"When your going through hell, keep going."
Beloved Journal...i havent forgotten about you. Things have been so hectic these last few weeks. I've been ill, my mom has been ill, now my baby sister is in the hospital. Its been crazy. I had the flu and a sinus infection.Then my mom caught my flu, now she's coughing, and sneezing and spittin and so forth. My little sister had to go stay with my dad during this time so the house was just full of SNOT.
Since my last entry....Jayshawn and I have stopped talking. Somethings went down between us and he said he didnt want me anymore. I'm not even sure if we can be friends at this point. Its a shame how it had to end. I really did care about him, and I think it'll be awhile before I'm completely over him.
I've met and become good friends with Kason....yeah I did used to have a little hatred for the young fellow but now I see I was totally in the wrong. I love him. He's like one of the coolest people ever.....
I've met a couple other people of CS..they seem to be pretty cool. One in particular Tay..he's awesome. Only thing is that he reminds me so much of Marcus on the phone. He doesnt talk like Marcus...he just SOUNDS like Marcus...and thats very aggravating...But he's such a sweetheart, and he's so lovable. I could see us being friends for a while.....
I've been at a crossroads this week. I'm wondering whether it would be in my best intrest to stay single for a while to "find myself" and figure out exactly what I want or to continue to "boy hop" as I have been doing. I've never been a stranger to talking to multiple people at once, but not like I've been doing lately. It seems like since Marcus....nobody is good enough for me to stick to. Its not that they arent good enough, its that I cant get into them the way I would like to. Truth is that I'm really scared of being hurt again. Journal, you know better than anybody that I was hurting. I'm still hurting. And now I've hurt JS and I never meant to do that. I dont wana be a heartbreaker like Marcus. I dont want to be in these boy's life and be a waste of time. I want something stable. Something thats going to last. I'm dealing with somebody right now....and I hope our relationship can blossom into something special. I can be faithful. I just want the right person in my life.
Man....since i last wrote...I've had this crush on this boy. He was so wonderful. I swear these feelings for him came like a whirlwind. He's so special....He lives so far away...Anyway...He had feelings for me too, but I think I've scared him away. He sees my insecurities and doesnt want to get involved. He's smart. He's protecting himself. Something I should do, but I dont. I have this terrible habit of rushing into things with no sheild. (Its okay sometime to rush....but you have to have your shield.)---Back to him...yeah and so now he's talking to this other dude, and i gotta admit its getting to me. I'm so jealous....and it seems like he's pulling away from me so much more now. I really dont wana lose him as a friend. He's been so good to me...so patient. For what he's done in the past few weeks, I owe him.
As far as school goes...everything is going GREAT. I'm supposed to go to Houston tomorrow with my cousin. Our flight leaves at 2pm. If my sister isnt doing any better I'm not gonna go. Simple as that. Later in the week I'll be paying someone very special a visit. We're both AMPed.
I think I talked about everything I intended to. I love you so much! Thanks for listening.....