surrreality
Going into these last few weeks I find myself alternating between relief and panic. Relief, that it's almost over, this tour of duty, this coming into work like a ghost at the feast, dashing into the bathroom to hide unexpected tears. Panic, that I have nothing in view except a long slog and an endlessly tightening belt.
May is de-clutter month. We have to clean house in both senses of the word. Our neighborhood is holding a community yard sale on May 30th which is co-incidentally convenient. Staging area in the garage--the part we can get into :) and what doesn't sell gets donated or trashed.
June is cleaning month. The whole house, top to bottom. Staining the deck. Work on the yard. Windows, inside and out.
July is rehab month. Painting, cleaning and waxing or possibly sanding and staining the upstairs wood floors, re-do small bath if time.
August is...too far away.
During all this I simultaneously look for work, possibly interview, possibly pack up and move away from my family. I'll visit my parents in June. They and my sister are visiting in July. I'll visit again in August if still here. There is intermittent summer camp for #2, and work for #1. Poor R gets breadwinner status, although at least he'll get a clean house and more home cooking than usual in return.
I've started having nightmares. They all involve abandonment and loss. Can't find my son, the dog runs away, that sort of thing. Looking, seeking, never finding dreams. I skip eating, I eat to excess. I work out when I make myself, often doing too much once I flog myself into going. I'm nauseous a lot of the time. Every muscle aches; neck, jaw, back. I need a vacation. I'm getting an unpaid vacation.
Weirdly, along with relief and panic, I'm almost excited. I have a plan, but as the saying goes, life is what happens when you're making other plans.
"I can't go back, but I can appreciate what I have right now. And I can define myself by what I am instead of what I'm not."
"And what are you?"
"Alive. Everything else is negotiable."
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May is de-clutter month. We have to clean house in both senses of the word. Our neighborhood is holding a community yard sale on May 30th which is co-incidentally convenient. Staging area in the garage--the part we can get into :) and what doesn't sell gets donated or trashed.
June is cleaning month. The whole house, top to bottom. Staining the deck. Work on the yard. Windows, inside and out.
July is rehab month. Painting, cleaning and waxing or possibly sanding and staining the upstairs wood floors, re-do small bath if time.
August is...too far away.
During all this I simultaneously look for work, possibly interview, possibly pack up and move away from my family. I'll visit my parents in June. They and my sister are visiting in July. I'll visit again in August if still here. There is intermittent summer camp for #2, and work for #1. Poor R gets breadwinner status, although at least he'll get a clean house and more home cooking than usual in return.
I've started having nightmares. They all involve abandonment and loss. Can't find my son, the dog runs away, that sort of thing. Looking, seeking, never finding dreams. I skip eating, I eat to excess. I work out when I make myself, often doing too much once I flog myself into going. I'm nauseous a lot of the time. Every muscle aches; neck, jaw, back. I need a vacation. I'm getting an unpaid vacation.
Weirdly, along with relief and panic, I'm almost excited. I have a plan, but as the saying goes, life is what happens when you're making other plans.
"I can't go back, but I can appreciate what I have right now. And I can define myself by what I am instead of what I'm not."
"And what are you?"
"Alive. Everything else is negotiable."
This entry was originally posted at http://vjs2259.dreamwidth.org/368960.html. Please comment there using OpenID.