(no subject)
It's now been more than a month since I've smoked a cigarette. Here we go again. Maybe I won't start again? Please?
I've been drinking a lot more than I usually do, not sure what's up with that. Which means I've been drunk twice in the last 2 weeks, drunk enough that I don't remember going to bed. It's not to the point where I'm worried about it, but with my family history...well, there have been several family members that have been in treatment for substances including alcohol and I don't want to just assume it won't become a problem. Because pot is my drug of choice, and I don't plan on that changing. Plus it's cheaper--well, it is for us anyhow.
I don't know what's wrong with me, why I can't seem to stop myself from saying sexual things to guys I've slept with in the past. It's all fantasy, and I tell myself that it's different than it was with the other guy because there's no way I can thing there's anything but a sex thing with this guy. But that's what I thought last time. And there was so much I read into what he said. I see that now, how he never said the things I thought he did. Some things he did. Damnit, why am I still thinking about him? It's obvious that he never gave two shits for me, let alone cared about me. I really need to just be a good wife.
Lan deserves me to be a good wife. He loves me so much, he's so good to me. I took a step today to ensure that because he asked me to. I wish that I had done it sooner, I'm not sure why I waited. *shrugs* it's done now. I'm struggling, but I'm persevering. Strange how the brain can find excuses for doing the wrong thing. It's kind of like an addiction thing. Talking to Charlie today he said he never quit drinking even when he told me he had. That he'd lied. I told him "I figured as much. Addicts lie." Not me, not this time. Not again.
I've been drinking a lot more than I usually do, not sure what's up with that. Which means I've been drunk twice in the last 2 weeks, drunk enough that I don't remember going to bed. It's not to the point where I'm worried about it, but with my family history...well, there have been several family members that have been in treatment for substances including alcohol and I don't want to just assume it won't become a problem. Because pot is my drug of choice, and I don't plan on that changing. Plus it's cheaper--well, it is for us anyhow.
I don't know what's wrong with me, why I can't seem to stop myself from saying sexual things to guys I've slept with in the past. It's all fantasy, and I tell myself that it's different than it was with the other guy because there's no way I can thing there's anything but a sex thing with this guy. But that's what I thought last time. And there was so much I read into what he said. I see that now, how he never said the things I thought he did. Some things he did. Damnit, why am I still thinking about him? It's obvious that he never gave two shits for me, let alone cared about me. I really need to just be a good wife.
Lan deserves me to be a good wife. He loves me so much, he's so good to me. I took a step today to ensure that because he asked me to. I wish that I had done it sooner, I'm not sure why I waited. *shrugs* it's done now. I'm struggling, but I'm persevering. Strange how the brain can find excuses for doing the wrong thing. It's kind of like an addiction thing. Talking to Charlie today he said he never quit drinking even when he told me he had. That he'd lied. I told him "I figured as much. Addicts lie." Not me, not this time. Not again.