Food....love/hate it

[vndsl6]

I was trying so hard last night not to do coke....but caved. I didn't wanna feel. What did I not want to feel? I don't want to even go there!! Maybe I will in therapy. But I gave in and did the coke...for a few hours. Then was up til 5am. Finally when the coke wore off I binge....not as bad as I could have, but it was 23456 miles a minute and almost choked me as usual and I felt nothing. As if I wasn't even in my body. Spagetti with meat sauce, munster cheese, donuts and water. I was going to purge it but decided against that. Didn't want to wake Jen cause I am a loud puker. I am ashamed....so low....so bad. I can not afford to gain anymore weight. I am 400+ lbs. Scared to step on the scale. God, I need help. But not until I feel I can give it my all. But I am not sure I will make it that far. Bad thoughts are starting, thank God the good thoughts quickly come to mind and stop me.
Until next time.......