just ramblings, don't worry
Ian and I have been dating nearly a year now. This is a good thing. I'm happy, this is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in, and it's also the longest healthy relationship I've ever been in. But old hurts are to kill, and some part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Ian is nothing like anyone else I've ever been with, and I know that my fears aren't from him, they're from me. I don't know, sort of a "things are quiet...too quiet" kind of thing. When things go really good, I'm not used to it, and I wait for shit to hit the fan. I guess I'm affraid that I'm going to do something to sabotage it all. Let's face it, I am a raging bitch sometimes, and I'm so scared that I'm going to do or say something to push him over the edge and make him walk away. I don't want to lose him, and I'm so affraid of it happening. I've tried so hard not to hurt him like he's been hurt before. And I can almost hear him in my head "Jenn, you're not Shaggy." But I'm surprised I have a nose left, you know, since I so often cut it off to spite my face. And at the same time, I'm affraid that my fear and my worrying are going to end up pushing him away. Arrg!!! Vicious circles.....my brain hurts
I know that I need to let the past go, and I've been working on that for nearly two years. Again, Ian is like no one I've ever been with before, and I also know that I am not the same person I was even a year ago. But I still can't help but be scared. And yes, you can smack me at any point so I'll shut up.
Onto other ramblings: I was bored a little while ago at work, so I started reading through recent LJ posts of Ian's bro and their friends (people I know, just haven't gotten around to adding them to my friends yet). Granted, except for Ian's bro, Andrew, I've only met these people once. And we all know how shy and quiet I am when I meet new people. With having our weekly "series night", I've come to know Andrew and his wife, Laura, pretty well. But reading those posts made me realize that I still kind of feel like an outsider. Believe me, it was nothing anyone did or said...nothing like that. It's just me. Shit, I felt the same way when I first started hanging out with Judit, Lynda, and Jase and all the rest. No one made me feel that way, in fact they tried pretty damn hard to make me feel like one of them. But they had all known each other for so long before I came along. It's kind of like coming into a movie an hour into it. It's ackward at first. But I'm at the point where I almost have no past when it comes to people. Pretty much everyone from my past is gone. For example, there is only one person I still associate with from my pre-Missourri days, and she and I seem to be on constantly shakey ground. Anyways, I met Ian, Andrew, and Laura's friends back in August. Matt and I talk every now and then through LJ. But Robert, Scooter, and ? (sorry, I forgot her name) I had never met or spoken to before that. Yet again, coming in around the middle of the movie, and not quite sure what the hell is going on. They all seemed pretty cool, and I'd love to have the chance to hang out with them again. But how in the hell to plan something like that?
You know, I'm really not quite sure why I'm writing all of this. Ramblings, I suppose. I know a lot of my problem is that I've come so far and worked so hard and had so much help in the last two years. And everyone knows how hard it can be to build new friendships/relationships, especially if you don't really have anything good in the past to base it on. I'm scared to death of having gained so much and then losing it all. The other point is that there are instances where I feel like an outside. But shit, there have been times when I've felt like that with my own family. And please don't get the wrong idea about them - they've never intentionally made me feel that way, and the one time I said something about it in front of my Mom, I really upset her. It just seems that I tend to find it so difficult to find my little niche, find my spot, find what I want and need and makes me happy, and when I do finally find it, something happens to get in the way. Funny, that something is usually me.
I know that I need to let the past go, and I've been working on that for nearly two years. Again, Ian is like no one I've ever been with before, and I also know that I am not the same person I was even a year ago. But I still can't help but be scared. And yes, you can smack me at any point so I'll shut up.
Onto other ramblings: I was bored a little while ago at work, so I started reading through recent LJ posts of Ian's bro and their friends (people I know, just haven't gotten around to adding them to my friends yet). Granted, except for Ian's bro, Andrew, I've only met these people once. And we all know how shy and quiet I am when I meet new people. With having our weekly "series night", I've come to know Andrew and his wife, Laura, pretty well. But reading those posts made me realize that I still kind of feel like an outsider. Believe me, it was nothing anyone did or said...nothing like that. It's just me. Shit, I felt the same way when I first started hanging out with Judit, Lynda, and Jase and all the rest. No one made me feel that way, in fact they tried pretty damn hard to make me feel like one of them. But they had all known each other for so long before I came along. It's kind of like coming into a movie an hour into it. It's ackward at first. But I'm at the point where I almost have no past when it comes to people. Pretty much everyone from my past is gone. For example, there is only one person I still associate with from my pre-Missourri days, and she and I seem to be on constantly shakey ground. Anyways, I met Ian, Andrew, and Laura's friends back in August. Matt and I talk every now and then through LJ. But Robert, Scooter, and ? (sorry, I forgot her name) I had never met or spoken to before that. Yet again, coming in around the middle of the movie, and not quite sure what the hell is going on. They all seemed pretty cool, and I'd love to have the chance to hang out with them again. But how in the hell to plan something like that?
You know, I'm really not quite sure why I'm writing all of this. Ramblings, I suppose. I know a lot of my problem is that I've come so far and worked so hard and had so much help in the last two years. And everyone knows how hard it can be to build new friendships/relationships, especially if you don't really have anything good in the past to base it on. I'm scared to death of having gained so much and then losing it all. The other point is that there are instances where I feel like an outside. But shit, there have been times when I've felt like that with my own family. And please don't get the wrong idea about them - they've never intentionally made me feel that way, and the one time I said something about it in front of my Mom, I really upset her. It just seems that I tend to find it so difficult to find my little niche, find my spot, find what I want and need and makes me happy, and when I do finally find it, something happens to get in the way. Funny, that something is usually me.