(no subject)
I've slept about 2 hours in the past 48 hours, more or less. Crazy! I'm pretty convinced it's these pills. In one way it's nice because I don't have to worry about passing out at work, but my body feels like it's been neglected some rest. So I took a Tylenol PM and figured I'd write a little before I retire to my room.
I can't really remember what my dreams have been about lately, but I feel as though Michael was somehow a part of them. I have been thinking about him almost constantly but not in the way that it makes me overflow with tears. I'm thankful for that because I've grown weary of being overly emotional and sensitive. Of course, I'm sure I will still have my days. But at least the time inbetween is more lengthy as the months pass.
I'm viewing the upcoming Oct. 30th with some measure of detachment and curiousity. I have no clue how I'm going to act. I think I'll either be really calm and together or really depressed. I can see it going either way right now. The good thing, though, is that on the 29th I'm going to a Halloween party, and on the 31st I'm going to a concert.
When Scotty and I were in the halloween store trying on shades and wigs and what not, I asked him what we did last year for the holiday because I couldn't remember. And then just like that, I remembered. It was a Sunday and we went to 12th Air and I broke down crying several times. Scotty got tipsy and we talked about Michael and then heard/saw "Regret" on the TV. I almost couldn't believe I had forgotten. Funny how that stuff works.
The air is starting to smell like fallen leaves, the damp chill hugs skylines and skin, and I'm caught inbetween remembering my love for this month, my love for this time last year, and my ever-present sorrow that weighs heavier these weeks.
In general I would have to say I've been in good spirits. I am actually enjoying my diet. I still haven't gotten the exercise thing down, but I'm liking the sense of control. I am my own project. And I'm doing it for myself. That feels best most of all.
I know my thoughts are a bit uhm..can't think of the word. I'll say 'jumpy'. Anyway, back to the food thing- today I looked at what I ate for dinner and the portions of it. I was thinking maybe I gave myself too much of the pasta and then it occurred to me that before, I would have eaten maybe 5 times as much of that dish. I try to think back to exactly how much I would eat througout the day and I can't remember but I know it was staggering. god help me if I ever go back to that again.
Anyway, I saw my doctor today...well yesterday morning, and he was quite pleasant this time. He must have been having a bad day the first time. He was very pleased with my progress and we talked a little about Chicago and joked about the pizza. I left the office feeling pretty good, despite my lack of sleep.
Well, enough of the rambling. I work 3p-7a today so I definitely need my rest. I know a few of you are going to have much more exciting weekends than I- so have a fantastic time and don't end up with your heads in the toilet. That's my job, afterall!
I can't really remember what my dreams have been about lately, but I feel as though Michael was somehow a part of them. I have been thinking about him almost constantly but not in the way that it makes me overflow with tears. I'm thankful for that because I've grown weary of being overly emotional and sensitive. Of course, I'm sure I will still have my days. But at least the time inbetween is more lengthy as the months pass.
I'm viewing the upcoming Oct. 30th with some measure of detachment and curiousity. I have no clue how I'm going to act. I think I'll either be really calm and together or really depressed. I can see it going either way right now. The good thing, though, is that on the 29th I'm going to a Halloween party, and on the 31st I'm going to a concert.
When Scotty and I were in the halloween store trying on shades and wigs and what not, I asked him what we did last year for the holiday because I couldn't remember. And then just like that, I remembered. It was a Sunday and we went to 12th Air and I broke down crying several times. Scotty got tipsy and we talked about Michael and then heard/saw "Regret" on the TV. I almost couldn't believe I had forgotten. Funny how that stuff works.
The air is starting to smell like fallen leaves, the damp chill hugs skylines and skin, and I'm caught inbetween remembering my love for this month, my love for this time last year, and my ever-present sorrow that weighs heavier these weeks.
In general I would have to say I've been in good spirits. I am actually enjoying my diet. I still haven't gotten the exercise thing down, but I'm liking the sense of control. I am my own project. And I'm doing it for myself. That feels best most of all.
I know my thoughts are a bit uhm..can't think of the word. I'll say 'jumpy'. Anyway, back to the food thing- today I looked at what I ate for dinner and the portions of it. I was thinking maybe I gave myself too much of the pasta and then it occurred to me that before, I would have eaten maybe 5 times as much of that dish. I try to think back to exactly how much I would eat througout the day and I can't remember but I know it was staggering. god help me if I ever go back to that again.
Anyway, I saw my doctor today...well yesterday morning, and he was quite pleasant this time. He must have been having a bad day the first time. He was very pleased with my progress and we talked a little about Chicago and joked about the pizza. I left the office feeling pretty good, despite my lack of sleep.
Well, enough of the rambling. I work 3p-7a today so I definitely need my rest. I know a few of you are going to have much more exciting weekends than I- so have a fantastic time and don't end up with your heads in the toilet. That's my job, afterall!