Eargasms
I'm glad everyone found my previous picture so amusing! haha...I challenge you all to post some pictures of you as children, babies even :) I forget how long I had those glasses, but I was definitely still in possession of them at 19. I would purposely put them on when my best friend at the time and I would go out to eat just to embarass him. Thankfully, I no longer look like a 40 year old librarian :)
Anyway...onto other things...long entry ahead...
I woke up today and found that Casey had put some of the song clips from DIVIDE up on caseystratton.com. It's weird because although I have heard them before, some of them quite a few times at shows, listening to them effected me to a degree I didn't expect. The last time I saw Casey perform in NYC, I was a few days into the start of a fury of emotions and depression. It was one of the strongest and longest lasting ones I've had since Michael died. I guess right at that point I was coming out of the fog and into reality, and I just wanted to go on pretending that Michael was coming back or that this was all a little vacation. Because deep down, I believed that. Anyway, so at that time I felt so strange in the world, and the world was so strange to me. Everything sharp, corners everywhere, nothing muted and everything a little askew. There has been a lot of change in my life but when M died and I found myself settled here, the last thing I wanted was change. And for awhile everything went along just fine but of course I can't expect myself to stay in the same place, nor expect anyone else to. I turned all of those feelings of helplessness, sorrow, fear (lots of that), and such in on myself and have just kind of been suffering through these past 2 months. I forced myself to think of other things beside M, and forced myself to spice up my listening habits with a little more variety and more superficialities so that I didn't have to feel, and in not feeling- not worry so much about completely losing it.
I started focusing on getting myself together (signing up for the Growing Through Grief course) and talking more with M's parents as well as my own. Then I decided that I could take control of part of my life by doing something I have always wanted to do- lose weight. And this has made me feel great. It's another outlet for me to put my energy into. In fact, I am going to start a weight loss journal on my webpage so I don't completely bore and annoy the fuck out of everyone here.
Anyway, back to what I was originally trying to say. When I listened to parts of DIVIDE today, all that I had tried to hide away came back. That's not a bad thing. Casey's music and M are forever linked in my mind and my heart so it's inevitable. Of course, not all songs make me think of M but a lot of them do, just by the sheer beauty of the music. If Michael could have been reborn as a song, he would definitely be one of Casey's. As I said in the yahoo group, everytime I listen I fall in love all over again. And I am reminded of how much I love the real, live people in my life. I owe my life to a few of these certain people and I will be whatever they need me to be for them. Because otherwise, I would be nothing.
Strong, sappy words, but important to me to express, and very very true.
I like the fact that DIVIDE is coming out in October, and at the end of the month to boot. It just reminds me that there is a lot that goes on unseen, and that every moment is connected just as so many of us are connected. If I had to choose between relationships and music, I would always pick a person over a song. But thankfully, I have both in abundance and can enjoy the way they mix and seperate. SATE helped me through last year, and now DIVIDE will help me through the next. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Anyway...onto other things...long entry ahead...
I woke up today and found that Casey had put some of the song clips from DIVIDE up on caseystratton.com. It's weird because although I have heard them before, some of them quite a few times at shows, listening to them effected me to a degree I didn't expect. The last time I saw Casey perform in NYC, I was a few days into the start of a fury of emotions and depression. It was one of the strongest and longest lasting ones I've had since Michael died. I guess right at that point I was coming out of the fog and into reality, and I just wanted to go on pretending that Michael was coming back or that this was all a little vacation. Because deep down, I believed that. Anyway, so at that time I felt so strange in the world, and the world was so strange to me. Everything sharp, corners everywhere, nothing muted and everything a little askew. There has been a lot of change in my life but when M died and I found myself settled here, the last thing I wanted was change. And for awhile everything went along just fine but of course I can't expect myself to stay in the same place, nor expect anyone else to. I turned all of those feelings of helplessness, sorrow, fear (lots of that), and such in on myself and have just kind of been suffering through these past 2 months. I forced myself to think of other things beside M, and forced myself to spice up my listening habits with a little more variety and more superficialities so that I didn't have to feel, and in not feeling- not worry so much about completely losing it.
I started focusing on getting myself together (signing up for the Growing Through Grief course) and talking more with M's parents as well as my own. Then I decided that I could take control of part of my life by doing something I have always wanted to do- lose weight. And this has made me feel great. It's another outlet for me to put my energy into. In fact, I am going to start a weight loss journal on my webpage so I don't completely bore and annoy the fuck out of everyone here.
Anyway, back to what I was originally trying to say. When I listened to parts of DIVIDE today, all that I had tried to hide away came back. That's not a bad thing. Casey's music and M are forever linked in my mind and my heart so it's inevitable. Of course, not all songs make me think of M but a lot of them do, just by the sheer beauty of the music. If Michael could have been reborn as a song, he would definitely be one of Casey's. As I said in the yahoo group, everytime I listen I fall in love all over again. And I am reminded of how much I love the real, live people in my life. I owe my life to a few of these certain people and I will be whatever they need me to be for them. Because otherwise, I would be nothing.
Strong, sappy words, but important to me to express, and very very true.
I like the fact that DIVIDE is coming out in October, and at the end of the month to boot. It just reminds me that there is a lot that goes on unseen, and that every moment is connected just as so many of us are connected. If I had to choose between relationships and music, I would always pick a person over a song. But thankfully, I have both in abundance and can enjoy the way they mix and seperate. SATE helped me through last year, and now DIVIDE will help me through the next. Thank you, thank you, thank you.