(no subject)
I'm doing a kick ass job in class. i'm teaching Buddhist and Hindu art from south east asia. Students are working in small groups to observe and discuss Buddhist sculpture. I hear so many negative things about the NYC education system but i see alot of good things in my school. I'm proud of whats happening in my classroom, three years of teaching and i'm finally getting it right.
I wish things at home were as good. My partner is changing for the better. i want to be happy for him but i feel like he's evolving without me. I know that the changes he's going through are positive i just wish i could be there to see it happen more. (you know i dont give details.) WE change so much, one month someone wants distance, the other the month that person wants to be close and spend lots of time together. We never meet up. Here we are, he's working until late into the evening at his community organization, connecting with other people in deep ways, and i lay in bed waiting for him. When he gets home, i'm either asleep or he's talking to his best friend about stuff they talking about in the meeting, things i really cant engage in... it makes me frustrated. Hes not doing anything wrong, i just feel like i dont fit in my own home. If i were someone elso maybe his friend, him, and i would be a perfect match. SO here i am once again, a year later having to reach outside of this relationship for things i want to find inside of it. This time around, at leaste he's distant for good reasons not destructive ones. I'm doing my usual, going to the gym and trying to get involved in other projects but my feelings are the same, why the distance, why the barriers?
Theres some things i'm only comfortable talking to him about, things i'm too ashamed to talk to anyone else on the planet too, and now i cant seem to get around to expressing those ideas with anyone. Even my closest friends i'm not ready to talk with, i just feel alone. Its good to know that there are places like school and the gym that will always be available to me even when others aren't.
I wish things at home were as good. My partner is changing for the better. i want to be happy for him but i feel like he's evolving without me. I know that the changes he's going through are positive i just wish i could be there to see it happen more. (you know i dont give details.) WE change so much, one month someone wants distance, the other the month that person wants to be close and spend lots of time together. We never meet up. Here we are, he's working until late into the evening at his community organization, connecting with other people in deep ways, and i lay in bed waiting for him. When he gets home, i'm either asleep or he's talking to his best friend about stuff they talking about in the meeting, things i really cant engage in... it makes me frustrated. Hes not doing anything wrong, i just feel like i dont fit in my own home. If i were someone elso maybe his friend, him, and i would be a perfect match. SO here i am once again, a year later having to reach outside of this relationship for things i want to find inside of it. This time around, at leaste he's distant for good reasons not destructive ones. I'm doing my usual, going to the gym and trying to get involved in other projects but my feelings are the same, why the distance, why the barriers?
Theres some things i'm only comfortable talking to him about, things i'm too ashamed to talk to anyone else on the planet too, and now i cant seem to get around to expressing those ideas with anyone. Even my closest friends i'm not ready to talk with, i just feel alone. Its good to know that there are places like school and the gym that will always be available to me even when others aren't.