Scared to sleep
Not sure if I mentioned that I have had nightmares the last 4 nights and so I am having a hard time going to sleep tonight. And I have to be up in less then 6 hrs for work. This is going to be fun. :( I got angry with Jen's bf and that set off my mood and I am having a hard time calming down. It was really no big deal. He promised to give me $10 for giving Jen rides cause her car is broke and like all people in my life right now, didn't follow thru. Well, tonight I had a headache and was tired cause of my not so restful sleeping lately. So I was determined to take the anger out on me, like usual. I wanted to pick up a stranger for sex but thank God passed on that one. Now my head is filled with cutting with a sharp knife. Binging is out of the question however due to watching Dr Phil tonight. I don't even feel I deserve food after that show. 60 lb anorexic/bulimic. God I wanna be her! Why did my eating disorder have to go the other way?????
I think I need an Intervention. Like the show. Where they pay for 90 days or more in treatment. At a place that fits the person. God, I feel like I am a mess. Binging, coke, pot, cutting, burning, pain pills, random sex, suicidal.... How much more til Dr Phil or some show helps me????
I feel like a failure. I have had help and it hasn't made me better. It has helped some and shown me light at times, but in general, I am still a mess. Always resorting back to the same old crap!! Scared to get better and scared to succeed. Yet miserable in the hell I create!!!
The nightmares....oh, I will have to talk about them in therapy and oh how I don't want to talk about them. I want to just ignore them and let them go. But a part of me won't let them go. They come back, over and over again. Some of the things I have talked about in therapy. Why hasn't it gotten better??? I thought talking made it better? GRRRRR! I am so frustrated right now. I want to rip myself apart and erase me from everyone's mind so no one will hurt!!!!
I want to live in fantasy....not reality! No more real stuff please........
I think I need an Intervention. Like the show. Where they pay for 90 days or more in treatment. At a place that fits the person. God, I feel like I am a mess. Binging, coke, pot, cutting, burning, pain pills, random sex, suicidal.... How much more til Dr Phil or some show helps me????
I feel like a failure. I have had help and it hasn't made me better. It has helped some and shown me light at times, but in general, I am still a mess. Always resorting back to the same old crap!! Scared to get better and scared to succeed. Yet miserable in the hell I create!!!
The nightmares....oh, I will have to talk about them in therapy and oh how I don't want to talk about them. I want to just ignore them and let them go. But a part of me won't let them go. They come back, over and over again. Some of the things I have talked about in therapy. Why hasn't it gotten better??? I thought talking made it better? GRRRRR! I am so frustrated right now. I want to rip myself apart and erase me from everyone's mind so no one will hurt!!!!
I want to live in fantasy....not reality! No more real stuff please........