...meh...
You know, I'm in a really weird mood tonight. I feel very alone and pre-MAN ish. I feel very much like I did when I was involved with Psycho Josh (PJ). I could actually cry. Unusual. Good thing I still have this thing to write in. Good to know that maybe someone will read, someone will listen.
I suppose it's best for me to get the bad shit out first and then move on to happier things.
Let me say that I'm completely ok with porn. I know and understand that nearly everyone looks at it at one point or another. But something about finding it/ NOT finding it irks me. IE: if my MAN wants to look at porn when I'm not around, that's fine...but please be sure to erase all evidence. And on the other hypocritical hand, I truly dislike logging on to my computer to find everything erased (history, saved passwords, etc). I automatically know something has been erased that I wasn't supposed to see. What if it was more than just porn? Ding ding ding. Here is my major insecurity. It stems from PJ and his obsession with internet girls/ porn/ etc, etc. Finding evidence of porn/ evidence of hiding porn immediately takes me back to my previous relationship and puts me in a terrible suspicious, lonely, inadequate, sad mood. I have complete trust in the MAN, he has never given me even a hint of a reason not to. I just feel transported back in time and I feel like shit. I guess I should just ignore it but being here in the house, alone, all it does is fester.
Now would be the time I wish I had a great friend around to chat with or grab a drink. I've never been the type of girl to surround herself with tons of people. Truthfully, I get annoyed with people very easily and dislike being in large groups. This causes me to cling to one person. But I seem to have lost that one person. Not permanently (hopefully) but this massive distance I feel has been going on since around my birthday in July. And here I am...I would rather cry and pull my hair out alone than to actually confront someone and vocally tell them how I feel. How sad that I am unable to communicate. And so I feel isolated. My best friend seems to be too busy for me. Too busy to try and make plans, too busy to check in, too busy to just chat or do girl things. It appears that I can only belong to something that is already going on...like an afterthought. Being told that you'll be called back or that time will be made for you gets pretty old when it repeatedly turns out to be untrue. It's tiring to feel as if you're the only one making an effort and when that effort becomes unreciprocated for so long, it dwindles off into nothing. And again, here I am. I will admit that I am slightly angry, but more depressed with the fact that I feel unloved, unwanted, and forgotten. I guess people just grow out of you sometimes. Or perhaps you're just old news.
And this is where my heart and soul are on a Saturday evening.
But don't let tonight's mood lead you to believe that this is anything but a fleeting feeling. Other than the above, things are grand.
I did move in with the MAN (and my 2 cats came along as well). We've been living together for about 3 months now and all is well. We don't argue, yell, or even get angry with eachother. My whole porn thing is basically an insecurity that has nothing to do with him. Simply bad baggage from a previous relationship/ nightmare. He truly is amazing and we're disgustingly in love. In fact, I believe that we're so cute together that it's nauseating for others around us. But I eat that shit up. Even with our age difference, I'm constantly amazed at how unique and strong our bond. There isn't one thing I could complain about. He cracks me up, loves and supports me unconditionally, is always on my side, and loves me for every silly, goofy, crazy ounce of me. The fact that we work together doesn't hinder our relationship at all. It makes the day easier to get through knowing that if I have something random on my mind or if I just want to whisper I love you in our secret language, all I have to do is dial his extension.
Work is alright. We've had a lot of change going on and a lot of people have left/ are in the process of leaving. I feel relatively secure in my position right now. I went to Chicago, IL last week for the ISIA (Illinois Self Insurers Association -an industry conference). I, in fact, went by myself. It was a really small conference but I enjoy traveling so I had a pretty good time. Plus, you can't beat ordering overpriced room service food (including a delicious $7 slice of cheesecake) and charging it to the room. But coming home is always a good feeling.
The family is doing well. I worry about my brother a lot due to his employment situation (or lack thereof) and the fact that he barely eats and is extremely skinny. Mom and Dad are good. They just had the entire kitchen redone and it looks great. Dad and I went on a motorcycle ride today. It means the world to him when I go with him on rides. I ride with him more than my Mom does. Today was a poker run to benefit a fellow biker who was in a fatal car accident. You ride around to different bars and at each bar you draw a card and the person with the best hand wins half of the donated money (which they usually give back to the family anyways). It was a nice ride and the weather was beautiful. I tried to look like a tough biker bitch, but it's a little difficult when you look 16 and have your toenails painted hot orange with pink polka dots. Haha, however, there was one woman who thought my DAD and I were husband and wife. Creepy!
Speaking of creepy, Halloween is coming up and I'm thrilled. Trying to narrow down my costume choices but the main theme is zombie (of course!). My darling lover and I, along with some friends/ coworkers, will be attending Halloween Horror Nights in Orlando this year. I'm mega excited about it! Especially since my MAN and I took the next couple of days off work and will probably make a trip to SeaWorld. Nice little getaway in Orlando. Hooray!
Well look, I suppose I've done plenty of rambling and am in a bit of a better mood. I think I hear sudoku calling my name.
+B+
I suppose it's best for me to get the bad shit out first and then move on to happier things.
Let me say that I'm completely ok with porn. I know and understand that nearly everyone looks at it at one point or another. But something about finding it/ NOT finding it irks me. IE: if my MAN wants to look at porn when I'm not around, that's fine...but please be sure to erase all evidence. And on the other hypocritical hand, I truly dislike logging on to my computer to find everything erased (history, saved passwords, etc). I automatically know something has been erased that I wasn't supposed to see. What if it was more than just porn? Ding ding ding. Here is my major insecurity. It stems from PJ and his obsession with internet girls/ porn/ etc, etc. Finding evidence of porn/ evidence of hiding porn immediately takes me back to my previous relationship and puts me in a terrible suspicious, lonely, inadequate, sad mood. I have complete trust in the MAN, he has never given me even a hint of a reason not to. I just feel transported back in time and I feel like shit. I guess I should just ignore it but being here in the house, alone, all it does is fester.
Now would be the time I wish I had a great friend around to chat with or grab a drink. I've never been the type of girl to surround herself with tons of people. Truthfully, I get annoyed with people very easily and dislike being in large groups. This causes me to cling to one person. But I seem to have lost that one person. Not permanently (hopefully) but this massive distance I feel has been going on since around my birthday in July. And here I am...I would rather cry and pull my hair out alone than to actually confront someone and vocally tell them how I feel. How sad that I am unable to communicate. And so I feel isolated. My best friend seems to be too busy for me. Too busy to try and make plans, too busy to check in, too busy to just chat or do girl things. It appears that I can only belong to something that is already going on...like an afterthought. Being told that you'll be called back or that time will be made for you gets pretty old when it repeatedly turns out to be untrue. It's tiring to feel as if you're the only one making an effort and when that effort becomes unreciprocated for so long, it dwindles off into nothing. And again, here I am. I will admit that I am slightly angry, but more depressed with the fact that I feel unloved, unwanted, and forgotten. I guess people just grow out of you sometimes. Or perhaps you're just old news.
And this is where my heart and soul are on a Saturday evening.
But don't let tonight's mood lead you to believe that this is anything but a fleeting feeling. Other than the above, things are grand.
I did move in with the MAN (and my 2 cats came along as well). We've been living together for about 3 months now and all is well. We don't argue, yell, or even get angry with eachother. My whole porn thing is basically an insecurity that has nothing to do with him. Simply bad baggage from a previous relationship/ nightmare. He truly is amazing and we're disgustingly in love. In fact, I believe that we're so cute together that it's nauseating for others around us. But I eat that shit up. Even with our age difference, I'm constantly amazed at how unique and strong our bond. There isn't one thing I could complain about. He cracks me up, loves and supports me unconditionally, is always on my side, and loves me for every silly, goofy, crazy ounce of me. The fact that we work together doesn't hinder our relationship at all. It makes the day easier to get through knowing that if I have something random on my mind or if I just want to whisper I love you in our secret language, all I have to do is dial his extension.
Work is alright. We've had a lot of change going on and a lot of people have left/ are in the process of leaving. I feel relatively secure in my position right now. I went to Chicago, IL last week for the ISIA (Illinois Self Insurers Association -an industry conference). I, in fact, went by myself. It was a really small conference but I enjoy traveling so I had a pretty good time. Plus, you can't beat ordering overpriced room service food (including a delicious $7 slice of cheesecake) and charging it to the room. But coming home is always a good feeling.
The family is doing well. I worry about my brother a lot due to his employment situation (or lack thereof) and the fact that he barely eats and is extremely skinny. Mom and Dad are good. They just had the entire kitchen redone and it looks great. Dad and I went on a motorcycle ride today. It means the world to him when I go with him on rides. I ride with him more than my Mom does. Today was a poker run to benefit a fellow biker who was in a fatal car accident. You ride around to different bars and at each bar you draw a card and the person with the best hand wins half of the donated money (which they usually give back to the family anyways). It was a nice ride and the weather was beautiful. I tried to look like a tough biker bitch, but it's a little difficult when you look 16 and have your toenails painted hot orange with pink polka dots. Haha, however, there was one woman who thought my DAD and I were husband and wife. Creepy!
Speaking of creepy, Halloween is coming up and I'm thrilled. Trying to narrow down my costume choices but the main theme is zombie (of course!). My darling lover and I, along with some friends/ coworkers, will be attending Halloween Horror Nights in Orlando this year. I'm mega excited about it! Especially since my MAN and I took the next couple of days off work and will probably make a trip to SeaWorld. Nice little getaway in Orlando. Hooray!
Well look, I suppose I've done plenty of rambling and am in a bit of a better mood. I think I hear sudoku calling my name.
+B+