will it be easy to need you?
I've been having a rather difficult few days emotionally. I'm all over the place and finding myself irritated frequently. I think that a lot of my grief has risen more to the surface and I had forgotten a little what it was like to have it weigh so heavily on me. I mean, it's always there but usually I manage to submerge a good part of it so I can at least function. I would like nothing more than to just break down and give up, but it goes back to the idea of the plates. I've let myself have a taste at breaking down before and the clean up was always much worse so if anything I have learned in the past few years, I've learned to be very selective about which plates I choose to throw.
Anyway, I decided tonight that I would call my Gram- this being Michael's grandmother. I haven't talked to his family in a few months because it was just proving to be difficult on me despite my extreme love and affection for them. So I called her and we had the most wonderful conversation that I needed so, so much. As time passes you begin to have doubts- knowing they are ridiculous but having them anyway. Well, we talked about Michael and she related to me some things he had said to her- like before the first time I met her and his mother, Michael told Gram that she just had to meet me because he'd never met anyone like me. He thought I was such a wonderful and beautiful person and he couldn't believe that I was with him, he felt that lucky. That made me feel good- even knowing he felt that way it was still something I needed to hear again. And the funny this is, I was the one who felt lucky! Gram also went on to tell me how much Michael was in love with me and how he knew it was the real thing and that we would always be together. Of course, that got both of us crying but that's ok. I'd cry a thousand oceans to sail him home. (thanks, Tori)
So Terri is going to call me Monday morning and I'm going to plan on visiting them Tuesday into Wednesday. The only thing that upsets me is that Gram told me Terri is going to rent out Michael's house once it's finished. They've been working hard at fixing it up for the past year to sell it but she's changed her mind. I understand, but at the same time it upsets me because I had wanted to stay in that house. I feel as though I should be there, not some strangers. Of course, there's no way I could afford it and I need to be here in Lititz for at least another 3 years, but the idea that the house is almost waiting for me is painfully tempting. I just tell myself there's no way I could be sane and stay there...too many memories and ghosts.
Anyway, I decided tonight that I would call my Gram- this being Michael's grandmother. I haven't talked to his family in a few months because it was just proving to be difficult on me despite my extreme love and affection for them. So I called her and we had the most wonderful conversation that I needed so, so much. As time passes you begin to have doubts- knowing they are ridiculous but having them anyway. Well, we talked about Michael and she related to me some things he had said to her- like before the first time I met her and his mother, Michael told Gram that she just had to meet me because he'd never met anyone like me. He thought I was such a wonderful and beautiful person and he couldn't believe that I was with him, he felt that lucky. That made me feel good- even knowing he felt that way it was still something I needed to hear again. And the funny this is, I was the one who felt lucky! Gram also went on to tell me how much Michael was in love with me and how he knew it was the real thing and that we would always be together. Of course, that got both of us crying but that's ok. I'd cry a thousand oceans to sail him home. (thanks, Tori)
So Terri is going to call me Monday morning and I'm going to plan on visiting them Tuesday into Wednesday. The only thing that upsets me is that Gram told me Terri is going to rent out Michael's house once it's finished. They've been working hard at fixing it up for the past year to sell it but she's changed her mind. I understand, but at the same time it upsets me because I had wanted to stay in that house. I feel as though I should be there, not some strangers. Of course, there's no way I could afford it and I need to be here in Lititz for at least another 3 years, but the idea that the house is almost waiting for me is painfully tempting. I just tell myself there's no way I could be sane and stay there...too many memories and ghosts.