neverbeensoscared
`` I'd give anything... ``
I didn't get home until 3:30 in the morning last night. From the hospital. My brother had a seizure. He got taken to the hospital by ambulance. I guess he had another seizure right when he got there... And he had one while me, my mom, and my dad were all there. It was the most frightening thing in the whole world. I had to leave the room. I burst into tears. He was so delusional, telling us about things that weren't there... Batting at things in the air, trying to grab things. It was... horrible. To see someone who has been perfectly fine their whole life, trying to spell 'speak' because they can't talk and they're trying to tell you they can't talk... And then they tell you all of these things, like they see people from their class and they hate them all.. And they're just so out of it. He looked as though he has suddenly become mentally retarded. It was one of the emotionally hardest things I've ever been through. I don't know if I can go back... I think, towards the end of the night, I went into shock. I got all shaky and flushed and I felt sick... I want to cry just thinking about it. It's the most horrible thing that's ever happened to my direct family, medically. I'm so scared that he won't be alright... He won't pull through or he'll become disabled. They did all sorts of tests and they said it's not any medication he's been taking and it's not a brain tumor... But the doctor's most likely guess was that it was the onset of epilepsy. And that is so serious... I never thought anything like that would happen to my family. Tears fill up my eyes at the thought of losing my brother... Lately, he's been so mean... And when we got there, we saw his arms... covered in cuts. Little red scratches, all the way up to his shoulders. My mom said under his gown, on his shoulder was the worst, but I didn't look. It was so hard to bear to look at him at all... And I woke up this morning and my mom said he had another seizure after they took him to a different hospital and now, he won't even look at anyone or talk at all. I'm so scared he's going to change and everything's going to fuck up... This isn't the way my life is supposed to be. I'm so scared... And with my own problems building up... And this sudden need for a lot of money I don't have, personally... I'm super stressed out. I just want to cry... all the time. I want to break down. I want to give up. I tried to talk to Ryan while he was there, while we were there... And he just didn't make any sense. It was horrible. It was so horrible... My life is so fucked up. I'm sick of this. Everything's going wrong. I'm so sick of being me... Nothing works out. I'm constantly losing someone... And if it's not someone else, it's myself... God, someone, please do something... The doctors don't know what's wrong with him and it scares me more than anything. Someone, please... save me from this nightmare. I'm so scared... I'm so tired of being so scared.
... I don't even believe in God, but I prayed, last night.
... I have no idea what to do.
`` There's just too much that time cannot erase... ``
How could this happen?
I didn't get home until 3:30 in the morning last night. From the hospital. My brother had a seizure. He got taken to the hospital by ambulance. I guess he had another seizure right when he got there... And he had one while me, my mom, and my dad were all there. It was the most frightening thing in the whole world. I had to leave the room. I burst into tears. He was so delusional, telling us about things that weren't there... Batting at things in the air, trying to grab things. It was... horrible. To see someone who has been perfectly fine their whole life, trying to spell 'speak' because they can't talk and they're trying to tell you they can't talk... And then they tell you all of these things, like they see people from their class and they hate them all.. And they're just so out of it. He looked as though he has suddenly become mentally retarded. It was one of the emotionally hardest things I've ever been through. I don't know if I can go back... I think, towards the end of the night, I went into shock. I got all shaky and flushed and I felt sick... I want to cry just thinking about it. It's the most horrible thing that's ever happened to my direct family, medically. I'm so scared that he won't be alright... He won't pull through or he'll become disabled. They did all sorts of tests and they said it's not any medication he's been taking and it's not a brain tumor... But the doctor's most likely guess was that it was the onset of epilepsy. And that is so serious... I never thought anything like that would happen to my family. Tears fill up my eyes at the thought of losing my brother... Lately, he's been so mean... And when we got there, we saw his arms... covered in cuts. Little red scratches, all the way up to his shoulders. My mom said under his gown, on his shoulder was the worst, but I didn't look. It was so hard to bear to look at him at all... And I woke up this morning and my mom said he had another seizure after they took him to a different hospital and now, he won't even look at anyone or talk at all. I'm so scared he's going to change and everything's going to fuck up... This isn't the way my life is supposed to be. I'm so scared... And with my own problems building up... And this sudden need for a lot of money I don't have, personally... I'm super stressed out. I just want to cry... all the time. I want to break down. I want to give up. I tried to talk to Ryan while he was there, while we were there... And he just didn't make any sense. It was horrible. It was so horrible... My life is so fucked up. I'm sick of this. Everything's going wrong. I'm so sick of being me... Nothing works out. I'm constantly losing someone... And if it's not someone else, it's myself... God, someone, please do something... The doctors don't know what's wrong with him and it scares me more than anything. Someone, please... save me from this nightmare. I'm so scared... I'm so tired of being so scared.
... I don't even believe in God, but I prayed, last night.
... I have no idea what to do.
`` There's just too much that time cannot erase... ``
How could this happen?