the last time tell me truthfully! Did he ever forgive me? Was he ever proud, really and truly? Did he ever say anything to anyone? God, just give me something, Umma! I need to know. Whatever it is, good or bad, I’ll live with it. Just please don’t have me mourning him when he doesn’t deserve it.
“Enough,” my mother answers, “Not now, Seung, and not here. This is not about you right now. Let’s just get through this the best we can. After this, then we’ll talk. Let’s bury him first…then I promise I’ll answer any questions.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see my sister give me a sympathetic smile through her tears. They are probably the only real ones between the three of us. Somewhere along the way, we stopped competing and became friends. (Very surprising if you didn’t know the relationship between my father and me but then again most people knew.) Maybe we both realized I would never gain his approval not to mention his respect. My mother is just tired and stunned. While I’m stunned too, who would have thought he would go so soon and so unexpectedly, I’m mostly numb. Maybe it’s the way I slump my shoulders, sigh or hang my head but something in one of those actions catches my mother’s attention. Gently, she cradles my face between both hands and whispers softly, too softly? “Seungie-ah, there was never anything to forgive. Ever, sweetheart. It was and is what it is. That should be enough but not for me. I need everything on the table. I grab her hand and plead with my eyes as I ask, “Both times, Umma?” She knows how this one answer has always had the power to destroy me so she takes a deep breath, holds then exhales. And for the first time I see how much weight this one sticking point holds. And I see my loving mother, deliberately lie to me. Just as I always expected she did but now I’m sure. “Both times, Jang Hyunseung…both times.”
***
Shake it off Hyunseung. One foot in front of the other and all that. He’s gone and you won’t have to deal with all that guilt and shame. Everything will be fine now. But of course, its not. Hot on the heels of that ever festering wound is my latest and most painful memory. Oh God, yet another flashback. Distractedly, I notice I’m getting way too good at these unpleasant trips down memory lane. A quick shake of my head, a pinch to the bridge of my nose, deep breath…SHIT. Tears. Who am I kidding? I’m already back there. Never far away to be honest.
Its late and I’m coming back from practicing. Aren’t I always practicing? As I near the dorm, I hear shouting. 2Jun. Ha, appa and umma at it again. There’s something different in this one. I can hear it. I slow down and strain to hear through the door.
“Yes, I know DooJoon! I know its getting too obvious. I get that much. But how do I fucking stop it? Huh, fearless leader, tell me! And while you’re at it, tell me why its fine for you and Seobbie but not US?!”
“Don’t you fucking dare, Junhyung! You know exactly why. I don’t have to explain it to you of all people. This is what we signed up for, each one of us. When we agreed to be idols we forfeited all rights to be individuals. And you are going to fuck that up if you keep being careless. Do I agree with it? Hell no. This hurts me to tell you, Jun. I thought it might be better coming from me rather than management.”
I press my eyes shut tight, willing away the tears. Please not yet. Don’t take him away yet. I need him. I love him. I can’t do this without him.
Doojoon continues, “Do you know how hard it is to do fan service these days? With the both of you staring at each other, exchanging ‘secret’ looks, smiles and touches, I can hear the sneer behind Joonie’s words. Why do you think CUBE wants to hype JunSeob more? I don’t like it but it has to be done. I swear KiKi has the right idea. Work like a dog, keep your head down, MC whatever variety show they want and just follow orders. KiWoon, no problem, oh now KiSeob, okay. Fan service with whomever they want. The more I think about it, Lee Kikwang is the least babo of us all.”
Then, something I have dreaded for so long happens. Jun, my Jun, whispers, “I’ll work harder, Doo. Mianhae. Its for the best I know. We have to think about everyone involved.”
And I’ll be damned if Yong Junhyung wasn’t a man of his word. Slowly, deliberately he pulled away from me. Oh, nothing so drastic to anyone on the outside but I saw the stares from my bandmates. The shrugs between Yoseob and Dongwoon spoke volumes. But even I was floored when, “I’m dating Goo Hara, hyung.” Hyung?! Since when did I stop being Seunggie-ah in private? He rushes on, like its bursting out of him and he’s powerless to stop it. “I wanted you to know first.” Thanks, Jun. I appreciate that. “You deserve that much. Of course, fan service between us will die down but they’ll probably pair you with Kikwang or our maknae. We were kind of an afterthought anyway, if you think about it. Take care, Hyunseung.”
“Sure Jun, no problem. Good luck with everything.” Thanks for…this last part was said to an empty room. Now sitting here in this dimly lit room, crying softly with no one to comfort or lie to me, I know I wouldn’t/couldn’t have said one damn thing to change his mind. How could I when I had my own conversation not long after that blow up.
“JANG HYUNSEUNG! YOU KNOW I’VE NEVER LIKED THIS FAN SERVICE THING! Why, why couldn’t you just make it in that other group? 5 out of 6 members made it. They even gave you a second chance. My son wasn’t ready! They even took that younger kid. He made the most of his shot! Did they know then what you are? Could they see it? You know I didn’t raise you to be…like that.”
“You don’t have to worry Appa! No one thinks less of you, I promise I’m working hard. Yong Junhyung is dating someone now. A girl, appa. She’s pretty and she’s an idol like us.” How after all these years his words still cut me to the bone?
“And when he’s in the dorm, son? What then? Is this boy so wonderful that he gets to have both worlds?” Yes, I almost answer but bite my tongue so hard I taste blood. I’m a simple man, Hyunseung not simple-minded. I know how soft you are. I know how needy you are. I know how men say what they need to, to get what they want.”
No, he doesn’t get to have both appa. We were never like that! I laugh but it sounds hollow even to my ears. That’s just how they do things with idols. We’ve talked about this before and you’ve seen it with others. Don’t worry. You just wait soon I’ll be ‘coupled’ with Kikwang or Yoseob and we’ll probably have another discussion just like this one. I have to go appa, we’re practicing and I have to get my steps down.”
***
What kind of son allows himself to think of what ifs? So soon after his death but I have never stopped thinking about the what ifs or the maybes. Why couldn’t he simply die sooner? My hands fly to my mouth. I look around quickly. I’m alone but the walls. Was that out loud? Did anybody hear that? No, I did not just ask that question! I’m a good person, a good son. Obedient and diligent or is it deviant and embarrassing, which one is the real me? I could have done something. Should have tried to what, keep him? Was it just me? After thought…fan service…deep breath, hold it, hold it, exhale.
I stop trying for the night. I made it through the day. I let the tears fall freely. Tomorrow, I’ll dance and sing and smile when I must. I’ll try not to look his way as much. If there’s an interview, I have to keep my mind on the questions. Everyone is being so good to me. They know. I’ll do better tomorrow. I must.
A/N: This is my first posting so I hope you guys liked it. Thanks for reading everyone. Comments welcome.