Open Letters: Near v. Minnesota 283 U.S. 697 (1931)
An Open Letter to Chief Justice Hughes
Dear Chuck,
I know it can't be easy being a judge. I can't even imagine how hard being the Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court must've been. So many laws to master and analyze, so many decisions that help define our very Constitution. The pressure must've been intense. So intense, in fact, that for all your intellect, well-thought-out arguments, and wisdom, you routinely forgot how to spell.
Maybe it's not you. Maybe it's those darn interns over at Thompson, but c'mon, buddy. Did you really forget the "e" on at least 7 different words? Although, I will admit, "scandalou" was actually pretty funny.
What about your apostrophes, man? They're all over the place! Boldly going where no apostrophe has ever gone before, and never should again!
Oh, and don't even get me started on your spaces-in-the-middle-of-words thing. We don't want to go there tonight, pal.
I know you law-folk have your own, special way of mangling my beloved English language, but even this is over the top. Just work on it, is all I'm sayin'. You're dead now, so I'm sure you've got plenty of time to take these items into consideration.
Sincerely,
Mlle. Obsessed-With-Small-Dots-And-Letters
P.S. I totally agree with your assertion. That statute was total bullshit. I mean, c'mon.
P.P.S. Way to have the same birthday as my Dad, bro.
An Open Letter to Justice Butler
Dear Pierce,
Pardon me, but what is wrong with your brain, dude? For one thing, I don't know why those other four justices let you pick up a pen and write that dissenting opinion, because your argument is about as coherent and cohesive as crack fiend on a binge. Okay, that's an unfair exaggeration... but seriously? You bring douchebaggery to a new low.
When someone doesn't get a chance to defend himself/herself or their publication before a state shuts it down, that is most emphatically not due process of the law, especially when the statute being employed effectively seeks to censor the free press. Sorry bucko, but we can print whatever we want. We might get sued into the ground for it, but that's our business. Unless it's a matter of national security or some other extreme circumstance, no governmental body can interfere with the publication of materials, regardless of whether or not they are true or false, malicious or good-natured. Constitutional protections, baby. Read 'em and weep.
Normally, I'd feel bad for ragging on you so harshly... but I just spent 3 hours struggling my way through Chuckles' and your arguments, so I have no compuction whatsoever. I think your dissenting opinion was totally lame. Furthermore, I think you're lame... but that makes sense, considering you were appointed by Taft. Let's face it, he may have been the President... but he got stuck in his bathtub. Being rendered immobile by a bathroom fixture? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the very definition of lame.
Truthfully,
Snarky McLawhater
An Open Letter to All Law Students
Notice -
I would like to bring something to your attention. You may have noticed by now, but in case you haven't, there's something that needs to be spelled out quite clearly.
Awkward syntax does not a lawyer make. So stop it.
Genuinely,
Shelby's Bleeding Brain
Dear Chuck,
I know it can't be easy being a judge. I can't even imagine how hard being the Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court must've been. So many laws to master and analyze, so many decisions that help define our very Constitution. The pressure must've been intense. So intense, in fact, that for all your intellect, well-thought-out arguments, and wisdom, you routinely forgot how to spell.
Maybe it's not you. Maybe it's those darn interns over at Thompson, but c'mon, buddy. Did you really forget the "e" on at least 7 different words? Although, I will admit, "scandalou" was actually pretty funny.
What about your apostrophes, man? They're all over the place! Boldly going where no apostrophe has ever gone before, and never should again!
Oh, and don't even get me started on your spaces-in-the-middle-of-words thing. We don't want to go there tonight, pal.
I know you law-folk have your own, special way of mangling my beloved English language, but even this is over the top. Just work on it, is all I'm sayin'. You're dead now, so I'm sure you've got plenty of time to take these items into consideration.
Sincerely,
Mlle. Obsessed-With-Small-Dots-And-Letters
P.S. I totally agree with your assertion. That statute was total bullshit. I mean, c'mon.
P.P.S. Way to have the same birthday as my Dad, bro.
An Open Letter to Justice Butler
Dear Pierce,
Pardon me, but what is wrong with your brain, dude? For one thing, I don't know why those other four justices let you pick up a pen and write that dissenting opinion, because your argument is about as coherent and cohesive as crack fiend on a binge. Okay, that's an unfair exaggeration... but seriously? You bring douchebaggery to a new low.
When someone doesn't get a chance to defend himself/herself or their publication before a state shuts it down, that is most emphatically not due process of the law, especially when the statute being employed effectively seeks to censor the free press. Sorry bucko, but we can print whatever we want. We might get sued into the ground for it, but that's our business. Unless it's a matter of national security or some other extreme circumstance, no governmental body can interfere with the publication of materials, regardless of whether or not they are true or false, malicious or good-natured. Constitutional protections, baby. Read 'em and weep.
Normally, I'd feel bad for ragging on you so harshly... but I just spent 3 hours struggling my way through Chuckles' and your arguments, so I have no compuction whatsoever. I think your dissenting opinion was totally lame. Furthermore, I think you're lame... but that makes sense, considering you were appointed by Taft. Let's face it, he may have been the President... but he got stuck in his bathtub. Being rendered immobile by a bathroom fixture? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the very definition of lame.
Truthfully,
Snarky McLawhater
An Open Letter to All Law Students
Notice -
I would like to bring something to your attention. You may have noticed by now, but in case you haven't, there's something that needs to be spelled out quite clearly.
Awkward syntax does not a lawyer make. So stop it.
Genuinely,
Shelby's Bleeding Brain