Chances
Lately I've been writing in here, mainly cuz most of what i write about, the things that i need to get out of my head and onto paper or words, is too personal or don't want others seeing. i'm a private person i guess; there's much about me that i only allow certain to ever know about me. i dunno, i just put on this pose, a front, an act, a lie of a personality and i don't want people to know how i really am. Mainly cuz people don't respect, accept, or mock my true self; who i really am inside. maybe why that's i really liked Florida. i became a person i never knew i could become, someone that i never knew existed... and inside of me of all things. and not only did i reveal and live that persona, but i was comfortable being it and fit into whole crowds being it. now i wear this shell, cold, dead, hard, and mean to fit back ass holes, bitches, back-stabbers, and people that'll eat another person alive just to make it one more day in this world or just becuz they feel like it. i only stay here cuz my only remnants of a family reside here and i want Madison to have as much as possible, not just me. but i want her to experience more of this world, the positives. and this state is just horrible for a child, i definitely need to move somewhere else. i want her to enjoy life as much as possible. it pains me that she has to live her life without a mother. the only thing that makes me cry anymore is how she has to go through what i had, worse even. she's gotta look at a mom that can't say anything back, that can't hold her...and a dead grandma and grandpa, and another pair that probably wont ever see her. and i know Trisha wishes she could just die, she'll never get to watch either of her children grow up. she wont get to play with them, love them and make their tears go away. i'm in such a tough spot, i've got to make as much as i possibly can, work out the best that i can. i've got to be the father she needs. i can't even stand on my own feet. and even now i sit in bed whimpering, feeling depressed about the situation... telling myself every second that i have to get up and do my best without stopping, without looking back, without getting beaten down over the whole situation between the 2 of us. i try not to think about it, afterall, it could be worse, not to mention i get so depressed over it. i wanna make everything right, make it better than what it is. i just want a good job so we can have our own place, a nice neighborhood for her, a good school, and close to where we are now, so she can still have some family left to enjoy. i miss the friends i used to have, i used to be close to. there's no one i see on a daily basis or keep in contact with on more than a bi-weekly basis. it's like i'm isolated from human society, unless i wanna get into weed again. i need a really good break in this life; and i don't mean finding a $10 bill on the street, a someone or something. my kid means alot to me, but life is like a night sky... a single bright star in wonderful to look at, but awfully lonely all by itself. i dunno, stress, aggrevation, and mental weight have been building slowly for a while; bitting my tongue, dealing with other people's attitude or bullshit, struggling to keep afloat, trying to keep going.... and after a while i have to admit, i'm feeling lonely and empty anymore. it's been well over a year since Trisha's stroke and i'm just handling this without much support, with barely a soul there to pick my chin back up. And then i start thinking about some people i wish were still around, and one particualr person that i shouldn't had let slip thru my fingers. how special that person was to me, and how if i met a person that made me feel half as good as she did, i'd be utterly thrilled to death and definitely do all i could. i dunno, all that is over now, can't look back or complain. i made a decision and guess deal with it. i really do hate being in limbo land, specially when a person of nature that thrives on love and life, and insteads dwells elsewhere. i wanna remember so bad what it's like to feel alive again, in reality, not just in my mind. i really do need a break in life... or just simply a break, but that only fixes me temporarly, not the whole situation. i sure do wish my mom was still alive. she'd make life sweeter just by standing there for me, just by supporting my desicions, and reassuring me that i'm doing a great job for what i've got and i should be proud. maybe for this Birthday, i'll just wish my soul didn't feel like it was dead, or that i can make both me and my child's life together better.