a calm frustration
i am frustrated. at myself. for these things, tiny things, that i allow to overwhelm my demeanor. i know, if you know me, this is very much a reflection of everything i do. and that...adds to my frustration. rhys and i had a very long talk just the other night. gathered in a damp dive bar, chain smoking, and discussing. over animated, as always, i flailed my hands as he flicked his wrist (our nonverbal way of communicating) about my need to be selfish. "not necessarily self-centered," i explained. "you know, just a separation of time for myself away from everything else." it's bazaar how life catches you, entangles you in this web of unnecessary bullshit (i.e. gossip, drama, social scenes, social norms). i felt like these sticky little strands of aforementioned moments were consuming me. taking them home everyday, it seemed as if it had become the only thing i had to offer in conversation. i begin to pull apart the conversation rhys and i shared, start deciphering, and then applying. i am socially aware. i am the kind of person who needs to know, i don't have to share what i know...i just need to know it. and as of late, i have found myself wanting more to be blissfully unaware than in the loop. and even the things i do discover, i let them filter in one ear and forever out the other. i am done with playing with spiders, the thrill is gone...and the risk losing myself in a web is no longer worth it.
i am reaching a new level of self. i cannot explain whether it is age related, or environmentally related. but i feel a desire to better who i am becoming now stronger than ever. to overcome these trivial tangles and offer more of myself to those around me. for the first time, ever in my life...i feel the need to stick to the things i have started. whether it be a place of employment, a home project, a book, or our company; it's this need to complete. now, i can admit that it started with a bang, and i was a bit manic and unrealistic. however, i have slowed my pace enjoy taking my time in the process. it feels different. believe it or not, high school is the only thing i have ever completed, and it was not willingly. even though i did graduate with honors and president of the national art honor society...ask my parents...i tried to get out many times. i have quit community college, three serious hobbies, cosmetology school, and about fourteen jobs. the only thing i haven't managed to quit is smoking...which is the one thing i want to quit. irony. even though, frustrated i have started to calm myself. even though this is a journey, as rhys reminded me, "you can't take each step saying 'i'm on a journey.' you have to just go with it and forget that its a process."
i am reaching a new level of self. i cannot explain whether it is age related, or environmentally related. but i feel a desire to better who i am becoming now stronger than ever. to overcome these trivial tangles and offer more of myself to those around me. for the first time, ever in my life...i feel the need to stick to the things i have started. whether it be a place of employment, a home project, a book, or our company; it's this need to complete. now, i can admit that it started with a bang, and i was a bit manic and unrealistic. however, i have slowed my pace enjoy taking my time in the process. it feels different. believe it or not, high school is the only thing i have ever completed, and it was not willingly. even though i did graduate with honors and president of the national art honor society...ask my parents...i tried to get out many times. i have quit community college, three serious hobbies, cosmetology school, and about fourteen jobs. the only thing i haven't managed to quit is smoking...which is the one thing i want to quit. irony. even though, frustrated i have started to calm myself. even though this is a journey, as rhys reminded me, "you can't take each step saying 'i'm on a journey.' you have to just go with it and forget that its a process."