Dropped a point but its probably good in the long run.........
I feel like the divorce made me lose a humanity or at least a morality. Everything feels harsher and crueler and sharper. I accept that people are apathetic and focus more on working around it than trying to inject some empathy into them. I suppose in some ways its a good thing. I feel like my values have shifted dramatically though not necessarily in an entirely bad way. At least I'm not killing myself off trying to save everyone.
If I try to think about Todd, like for exercises in my support group, I come up emotionally empty. Like there's just hollowness where hurt or anger or anything would be. I'm starting to focus a lot more on analytical reasoning than feelings. I know I am a different person than I'd set out to be and I guess the most disturbing part of this is that I don't seem to mind. It seems like a drop in morality path.
The scary thing is it feels like it could be still dropping. I like who I am now but I don't want to continue to change in this direction. I want to have stable inviolate moral standards.
I don't feel bad anymore when I step on a snail, living with someone I'm not married to seems hugely unimportant, I am more prone to thinking ill of people driving around me on the road and snap at them or give them dirty looks (it seems little I know, but for me its a part of giving people who have no reason to wish you ill the benefit of the doubt).... the biggest difference is I don't give people the benefit of the doubt as much as I used to, for little things or big things. I want to hold people accountable for everything. I feel like my capacity to forgive big things is greatly diminished.
I am trying to connect more at temple in hopes that this will help me reconnect with G-d and help create a stabilization within my moral system. I am also trying to give myself a million and one things to do. Its my coping mechanism employed when all else is too difficult to attempt or just isn't working. I should have my work stuff taken care of by tomorrow and by the end of this week, I should have my home more organized also. Poor Andy, my drive to reconnect with temple and give myself a million and one things to do leaves him feeling disconnected and run-over. I promise I'll try to take more time for us. I will, even if I have created a million and one deadlines that wil crash down on my head for it.
Time priorities (not necessarily in order): Isaiah, Andy, Work, school, temple, soccer, game, group, friends (I've utterly neglected the world of people I don't have appointments with beyond those who live in my house).....anything else to add....?
Side note: I wonder if the person who designed the face for the 'quixotic' mood knew what quixotic meant...
If I try to think about Todd, like for exercises in my support group, I come up emotionally empty. Like there's just hollowness where hurt or anger or anything would be. I'm starting to focus a lot more on analytical reasoning than feelings. I know I am a different person than I'd set out to be and I guess the most disturbing part of this is that I don't seem to mind. It seems like a drop in morality path.
The scary thing is it feels like it could be still dropping. I like who I am now but I don't want to continue to change in this direction. I want to have stable inviolate moral standards.
I don't feel bad anymore when I step on a snail, living with someone I'm not married to seems hugely unimportant, I am more prone to thinking ill of people driving around me on the road and snap at them or give them dirty looks (it seems little I know, but for me its a part of giving people who have no reason to wish you ill the benefit of the doubt).... the biggest difference is I don't give people the benefit of the doubt as much as I used to, for little things or big things. I want to hold people accountable for everything. I feel like my capacity to forgive big things is greatly diminished.
I am trying to connect more at temple in hopes that this will help me reconnect with G-d and help create a stabilization within my moral system. I am also trying to give myself a million and one things to do. Its my coping mechanism employed when all else is too difficult to attempt or just isn't working. I should have my work stuff taken care of by tomorrow and by the end of this week, I should have my home more organized also. Poor Andy, my drive to reconnect with temple and give myself a million and one things to do leaves him feeling disconnected and run-over. I promise I'll try to take more time for us. I will, even if I have created a million and one deadlines that wil crash down on my head for it.
Time priorities (not necessarily in order): Isaiah, Andy, Work, school, temple, soccer, game, group, friends (I've utterly neglected the world of people I don't have appointments with beyond those who live in my house).....anything else to add....?
Side note: I wonder if the person who designed the face for the 'quixotic' mood knew what quixotic meant...