A lengthy, detailed survey...
One of my friends from elementary and middle school, Danielle Cole (anyone remember her?) just posted this survey to her Myspace. It seemed pretty original and as I'm not in the mood for bed, I figured I'd fill it out. A lot of my answers are pretty detailed.
Life
If you could change one thing about your past, without it changing every other aspect of your life, what would it be?
---I think I'd try to approach my initial outbreak of anxiety with all that I know now about the condition. The first time it happens is always so scary because you have no idea what's going on with your mind or your body; had I known what it was right off the bat, maybe it wouldn't be as present in my daily life today? It's all speculation, but everything I've ever read about anxiety says that the number one cause of anxiety attacks is the ever-present fear of, well, having another anxiety attack. Because you think to yourself, "If it happened once, it can happen again." And you're always looking out for it, almost expecting it. And the second you feel slightly off, you wonder if another one is coming. It's definitely a cycle, and cycles are always hard to beat. Anyway.
Are you happy with where you are in life, at this time?
---Most immediately, yes. I wish I was better with the driving, but other than that, I have a job, I'm making my own money and paying for a lot of my own things, and I'm able to keep the house in order and take care of a sick animal while my parents are hundreds of miles away. I'm pretty proud of that.
If you could travel anywhere in the world, without cost being a deciding factor, where would you go?
--- Oh God, Europe all the way. I'd start over in the UK (probably spending most of my time in or around London), hit up the beautiful Emerald Isle for a couple of weeks, and then make my way through France and spend weeks combing every inch of Italy. I'd end in Germany; there's a lot there I'd like to see.
Do you get along better with the same sex, or the opposite sex?
---I tend to get along better with women, not in the sense that I don't get along with men, but rather because I feel that my emotional bonds are generally deeper with women. There are a few men who are exceptions to the rule, but almost always I connect better with women.
Are you the type of person who prefers one or two close friends, or lots of acquaintances?
-- Close friends, without a doubt. There are a decent number of people I'm friendly with, but not very many people whom I'd consider close friends. I don't believe in having only one close friend, though. I have different friends who fulfill different parts of me.
Are you still friends with anyone you went to school with?
-- Yeah, though the only person I talk to on a regular basis is Steph. My other friends, while we were very close in high school, are now much more casual. We hang out during the summer sometimes and will possibly communicate once or twice during the school year, but that's about it.
Are you a home body, or a social butterfly?
-- I think I'm generally a home-body, but I do like going out with friends. I don't mind sitting home and hanging out, but I also don't mind when my friend are like, "Hey, let's go to Borders!" A change of scenery is always nice. In fact, the older I get, the more I realize that sitting home for long periods of time makes me jittery and slightly depressed.
What do you enjoy doing on the weekends?
-- During the summer, weekends mean no work, so that small break is nice for extra sleep and consequence-free late-night gaming sessions. Now that Steph's here we can go out more. During the school year, weekends mean sleeping later but otherwise being pretty much like weekdays. My college friends tend to go out just as much on weeknights.
If you and one friend were asked to be on a reality TV show, who would you take with you?
-- Shifty. Most of my "holy-shit-did-that-just-happen" moments occur when we're cruising in her car with our jamz blaring.
Beer, wine or liquor?
-- I like all of them!
Love
What is your relationship status?
-- Officially non-existent. But here's to hoping!
Are you happy with your current relationship (or lack thereof)?
-- No, not at all. I want a lot more.
What is your idea of a perfect date?
-- Well, I'm going to answer this question based on my actual real-life experiences and not based on what I think the hypothetical perfect date would be. Because, I've found that my hypothetical situations aren't actually perfect because they can't happen in my present state, hence if they WERE to happen it would be weird and unnatural. Anyway, at this point in my life, taking into account my previous dating experience, my idea of a perfect date would be spontaneous but simple. A year or two ago I would have gone on about romance and rose petals on satin sheets, but now I think more along the lines of genuine fun, mutually shared experiences, and then an expression of physical affection. For example: We could just be sitting around, and my girlfriend would say something like, "Hey, let's go to Borders." And we'd go, and look at the books and then get into a discussion about something. We'd be very absorbed. Then we'd be feeling very attached to each other after the intellectual bonding, and we'd go home and maybe have a couple of drinks, goof off, and maybe do something simple and fun like play videogames or just hang out. Eventually we'd retire and have sex, and it would be affectionate because we'd spent much of the night connecting emotionally and intellectually. However, if I had to go with the hypothetical situation, I'd say that the perfect "date" would be her declaring that she was completely enamored with me and that I was the most special person ever, etc., and she wanted to express her love by means of her tongue on my bits. Score!
What's your idea of the perfect romantic getaway?
-- I've thought about this many times and I keep going back, again and again, to Ireland. If I had a girlfriend and wanted to take her somewhere special that would be adventurous as well as romantic, I don't think I could do any better than Ireland. Even the historical parts of the place would be fun, and damn would it be fun to have passionate sex in a castle, or in that thick, cool mist they've got.
If you could have a date with any celebrity, who would it be and what would you do?
-- I dunno. Maybe Kate Moennig or Mariska Hargitay. They're both sexy, powerful ladies. Ooh, or Lucy Lawless or Renee O'Connor! Ideally they'd take me on the sets of their TV shows!
Do you think you can love someone, without trusting them?
-- Yeah. I think you have to trust the person in at least *some* respects, but it's definitely not impossible to love even while having some reservations about them. This doesn't necessarily mean thinking they would cheat or run off with your money and being okay with that; I mean only that it's possible to love someone while still understanding and accepting that, yes, even if they care for you, they're still very capable of hurting you, as you are capable of hurting them.
Do you believe it is possible to be in love with someone you've never actually spent time with?
-- Nope. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this too, and I've decided, quite firmly, that I'm only willing to declare something "love" if you've spent a significant amount of time getting to know a person. If you have genuinely grown to know someone after being around them for months, if not a year or two, and still like what you see and still want to protect, support, and enjoy them, then I'm willing to classify that feeling as love. Anything less than that may feel almost exactly like "love," but even if the emotional experience is identical, I would be unwilling to use the term "love" if there hasn't been an adequate amount of time spent getting to know who and what you're loving.
Do you believe in soul mates?
-- Not really. At least, this is what my head says, but the way I behave would indicate that this isn't necessarily true. It's a lot like my belief in God. If you asked me whether or not I believed in God, intellectually I'd have to say no. However, if I had to answer the question based on how I feel, I might have to confess to beliving in a Higher Power. Sometimes I converse with It in my mind; I don't think I'd do that if I were absolutely positive It didn't exist.
If you do believe in soul mates, have you found yours?
-- Don't know. Even if I were to believe in soulmates, I'd say it was entirely possible that you DON'T end up with them. They may exist out there, somewhere, perhaps even fairly close to you, but that doesn't mean it will work out. There are a lot of things that should happen (and by "should," I mean that they would be both awesome and beneficial), but don't. Shit goes wrong all the time, so I wouldn't be surprised if It made things so that people had pairs, but those pairs were prevented from coming together.
Which is more intimate, in your opinion... Cuddling or Intercourse?
-- For me at this point in my life, intercourse. And I say this because it's not really something I've done, and the reason is because I'm waiting to do it with someone whom I love very much, someone with whom it will be an expression of our deep emotional, intellectual, and physical bonds. After I've given myself to this individual, and after (or IF) that relationship ends, I think many, or at least a fair number of my subsequent sexual experiences will be less meaningful, but I'll probably have grown to accept and enjoy them still.
If your partner was unable to have sex due to illness or injury, would you stay with them?
-- Yeah, I'm pretty sure I would. It helps that I'm not the world's most sexual person. I think I only think about sex so much at this point in time because I haven't done much and I'm very curious to do it, and it's been bubbling up within me for years. Once I've done it enough and it's become familiar, I don't think it'll be a very pressing issue to me. If my lover was unable to have sex, I would certainly not leave them.
Career
Are you happy with your current career/job?
-- It's only a summer job, but I really do like it. I'm a camp counselor for kids 5-13, and it's one of the most exciting jobs anyone could have. It's kind of fulfilling, too. I'm not the world's biggest fan of kids, but getting to know some of them and seeing what extraordinary individuals they are, and having those shining moments when you inspire them with good ideas, is really, really great.
If not, what would you rather be doing?
-- I don't know. I'm pretty sure I want to work with young people in some capacity; whether it's teaching high school or maybe working in some way with elementary-aged kids, I still don't know. As long as I can be a service to them in some way -- even if I only reach half a dozen of them a year -- I think I'd be pretty fulfilled. A life is a life. Making one life better is in no way beneath being able to reach thousands at a time. I mean, your life is just that: one life. Wouldn't that be significant enough? I know that if one person could say or do something that would eradicate (or greatly diminish) my self-doubt or anxiety, I would be eternally grateful. If I could help even just a couple of kids, if they somehow have a better life because of it, that really is enough for me.
Which is more important, your career, or your family (assuming you are married with children)?
-- I have neither. =P
If you answered family to the above question, would your family agree that they are most important?
-- My family would say that family is most important, but career is also extremely important because it's the way you make money to keep your family well-cared-for. In fact, if you're neglecting your career, you can be said to be neglecting your family.
How many hours a week do you work, on average?
-- 7.5 hrs x 5 days a week is 37.5 hours, but with the addition of extra hours on field trip days and staying late to clean, it's actually more like 39 hours a week.
Did you choose your current career path for money or enjoyment?
-- Like I said, what I'm doing now isn't actually my official career. I initially chose it because it paid well, but ended up loving it because working with kids is exciting and fulfilling -- not to mention exhausting!
If you could have ANY job, what would your top three career choices be?
-- Awe-inspiring professor, cultural commentator, or speech-writer. In no particular order.
What's your biggest strength, when it comes to your job?
-- I don't take bullshit. That doesn't win me many fans with the kids, and I've certainly been called mean, but in the end I have far better control of "problem children" than a lot of the other counselors do. I also give mature kids lots of privileges and the utmost respect, so the kids who do love me are those kids. But disrespectful little hooligans know exactly where they stand with me. Anyone who's determined to have a bad attitude with me will find themselves repaid in kind. I look at it less as vengeance and more as a life lesson: respect is earned, not given freely.
Your biggest weakness, or flaw?
-- Oh, I could definitely stand to be more constructive at times. I tend to give up on "problem children" very easily. If I have consistent bad encounters with a kid, after about the first three or four times I basically assume that nothing will ever change and that I'm always going to be heavy-handed with them. I definitely play favorites and can be quick to judge. But that's a problem I have generally, not just with kids.
Do you take pride in your work, or just hurry through it as quickly as you can?
-- I try to take pride in it. As the summer wears on I definitely slack more, but the kids' safety is always paramount to me, and I *never* slack with that. Whether or not the kids like me is less of an issue than whether or not they're safe with me. I have a reputation amongst most counselors as being safe and responsible, and that means a lot to me.
---------------------------
In other news, I'm having a slight WoW itch. I want to re-make Yersinia, the blond belf pally, on Thorium Brotherhood. Also, I finally bought a copy of the Book of Mormon tonight and have eagerly started reading it. I don't know why I've been so completely engrossed by the study of Mormonism lately, but damn, I love it. I can't get enough LDS! I should change my thesis to, um, something about how Saint Januarius relates to Joseph Smith.
Oh, my thesis. Thinking about it gives me lots of angst. I should start researching. For serious. I will, I swear.
But now, I'm going to read more of 1 Nephi.
Life
If you could change one thing about your past, without it changing every other aspect of your life, what would it be?
---I think I'd try to approach my initial outbreak of anxiety with all that I know now about the condition. The first time it happens is always so scary because you have no idea what's going on with your mind or your body; had I known what it was right off the bat, maybe it wouldn't be as present in my daily life today? It's all speculation, but everything I've ever read about anxiety says that the number one cause of anxiety attacks is the ever-present fear of, well, having another anxiety attack. Because you think to yourself, "If it happened once, it can happen again." And you're always looking out for it, almost expecting it. And the second you feel slightly off, you wonder if another one is coming. It's definitely a cycle, and cycles are always hard to beat. Anyway.
Are you happy with where you are in life, at this time?
---Most immediately, yes. I wish I was better with the driving, but other than that, I have a job, I'm making my own money and paying for a lot of my own things, and I'm able to keep the house in order and take care of a sick animal while my parents are hundreds of miles away. I'm pretty proud of that.
If you could travel anywhere in the world, without cost being a deciding factor, where would you go?
--- Oh God, Europe all the way. I'd start over in the UK (probably spending most of my time in or around London), hit up the beautiful Emerald Isle for a couple of weeks, and then make my way through France and spend weeks combing every inch of Italy. I'd end in Germany; there's a lot there I'd like to see.
Do you get along better with the same sex, or the opposite sex?
---I tend to get along better with women, not in the sense that I don't get along with men, but rather because I feel that my emotional bonds are generally deeper with women. There are a few men who are exceptions to the rule, but almost always I connect better with women.
Are you the type of person who prefers one or two close friends, or lots of acquaintances?
-- Close friends, without a doubt. There are a decent number of people I'm friendly with, but not very many people whom I'd consider close friends. I don't believe in having only one close friend, though. I have different friends who fulfill different parts of me.
Are you still friends with anyone you went to school with?
-- Yeah, though the only person I talk to on a regular basis is Steph. My other friends, while we were very close in high school, are now much more casual. We hang out during the summer sometimes and will possibly communicate once or twice during the school year, but that's about it.
Are you a home body, or a social butterfly?
-- I think I'm generally a home-body, but I do like going out with friends. I don't mind sitting home and hanging out, but I also don't mind when my friend are like, "Hey, let's go to Borders!" A change of scenery is always nice. In fact, the older I get, the more I realize that sitting home for long periods of time makes me jittery and slightly depressed.
What do you enjoy doing on the weekends?
-- During the summer, weekends mean no work, so that small break is nice for extra sleep and consequence-free late-night gaming sessions. Now that Steph's here we can go out more. During the school year, weekends mean sleeping later but otherwise being pretty much like weekdays. My college friends tend to go out just as much on weeknights.
If you and one friend were asked to be on a reality TV show, who would you take with you?
-- Shifty. Most of my "holy-shit-did-that-just-happen" moments occur when we're cruising in her car with our jamz blaring.
Beer, wine or liquor?
-- I like all of them!
Love
What is your relationship status?
-- Officially non-existent. But here's to hoping!
Are you happy with your current relationship (or lack thereof)?
-- No, not at all. I want a lot more.
What is your idea of a perfect date?
-- Well, I'm going to answer this question based on my actual real-life experiences and not based on what I think the hypothetical perfect date would be. Because, I've found that my hypothetical situations aren't actually perfect because they can't happen in my present state, hence if they WERE to happen it would be weird and unnatural. Anyway, at this point in my life, taking into account my previous dating experience, my idea of a perfect date would be spontaneous but simple. A year or two ago I would have gone on about romance and rose petals on satin sheets, but now I think more along the lines of genuine fun, mutually shared experiences, and then an expression of physical affection. For example: We could just be sitting around, and my girlfriend would say something like, "Hey, let's go to Borders." And we'd go, and look at the books and then get into a discussion about something. We'd be very absorbed. Then we'd be feeling very attached to each other after the intellectual bonding, and we'd go home and maybe have a couple of drinks, goof off, and maybe do something simple and fun like play videogames or just hang out. Eventually we'd retire and have sex, and it would be affectionate because we'd spent much of the night connecting emotionally and intellectually. However, if I had to go with the hypothetical situation, I'd say that the perfect "date" would be her declaring that she was completely enamored with me and that I was the most special person ever, etc., and she wanted to express her love by means of her tongue on my bits. Score!
What's your idea of the perfect romantic getaway?
-- I've thought about this many times and I keep going back, again and again, to Ireland. If I had a girlfriend and wanted to take her somewhere special that would be adventurous as well as romantic, I don't think I could do any better than Ireland. Even the historical parts of the place would be fun, and damn would it be fun to have passionate sex in a castle, or in that thick, cool mist they've got.
If you could have a date with any celebrity, who would it be and what would you do?
-- I dunno. Maybe Kate Moennig or Mariska Hargitay. They're both sexy, powerful ladies. Ooh, or Lucy Lawless or Renee O'Connor! Ideally they'd take me on the sets of their TV shows!
Do you think you can love someone, without trusting them?
-- Yeah. I think you have to trust the person in at least *some* respects, but it's definitely not impossible to love even while having some reservations about them. This doesn't necessarily mean thinking they would cheat or run off with your money and being okay with that; I mean only that it's possible to love someone while still understanding and accepting that, yes, even if they care for you, they're still very capable of hurting you, as you are capable of hurting them.
Do you believe it is possible to be in love with someone you've never actually spent time with?
-- Nope. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this too, and I've decided, quite firmly, that I'm only willing to declare something "love" if you've spent a significant amount of time getting to know a person. If you have genuinely grown to know someone after being around them for months, if not a year or two, and still like what you see and still want to protect, support, and enjoy them, then I'm willing to classify that feeling as love. Anything less than that may feel almost exactly like "love," but even if the emotional experience is identical, I would be unwilling to use the term "love" if there hasn't been an adequate amount of time spent getting to know who and what you're loving.
Do you believe in soul mates?
-- Not really. At least, this is what my head says, but the way I behave would indicate that this isn't necessarily true. It's a lot like my belief in God. If you asked me whether or not I believed in God, intellectually I'd have to say no. However, if I had to answer the question based on how I feel, I might have to confess to beliving in a Higher Power. Sometimes I converse with It in my mind; I don't think I'd do that if I were absolutely positive It didn't exist.
If you do believe in soul mates, have you found yours?
-- Don't know. Even if I were to believe in soulmates, I'd say it was entirely possible that you DON'T end up with them. They may exist out there, somewhere, perhaps even fairly close to you, but that doesn't mean it will work out. There are a lot of things that should happen (and by "should," I mean that they would be both awesome and beneficial), but don't. Shit goes wrong all the time, so I wouldn't be surprised if It made things so that people had pairs, but those pairs were prevented from coming together.
Which is more intimate, in your opinion... Cuddling or Intercourse?
-- For me at this point in my life, intercourse. And I say this because it's not really something I've done, and the reason is because I'm waiting to do it with someone whom I love very much, someone with whom it will be an expression of our deep emotional, intellectual, and physical bonds. After I've given myself to this individual, and after (or IF) that relationship ends, I think many, or at least a fair number of my subsequent sexual experiences will be less meaningful, but I'll probably have grown to accept and enjoy them still.
If your partner was unable to have sex due to illness or injury, would you stay with them?
-- Yeah, I'm pretty sure I would. It helps that I'm not the world's most sexual person. I think I only think about sex so much at this point in time because I haven't done much and I'm very curious to do it, and it's been bubbling up within me for years. Once I've done it enough and it's become familiar, I don't think it'll be a very pressing issue to me. If my lover was unable to have sex, I would certainly not leave them.
Career
Are you happy with your current career/job?
-- It's only a summer job, but I really do like it. I'm a camp counselor for kids 5-13, and it's one of the most exciting jobs anyone could have. It's kind of fulfilling, too. I'm not the world's biggest fan of kids, but getting to know some of them and seeing what extraordinary individuals they are, and having those shining moments when you inspire them with good ideas, is really, really great.
If not, what would you rather be doing?
-- I don't know. I'm pretty sure I want to work with young people in some capacity; whether it's teaching high school or maybe working in some way with elementary-aged kids, I still don't know. As long as I can be a service to them in some way -- even if I only reach half a dozen of them a year -- I think I'd be pretty fulfilled. A life is a life. Making one life better is in no way beneath being able to reach thousands at a time. I mean, your life is just that: one life. Wouldn't that be significant enough? I know that if one person could say or do something that would eradicate (or greatly diminish) my self-doubt or anxiety, I would be eternally grateful. If I could help even just a couple of kids, if they somehow have a better life because of it, that really is enough for me.
Which is more important, your career, or your family (assuming you are married with children)?
-- I have neither. =P
If you answered family to the above question, would your family agree that they are most important?
-- My family would say that family is most important, but career is also extremely important because it's the way you make money to keep your family well-cared-for. In fact, if you're neglecting your career, you can be said to be neglecting your family.
How many hours a week do you work, on average?
-- 7.5 hrs x 5 days a week is 37.5 hours, but with the addition of extra hours on field trip days and staying late to clean, it's actually more like 39 hours a week.
Did you choose your current career path for money or enjoyment?
-- Like I said, what I'm doing now isn't actually my official career. I initially chose it because it paid well, but ended up loving it because working with kids is exciting and fulfilling -- not to mention exhausting!
If you could have ANY job, what would your top three career choices be?
-- Awe-inspiring professor, cultural commentator, or speech-writer. In no particular order.
What's your biggest strength, when it comes to your job?
-- I don't take bullshit. That doesn't win me many fans with the kids, and I've certainly been called mean, but in the end I have far better control of "problem children" than a lot of the other counselors do. I also give mature kids lots of privileges and the utmost respect, so the kids who do love me are those kids. But disrespectful little hooligans know exactly where they stand with me. Anyone who's determined to have a bad attitude with me will find themselves repaid in kind. I look at it less as vengeance and more as a life lesson: respect is earned, not given freely.
Your biggest weakness, or flaw?
-- Oh, I could definitely stand to be more constructive at times. I tend to give up on "problem children" very easily. If I have consistent bad encounters with a kid, after about the first three or four times I basically assume that nothing will ever change and that I'm always going to be heavy-handed with them. I definitely play favorites and can be quick to judge. But that's a problem I have generally, not just with kids.
Do you take pride in your work, or just hurry through it as quickly as you can?
-- I try to take pride in it. As the summer wears on I definitely slack more, but the kids' safety is always paramount to me, and I *never* slack with that. Whether or not the kids like me is less of an issue than whether or not they're safe with me. I have a reputation amongst most counselors as being safe and responsible, and that means a lot to me.
---------------------------
In other news, I'm having a slight WoW itch. I want to re-make Yersinia, the blond belf pally, on Thorium Brotherhood. Also, I finally bought a copy of the Book of Mormon tonight and have eagerly started reading it. I don't know why I've been so completely engrossed by the study of Mormonism lately, but damn, I love it. I can't get enough LDS! I should change my thesis to, um, something about how Saint Januarius relates to Joseph Smith.
Oh, my thesis. Thinking about it gives me lots of angst. I should start researching. For serious. I will, I swear.
But now, I'm going to read more of 1 Nephi.