Rest in peace Allan
Okay, so I haven't yet gotten what happened out of my system. I have talked about it a few times, thought about what happened three million times, now I guess I will write it out.
Sunday night I got off work early, was upset because it was my second half shift when I expected a full one. Thought Burgess would be getting ready for soccer, turns out it was cancelled. Great, that means I get to hang out with him. Go to his house, and he suggests a movie, sure why not? We can only catch "War of the worlds" by the time I get there, and despite me thinking it might be too scary for me we decide to go. The New West Theatre; owned by a friend, and close by, so we go there. We are late for the movie and yet after we sit down Burgess says he is going to get popcorn, the gummies we bought made him hungry. He was trying to stay healthy but well thought what the hell we don't go to movies that often. What if he hadn't felt like popcorn? He was paying when he heard the girl come out saying she thinks there is something wrong with a guy in the "Bewitched" theatre. Then she went back into the theatre and her boyfriend came out saying someone should really go and look at him, Burgess runs inside and sees an unconscious lifeless man. He runs into our theatre and tells me to grab my purse and come quick. Little did I know what was waiting for me.
As soon as I saw him, I knew he had been unconscious for more than a little while. He had no colour, he was completely lifeless. There were people around him, but they were doing nothing. I got people to get him off the seat and onto the aisle. There were no vitals, I began CPR. 10 minutes of CPR on a large man, hearing his ribs crack, knowing that it is almost certainly too late for CPR to do any good for him, I still kept doing the compressions, I didn't want to accept that there was no hope. The ambulance came 15minutes after I got to him, they tried everything and worked on him for an hour. It was too late. He had been unconscious, in the dark, without anyone noticing him for too long. 31 years old, on vacation, out to see a movie alone... Allan may you rest in peace.
I still feel very raw, I saw death with my own two eyes. It was my first time using all those years of training, and eventhough I teach my students how to deal with critical incident stress, I feel like my own coping strategies are failing me. I cannot get his face out of my mind, I keep having nightmares where it is the same situation but it is not Allan, instead it is my family. I could have done nothing else, I do not blame myself but I am frustrated that the situation was so horrible. Why did this happen in a dark movie theatre when he was sitting by himself? Why did it occur so quietly? Why did a 31 year old young man have to die that night?
I haven't gotten any answers on what actually caused the death, I don't think it was a heartattack, I think it was something to do with his brain. The police officer told me they should know by friday, I don't know why, but I need to know what happened to Allan.
I teach my students to not let the ribs cracking make them panic, to continue, to know that they will crack, and that at that point it is life over limb. When you hear the cracks it is another story, I cannot get that sound out of my head. The air was going in, the chest was rising, but all the life had already left his body. Allan I wish I had somehow gotten to you earlier, but I didn't, the only explanation is that it was your time to go. That is the only thing I can try and hold on to, in order to give me peace of mind, or something remotely close to that.
I need to sleep, I hope for a better night tonight.
Sunday night I got off work early, was upset because it was my second half shift when I expected a full one. Thought Burgess would be getting ready for soccer, turns out it was cancelled. Great, that means I get to hang out with him. Go to his house, and he suggests a movie, sure why not? We can only catch "War of the worlds" by the time I get there, and despite me thinking it might be too scary for me we decide to go. The New West Theatre; owned by a friend, and close by, so we go there. We are late for the movie and yet after we sit down Burgess says he is going to get popcorn, the gummies we bought made him hungry. He was trying to stay healthy but well thought what the hell we don't go to movies that often. What if he hadn't felt like popcorn? He was paying when he heard the girl come out saying she thinks there is something wrong with a guy in the "Bewitched" theatre. Then she went back into the theatre and her boyfriend came out saying someone should really go and look at him, Burgess runs inside and sees an unconscious lifeless man. He runs into our theatre and tells me to grab my purse and come quick. Little did I know what was waiting for me.
As soon as I saw him, I knew he had been unconscious for more than a little while. He had no colour, he was completely lifeless. There were people around him, but they were doing nothing. I got people to get him off the seat and onto the aisle. There were no vitals, I began CPR. 10 minutes of CPR on a large man, hearing his ribs crack, knowing that it is almost certainly too late for CPR to do any good for him, I still kept doing the compressions, I didn't want to accept that there was no hope. The ambulance came 15minutes after I got to him, they tried everything and worked on him for an hour. It was too late. He had been unconscious, in the dark, without anyone noticing him for too long. 31 years old, on vacation, out to see a movie alone... Allan may you rest in peace.
I still feel very raw, I saw death with my own two eyes. It was my first time using all those years of training, and eventhough I teach my students how to deal with critical incident stress, I feel like my own coping strategies are failing me. I cannot get his face out of my mind, I keep having nightmares where it is the same situation but it is not Allan, instead it is my family. I could have done nothing else, I do not blame myself but I am frustrated that the situation was so horrible. Why did this happen in a dark movie theatre when he was sitting by himself? Why did it occur so quietly? Why did a 31 year old young man have to die that night?
I haven't gotten any answers on what actually caused the death, I don't think it was a heartattack, I think it was something to do with his brain. The police officer told me they should know by friday, I don't know why, but I need to know what happened to Allan.
I teach my students to not let the ribs cracking make them panic, to continue, to know that they will crack, and that at that point it is life over limb. When you hear the cracks it is another story, I cannot get that sound out of my head. The air was going in, the chest was rising, but all the life had already left his body. Allan I wish I had somehow gotten to you earlier, but I didn't, the only explanation is that it was your time to go. That is the only thing I can try and hold on to, in order to give me peace of mind, or something remotely close to that.
I need to sleep, I hope for a better night tonight.