(no subject)
I can't help but look forward. Sitting in a new place, a new start. Mentally, physically emotionally I am just a better person. Nicolette made a joke the other day that I have mental breakdowns, biyearly broke downs, but they are much more common then that lately. My heart has been full of such despair and sorrow. After Natalie's accident I lost my ambition, my lust for life.
I just thought about the fact that my life will be about attaining things, a husband, a house, a nice car, with a nice yard, and a closet full of nice things. What a waste of life, to just accumulate things. And the whole while I will be losing my loved ones. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents, friends, family.... I can't really explain completely the horrible things that would go through my mind. The cloud of desperation was too thick to see out of it. But its thinning, things are coming together completely. I have been trying with my mom, really trying. Living with her might be one of the harder things I have to deal with day to day...but I know it helps her.
I took the weight of expectations off of my shoulders. I want to live my life each day, each step. I want to make my mistakes, fall down and pull myself back up. I want to travel, experience things, love. But more importantly I want to help people. In a world full of so much negativity, so much hate, I want to bring in sunshine...I guess the next couple years will be spent figuring out exactly how I can do that.