Attempting to recover from an addiction.
I am approaching Day 4 of my fast. I feel... calm. Not tranquil. Tranquil seems to have a cheerful connotation, and I'm not cheerful. But I'm calm. I was stuck someplace dark. I didn't know where I was. No walls to feel upon to help me find my way. Just rocky, slimy floor. I screamed, "Help me! Help MEEE!" tears streaming from my eyes, choking on my own spit, hearing my terrified voice echoing back at me. I screamed and screamed until the devastation set in. "Oh God, why?" I sobbed and curled into a ball, ready to die. All I had left was the dripping noises, wetness, chills, and my feet, cramping from clamminess and starvation. It was over. They had all turned against me, and anyone who wasn't against me, they took away from me. Death was upon me.
Then, I saw a light. My eyes burned because I hadn't seen light in so long. And I heard voices. "Lauren, are you in there?" "You're gonna be okay." "We still love you and we're gonna get you out of here."
Yes, somebody still existed. Somebody on my side. I had forgotten I had been so brainwashed. This is what you guys' comments mean to me. Thanks for putting up with the cliche story, but I really felt like that.
Now that I am calm. Here is one of life's most important lessons. I am telling you this because it will benefit you to know it as well.
We all have our morals and values. When you think of morals and values, their exact meanings are quite vague. Well I believe these things to be rules that you create for yourself that you follow no matter what. And from experience, if you do not follow these rules or even set these rules to begin with, you WILL lose yourself. And this is why. Morals and values go beyond personality. Everyone's nice, funny, smart, strong, honest, what have you. We all feel the same, and go through the same experiences. Sometimes we let face and voice combine with these common personality traits and let us think that someone is unique. But really, the only things that set us apart from being typical, predictable, homosapiens are our morals and values. And even these things aren't always unique because often times we develop these through others whose opinions we think highly of. But there comes a time in your life where you create your own. Especially when these people turn on you. This is how you create yourself. Remember to take some time and really think about what is right and wrong and why. Focus on yourself so you know who you are. And give yourself rules to live by. And always, always, follow them. And if you make the mistake of not following these rules you will thank yourself for making them, because if you hadn't, you would have never known who you were originally and then you'd really be screwed because if you never knew who you were how are you gonna be able to find yourself again?
Anyway, a value that I created for myself years ago I completely betrayed and it cost me. My life will NEVER, EVER, be the same again. And it kills me. This value actually started unintentionally and then I loved it so much that I made it a rule to live by. I once heard that you are a combination of the six people you spend the most of your time with. And I thought about that real long and hard and came to the conclusion that I agree with it. And I didn't like that. I wanted to be myself. So again I thought long and hard about ways to counteract this effect. How could I be sure that my thoughts were my own? My solution is this: Keep your friends diverse. And I don't mean ethnically, although that is helpful. But I mean, completely opposite of each other. And spend as much time as possible with people you don't know as well. The more and different people you spend your time with, the less likely they are going to have a say in how you become as a human being. You will see all situations, all points of views, and they will all make sense to you. This value was very important to me, and I betrayed this value and put almost all of my eggs into one basket. And what was I thinking? All baskets break someday.
Yes, the healing process is beginning, and it is slow and painful as new wounds are appearing each day. Devastation is the worst feeling in the world. It is the realization that something god-awful can never be changed. And this is the price I pay for betraying my morals.
Then, I saw a light. My eyes burned because I hadn't seen light in so long. And I heard voices. "Lauren, are you in there?" "You're gonna be okay." "We still love you and we're gonna get you out of here."
Yes, somebody still existed. Somebody on my side. I had forgotten I had been so brainwashed. This is what you guys' comments mean to me. Thanks for putting up with the cliche story, but I really felt like that.
Now that I am calm. Here is one of life's most important lessons. I am telling you this because it will benefit you to know it as well.
We all have our morals and values. When you think of morals and values, their exact meanings are quite vague. Well I believe these things to be rules that you create for yourself that you follow no matter what. And from experience, if you do not follow these rules or even set these rules to begin with, you WILL lose yourself. And this is why. Morals and values go beyond personality. Everyone's nice, funny, smart, strong, honest, what have you. We all feel the same, and go through the same experiences. Sometimes we let face and voice combine with these common personality traits and let us think that someone is unique. But really, the only things that set us apart from being typical, predictable, homosapiens are our morals and values. And even these things aren't always unique because often times we develop these through others whose opinions we think highly of. But there comes a time in your life where you create your own. Especially when these people turn on you. This is how you create yourself. Remember to take some time and really think about what is right and wrong and why. Focus on yourself so you know who you are. And give yourself rules to live by. And always, always, follow them. And if you make the mistake of not following these rules you will thank yourself for making them, because if you hadn't, you would have never known who you were originally and then you'd really be screwed because if you never knew who you were how are you gonna be able to find yourself again?
Anyway, a value that I created for myself years ago I completely betrayed and it cost me. My life will NEVER, EVER, be the same again. And it kills me. This value actually started unintentionally and then I loved it so much that I made it a rule to live by. I once heard that you are a combination of the six people you spend the most of your time with. And I thought about that real long and hard and came to the conclusion that I agree with it. And I didn't like that. I wanted to be myself. So again I thought long and hard about ways to counteract this effect. How could I be sure that my thoughts were my own? My solution is this: Keep your friends diverse. And I don't mean ethnically, although that is helpful. But I mean, completely opposite of each other. And spend as much time as possible with people you don't know as well. The more and different people you spend your time with, the less likely they are going to have a say in how you become as a human being. You will see all situations, all points of views, and they will all make sense to you. This value was very important to me, and I betrayed this value and put almost all of my eggs into one basket. And what was I thinking? All baskets break someday.
Yes, the healing process is beginning, and it is slow and painful as new wounds are appearing each day. Devastation is the worst feeling in the world. It is the realization that something god-awful can never be changed. And this is the price I pay for betraying my morals.