(no subject)
All is changing, every last thing is shifting places and roles are being down played unintentionally. Not to huge extremes, but just enough to give me this anxiety that is killing my digestive system. My life is churning out the next days with ease but my mind is still not breezing by in the manner I really wish it could. I stagger in my thoughts a lot, I manipulate and expect things just because I have the whole plan figured out.
I never really realized that people read my livejournal, like my exboyfriend. I don't mean like, glance over it, but I mean read it and analyze what's really going on in my life and if I've fucked up or not. Thanks for being worried about me but don't worry I can take care of myself, fucking asshole. No need to go tell on me.
I fell into a familiar place the other night, it was friends all around with way too much alcohol in our systems. I felt like I was correcting a lot of the shit I did in high school when I messed up hanging out with those kids the first time. The only pitfall from that night is this HORRIBLE part of my personality that comes out when I'm around _____ and he pulls those lines. They were so extreme this time that I fell for them again. And maybe he isn't necessarily going to fuck me over, but he's going to act like HIM and it's going to drive me absolutely insane and I'm going to realize the fact that I can't really function normally in relationships. I need them to be completely obsessed over me and tell me they care all of the time, and I want them to make promises. Huge ones, life changing ones. This is what I hate about myself, I'm driven by this self doubt that fucks up peoples lives. I ruined my ex-boyfriends life. I could do this all so well with _____ if I could only plan it out ahead of time instead of just reacting to his phone calls that don't happen, and the lines he doesn't say when he's sober. And it's not that he's not going to care about me, he is, he's just not going to understand my life and my head. And I know I'm going to fall back into this relationship, most likely driven by alcohol, and it's going to repeat this whole cycle over again. Why am I setting myself up for this? And the sad fucking thing is is that I will spend years trying to recreate nights like that.
I'm making music now with a close friend, I'm singing. It feels awesome to have this outlet.
I feel misplaced but not in a really bad way. I'm in this transition period, just waiting on another life to start. Another weird fucking chapter. I'm going to go through a sobriety phase. See how much or how little I drive myself insane.
I never really realized that people read my livejournal, like my exboyfriend. I don't mean like, glance over it, but I mean read it and analyze what's really going on in my life and if I've fucked up or not. Thanks for being worried about me but don't worry I can take care of myself, fucking asshole. No need to go tell on me.
I fell into a familiar place the other night, it was friends all around with way too much alcohol in our systems. I felt like I was correcting a lot of the shit I did in high school when I messed up hanging out with those kids the first time. The only pitfall from that night is this HORRIBLE part of my personality that comes out when I'm around _____ and he pulls those lines. They were so extreme this time that I fell for them again. And maybe he isn't necessarily going to fuck me over, but he's going to act like HIM and it's going to drive me absolutely insane and I'm going to realize the fact that I can't really function normally in relationships. I need them to be completely obsessed over me and tell me they care all of the time, and I want them to make promises. Huge ones, life changing ones. This is what I hate about myself, I'm driven by this self doubt that fucks up peoples lives. I ruined my ex-boyfriends life. I could do this all so well with _____ if I could only plan it out ahead of time instead of just reacting to his phone calls that don't happen, and the lines he doesn't say when he's sober. And it's not that he's not going to care about me, he is, he's just not going to understand my life and my head. And I know I'm going to fall back into this relationship, most likely driven by alcohol, and it's going to repeat this whole cycle over again. Why am I setting myself up for this? And the sad fucking thing is is that I will spend years trying to recreate nights like that.
I'm making music now with a close friend, I'm singing. It feels awesome to have this outlet.
I feel misplaced but not in a really bad way. I'm in this transition period, just waiting on another life to start. Another weird fucking chapter. I'm going to go through a sobriety phase. See how much or how little I drive myself insane.