Mine would say to me “I love you. I wouldn’t hurt you for the world.” That seems innocuous, but it meant that any hurt I felt at the way I was treated was wrong, that any negative feelings I had were me being crazy, because this person loved me. If they would never hurt me, why was I hurt?
THIS SO MUCH. Invalidating and dismissing feelings--no matter how nicely--is a big part of dismissing the person, and therefore of telling them they are worthless. I remember how it felt every time I was told I was wrong, or ungrateful, or selfish for feeling pain. In time I made myself go numb so I wouldn't have to experience the disorientation and self-hatred for having the "wrong" feelings, and I'm still recovering from that.
[The rest are spoilers]Akira's treatment of Akito is another example of "niceness" gone terribly wrong, much like the way Kyo's mother dealt with his true self. In both cases the parent is refusing to face the reality of the child and professing love for a fantasy version of the child: In Akito's case the Very Special Person who is somehow exempt from the uncertainties of life, who never has to try, grow, lose, or suffer because she's so perfect everything will just fall in place for her. Akito had to try and be that perfect person no matter what the cost, because otherwise it would mean she would never be and had never been deserving of her father's love. How many lives are destroyed because parents are unwilling to face the reality of their children as full human beings?
Because her parents never taught her to have realistic expectations and to control herself (rather than try to control other people), Akito had to learn those lessons the hard way as an adult. Tohru became the catalyst for the lesson as she did for so many others who lacked parental guidance, but ultimately, as with all real lessons, it was Akito who had to take the step on her own. I respect her for having the strength to do that, and for taking the lesson farther on her own by not only changing herself but reforming the toxic environment she had grown up in and was now in charge of.
It's a measure of Akito's growth that she even learned to take rejection, the very thing she had feared and fought against all her life. It hurt when her own employee turned her back on her in the moment of her openness and vulnerability, but she held it instead of lashing out or punishing. That's a crucial component of the self-control she was learning, since a fundamental difference between coercion and request is whether "no" is a valid answer. I know people in my life whose requests are not really requests--they WILL make your life hell until they get their way, like a child throwing a tantrum. Akito had to unlearn that compulsion to control others and learned to approach them as equals, as people with inner lives and reasons as valid as her own. She learned to see them as ends in themselves and not means for her own ends, a leap of faith that only the truly grown-up, only the strong in spirit can take.
Akito was the biggest shock for me in jumping from the anime to the manga. Now that I've read it, I will never be able to bring myself to hate Akito.
[Spoiler (click to open)]It's tragic that being nice can be harmful, but Kyo and Akito both prove it, as you said. The best I can figure is that acting in fear can only engender more fear, no matter the intent.
As a teacher, I genuinely contemplated Akito during my day. It's so easy to let kids get away with things and so hard to correct them. Sometimes I needed to take a long hard look at the consequences of letting things slide.
I'm glad you enjoyed the end scene with Akito as much as I did. I love that I feel her womanhood is an essential part of her character. She goes from being a scared girl to a beautiful woman, and in accepting herself finds a special power and radiance she never knew she had. If that's the take away, I'd definitely say this is a happy story.
THIS SO MUCH. Invalidating and dismissing feelings--no matter how nicely--is a big part of dismissing the person, and therefore of telling them they are worthless. I remember how it felt every time I was told I was wrong, or ungrateful, or selfish for feeling pain. In time I made myself go numb so I wouldn't have to experience the disorientation and self-hatred for having the "wrong" feelings, and I'm still recovering from that.
[The rest are spoilers]Akira's treatment of Akito is another example of "niceness" gone terribly wrong, much like the way Kyo's mother dealt with his true self. In both cases the parent is refusing to face the reality of the child and professing love for a fantasy version of the child: In Akito's case the Very Special Person who is somehow exempt from the uncertainties of life, who never has to try, grow, lose, or suffer because she's so perfect everything will just fall in place for her. Akito had to try and be that perfect person no matter what the cost, because otherwise it would mean she would never be and had never been deserving of her father's love. How many lives are destroyed because parents are unwilling to face the reality of their children as full human beings?
Because her parents never taught her to have realistic expectations and to control herself (rather than try to control other people), Akito had to learn those lessons the hard way as an adult. Tohru became the catalyst for the lesson as she did for so many others who lacked parental guidance, but ultimately, as with all real lessons, it was Akito who had to take the step on her own. I respect her for having the strength to do that, and for taking the lesson farther on her own by not only changing herself but reforming the toxic environment she had grown up in and was now in charge of.
It's a measure of Akito's growth that she even learned to take rejection, the very thing she had feared and fought against all her life. It hurt when her own employee turned her back on her in the moment of her openness and vulnerability, but she held it instead of lashing out or punishing. That's a crucial component of the self-control she was learning, since a fundamental difference between coercion and request is whether "no" is a valid answer. I know people in my life whose requests are not really requests--they WILL make your life hell until they get their way, like a child throwing a tantrum. Akito had to unlearn that compulsion to control others and learned to approach them as equals, as people with inner lives and reasons as valid as her own. She learned to see them as ends in themselves and not means for her own ends, a leap of faith that only the truly grown-up, only the strong in spirit can take.
Reply
[Spoiler (click to open)]It's tragic that being nice can be harmful, but Kyo and Akito both prove it, as you said. The best I can figure is that acting in fear can only engender more fear, no matter the intent.
As a teacher, I genuinely contemplated Akito during my day. It's so easy to let kids get away with things and so hard to correct them. Sometimes I needed to take a long hard look at the consequences of letting things slide.
I'm glad you enjoyed the end scene with Akito as much as I did. I love that I feel her womanhood is an essential part of her character. She goes from being a scared girl to a beautiful woman, and in accepting herself finds a special power and radiance she never knew she had. If that's the take away, I'd definitely say this is a happy story.
Reply
Leave a comment