no i am not at the gym
because I am whining on the Internet. Really, really soon I will start my morning exercise routine. Really soon now.
I woke up at 4:30 from a nightmare that my elder son was dead. His new college girlfriend is being stalked by an abusive ex and he is a White Knight in Training and making noise about confronting the stalker. Hence the nightmare.
He sent me a screenshot of a text the girl received...there is no trigger warning strong enough, no age restriction high enough, no cut deep enough to allow me to even quote a part of it. And while I have read and been appalled at many of the Internet comments/Facebook posts/e-mail replies that women get from disappointed and angry men, it feels quite different when they reference your child in them. Quite different.
Elder son wants to jump on a horse and sally forth and all I want him to do is hide. I had one shameful moment when I wished he'd get the hell away from the woman as quickly as possible to avoid being collateral damage.
I've been running over what the poor girl can do, and all I can come up with is block his number (a temporary fix depending on what cellphone company she has), retreat from social media if she's on it, change her cell number and not give it out except to trusted individuals, go on record with the authorities, either college or cops although they won't do anything, alert her parents, switch colleges???? Nunnery??
It's funny, my son just told me a ha-ha story about how his superior and advanced college doesn't believe in safe spaces because Freedom of Thought and Speech Rock. He laughed and laughed. Will he recognize that this is the dark underbelly of Freedom? The Freedom to Stalk and Harass and Threaten and Terrify? After all the guy hasn't done anything but talk.
Why is this okay? Why is this tut-tutted? I don't even know. I kept thinking of Margaret Atwood's comment "Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them."
My sons were raised by feminist parents (we have our regressive moments and disagreements but basically feminist). Yet as they go through adolescence I see the zero-sum thinking, #notallfeminists BUT, and the I Saw it on YouTube It Must Be True (younger son there). I've heard them BOTH use the word 'feminazi'. In my presence! This was in response to them using 'feminist' as a pejorative and my telling them frankly that I was a feminist and maybe they should re-think. So not YOU, mom, not the reasonable feminists, just them-- those Feminazis over there.
The YouTube thing is funny. The whole point of social media, as far as I can tell, is to make you think you know people when you really only know the persona they post. There was a post on Whatever about this just recently. I find myself editing these posts, you know, to make myself seem better. I try to be honest, but there is shading, and omission, and some slant. I am aware of it, and I assume you all have a grain of salt if not a whole shaker nearby when you read. But kids, they don't have their critical thinking set in place yet. I have to point out over and over again to #2--you are looking at a filmed incident. Filmed. Possibly staged. You can not know whether this is an actual thing that happened or a staged re-enactment, or fiction. You can not know if it is representative. If it happened, it's shameful. If it's happening a lot, it's outrageous. But be careful you're not tarring a whole population with a brush dipped in justification.
The one thing about kids is that you are constantly teaching yourself as you teach them. How many times have I accepted a story without checking its provenance? I try but sometimes it is easier, and more compelling, to just believe what falls in line with your preconceptions.
The Seduction of Outrage--it's everywhere, isn't it? In our politics, in our personal lives. Ranting is so much more immediately satisfying than understanding.
My sisters want me to be angry and upset and even vindictive over my marital troubles. Well, marital failure actually since it takes two at a minimum to make a marriage and I'm the only one rowing this boat. In circles. They are protective of me. But I don't want to be bitter and angry--allowing myself to feel that way but not letting those feelings take over is very, very hard.
Back to the original topic. Any suggestions out there from those of you who've had to deal with angry exes? Or had to deal with it second-hand, like my son is? The angry ex is not on the same campus but I'm not sure how far away he is. The girl is not telling my son the ex's location for fear he'll get out that horse. Bless her for that. Suggestions welcome. This entry was originally posted at http://vjs2259.dreamwidth.org/403859.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
I woke up at 4:30 from a nightmare that my elder son was dead. His new college girlfriend is being stalked by an abusive ex and he is a White Knight in Training and making noise about confronting the stalker. Hence the nightmare.
He sent me a screenshot of a text the girl received...there is no trigger warning strong enough, no age restriction high enough, no cut deep enough to allow me to even quote a part of it. And while I have read and been appalled at many of the Internet comments/Facebook posts/e-mail replies that women get from disappointed and angry men, it feels quite different when they reference your child in them. Quite different.
Elder son wants to jump on a horse and sally forth and all I want him to do is hide. I had one shameful moment when I wished he'd get the hell away from the woman as quickly as possible to avoid being collateral damage.
I've been running over what the poor girl can do, and all I can come up with is block his number (a temporary fix depending on what cellphone company she has), retreat from social media if she's on it, change her cell number and not give it out except to trusted individuals, go on record with the authorities, either college or cops although they won't do anything, alert her parents, switch colleges???? Nunnery??
It's funny, my son just told me a ha-ha story about how his superior and advanced college doesn't believe in safe spaces because Freedom of Thought and Speech Rock. He laughed and laughed. Will he recognize that this is the dark underbelly of Freedom? The Freedom to Stalk and Harass and Threaten and Terrify? After all the guy hasn't done anything but talk.
Why is this okay? Why is this tut-tutted? I don't even know. I kept thinking of Margaret Atwood's comment "Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them."
My sons were raised by feminist parents (we have our regressive moments and disagreements but basically feminist). Yet as they go through adolescence I see the zero-sum thinking, #notallfeminists BUT, and the I Saw it on YouTube It Must Be True (younger son there). I've heard them BOTH use the word 'feminazi'. In my presence! This was in response to them using 'feminist' as a pejorative and my telling them frankly that I was a feminist and maybe they should re-think. So not YOU, mom, not the reasonable feminists, just them-- those Feminazis over there.
The YouTube thing is funny. The whole point of social media, as far as I can tell, is to make you think you know people when you really only know the persona they post. There was a post on Whatever about this just recently. I find myself editing these posts, you know, to make myself seem better. I try to be honest, but there is shading, and omission, and some slant. I am aware of it, and I assume you all have a grain of salt if not a whole shaker nearby when you read. But kids, they don't have their critical thinking set in place yet. I have to point out over and over again to #2--you are looking at a filmed incident. Filmed. Possibly staged. You can not know whether this is an actual thing that happened or a staged re-enactment, or fiction. You can not know if it is representative. If it happened, it's shameful. If it's happening a lot, it's outrageous. But be careful you're not tarring a whole population with a brush dipped in justification.
The one thing about kids is that you are constantly teaching yourself as you teach them. How many times have I accepted a story without checking its provenance? I try but sometimes it is easier, and more compelling, to just believe what falls in line with your preconceptions.
The Seduction of Outrage--it's everywhere, isn't it? In our politics, in our personal lives. Ranting is so much more immediately satisfying than understanding.
My sisters want me to be angry and upset and even vindictive over my marital troubles. Well, marital failure actually since it takes two at a minimum to make a marriage and I'm the only one rowing this boat. In circles. They are protective of me. But I don't want to be bitter and angry--allowing myself to feel that way but not letting those feelings take over is very, very hard.
Back to the original topic. Any suggestions out there from those of you who've had to deal with angry exes? Or had to deal with it second-hand, like my son is? The angry ex is not on the same campus but I'm not sure how far away he is. The girl is not telling my son the ex's location for fear he'll get out that horse. Bless her for that. Suggestions welcome. This entry was originally posted at http://vjs2259.dreamwidth.org/403859.html. Please comment there using OpenID.