weird stuff
So, why is it that I never seem to write unless there is something relatively large going on?
I haven't had much of a relationship with my father for the last, ohhh year and a half of my life...since my wedding as a matter of fact...and I get the news that he has liver cancer and has a year to live. HOLY F***ING SH**!!!
Here is the story...it is going to be pretty long, so if you don't have the time to invest, you may want to stop now and comeback another time......
Apparently my father was not feeling very well over the weekend a few weeks ago and when things progressively got worse he decided to go to the hospital...he was admitted and stayed there for about a week. The diagnosis was...lung infection and obstructed bowel...put on antibiotic and drove himself home on a Saturday (August 5). The following Thursday he was admitted back into the hospital so surgery could be performed on the "bowel obstruction". This event (surgery) took place last Friday (August 11). On Thursday evening my mother came down to my house for the weekend and explained to me the surgery that was going to take place, etc. and I don't know how I knew, but I just knew and I looked at my mother and said, well...we all need to be prepared for the worst case scenario here...sounds to me like they are going to go in there and remove this mass and they are going to find some cancer...I honestly can not say how it is that I knew, but I just knew. I have never claimed to be clairvoyant before, but the more and more I think about it, this is NOT the first time I have had a gut feeling about something and it has happened...The mass that was the size of an orange was removed from his colon/rectum and was, in fact, cancer...but there were also spots of cancer already on his liver...and unfortunately the spots were on both lobes of the liver so the surgeon was unable to remove any of them during the surgery, however...all the other cancer (colon/rectum) was apparently removed with the tumor.
Anyway...now I am really in a pickle. This is a truly tragic thing to have happen to anyone. There is a part of me that knows I need to get involved if for no other reason than to manage the process...Amee is living in some alternate reality where she thinks "Daddy is going to be just fine" I pretty much had to tell her last night that I thought she was delusional and that although staying positive is critical, cancer is not an easy road to hoe and there is more of a likely hood that things are not going to be okay than that things are going to be okay. He doesn't have the flu here. Let's be real. I know it is a harsh reality, but it is reality none-the-less, so lets not try to kid ourselves into believing that the man is going to be back to normal in a few weeks here. The doctors prognosis originally was one year to live. That is 52 weeks. The Dr. is not God and he doesn't play him on TV...it could be 5 years or it could be 5 weeks. There are no guarantees in situations like this.
There is only one being in all the universe that knows the answer and he ain't sharing his secret with us or the surgeon. Only time will tell.
For all involved I do hope that this is not the beginning of the end, but there is something in my gut that is saying that it very possibly is just that. I may be compounding matters by doing so much research on line about liver cancer, but I am getting my hands on an as*load of information. The one good thing...if there is such a thing now...if the cancer spread from some other place to the liver the number are looking a bit more promising, but there still aren't any numbers for the folks that overcome the disease entirely...could it be because it is not likely???? Once again...a harsh reality!
There are so many things...morbid as all hell, but a ton of stuff that needs to be thought about...medical care...eventual hospice, funeral expenses...burial...none of which are cheap in time, emotional energy or money. Lets put into perspective one thing...Teresa is a teacher working a second job to have some money for little extras in life...Amee just got hired full time and permanent at BB&T after being unemployed for quite a few months and I just started a new job...time and money are not necessarily in abundance for the three of us and those are the things that are needed the most right now. My father has 3 daughters...one of which has been both physically and emotionally removed from him for well over a year now...one lives in NC and the other one lives in MD..he has a sister that lives in Ligonier that he has a marginally good relationship with, another sister that lives in FL...his oldest brother that also lives in FL and another brother that lives somewhere in the back woods of southwestern PA...with no phone, etc. A gaggle of nieces and nephews and even a few great nieces and nephews, but he has compromised so many of his relationships over the years that it is difficult to imagine everyone just jolly well extending a helping hand.
Why is it that unfortunate situations bring out the most bizarre emotions in people? My mother insists that I need to do what I need to do so I don't end up with any regrets. I think both of my sisters think I should just let it all go and pick-up where he and I left off b/4 the wedding (not the likely outcome for those of you scoring at home). I do not feel like I owe the man any type of apology what so ever...I have nothing to apologize for. I am not the one that made a complete and utter ass of myself at my wedding and I am certainly not the one that further compromised the relationship by not having the balls one is born with to extend an apology for said actions.
I can't type anymore...will write more later.
I haven't had much of a relationship with my father for the last, ohhh year and a half of my life...since my wedding as a matter of fact...and I get the news that he has liver cancer and has a year to live. HOLY F***ING SH**!!!
Here is the story...it is going to be pretty long, so if you don't have the time to invest, you may want to stop now and comeback another time......
Apparently my father was not feeling very well over the weekend a few weeks ago and when things progressively got worse he decided to go to the hospital...he was admitted and stayed there for about a week. The diagnosis was...lung infection and obstructed bowel...put on antibiotic and drove himself home on a Saturday (August 5). The following Thursday he was admitted back into the hospital so surgery could be performed on the "bowel obstruction". This event (surgery) took place last Friday (August 11). On Thursday evening my mother came down to my house for the weekend and explained to me the surgery that was going to take place, etc. and I don't know how I knew, but I just knew and I looked at my mother and said, well...we all need to be prepared for the worst case scenario here...sounds to me like they are going to go in there and remove this mass and they are going to find some cancer...I honestly can not say how it is that I knew, but I just knew. I have never claimed to be clairvoyant before, but the more and more I think about it, this is NOT the first time I have had a gut feeling about something and it has happened...The mass that was the size of an orange was removed from his colon/rectum and was, in fact, cancer...but there were also spots of cancer already on his liver...and unfortunately the spots were on both lobes of the liver so the surgeon was unable to remove any of them during the surgery, however...all the other cancer (colon/rectum) was apparently removed with the tumor.
Anyway...now I am really in a pickle. This is a truly tragic thing to have happen to anyone. There is a part of me that knows I need to get involved if for no other reason than to manage the process...Amee is living in some alternate reality where she thinks "Daddy is going to be just fine" I pretty much had to tell her last night that I thought she was delusional and that although staying positive is critical, cancer is not an easy road to hoe and there is more of a likely hood that things are not going to be okay than that things are going to be okay. He doesn't have the flu here. Let's be real. I know it is a harsh reality, but it is reality none-the-less, so lets not try to kid ourselves into believing that the man is going to be back to normal in a few weeks here. The doctors prognosis originally was one year to live. That is 52 weeks. The Dr. is not God and he doesn't play him on TV...it could be 5 years or it could be 5 weeks. There are no guarantees in situations like this.
There is only one being in all the universe that knows the answer and he ain't sharing his secret with us or the surgeon. Only time will tell.
For all involved I do hope that this is not the beginning of the end, but there is something in my gut that is saying that it very possibly is just that. I may be compounding matters by doing so much research on line about liver cancer, but I am getting my hands on an as*load of information. The one good thing...if there is such a thing now...if the cancer spread from some other place to the liver the number are looking a bit more promising, but there still aren't any numbers for the folks that overcome the disease entirely...could it be because it is not likely???? Once again...a harsh reality!
There are so many things...morbid as all hell, but a ton of stuff that needs to be thought about...medical care...eventual hospice, funeral expenses...burial...none of which are cheap in time, emotional energy or money. Lets put into perspective one thing...Teresa is a teacher working a second job to have some money for little extras in life...Amee just got hired full time and permanent at BB&T after being unemployed for quite a few months and I just started a new job...time and money are not necessarily in abundance for the three of us and those are the things that are needed the most right now. My father has 3 daughters...one of which has been both physically and emotionally removed from him for well over a year now...one lives in NC and the other one lives in MD..he has a sister that lives in Ligonier that he has a marginally good relationship with, another sister that lives in FL...his oldest brother that also lives in FL and another brother that lives somewhere in the back woods of southwestern PA...with no phone, etc. A gaggle of nieces and nephews and even a few great nieces and nephews, but he has compromised so many of his relationships over the years that it is difficult to imagine everyone just jolly well extending a helping hand.
Why is it that unfortunate situations bring out the most bizarre emotions in people? My mother insists that I need to do what I need to do so I don't end up with any regrets. I think both of my sisters think I should just let it all go and pick-up where he and I left off b/4 the wedding (not the likely outcome for those of you scoring at home). I do not feel like I owe the man any type of apology what so ever...I have nothing to apologize for. I am not the one that made a complete and utter ass of myself at my wedding and I am certainly not the one that further compromised the relationship by not having the balls one is born with to extend an apology for said actions.
I can't type anymore...will write more later.