Give me a neck to snap.
I'm so done with this year. I just want to go home. I'd give anything to fast-forward a month to the end of the semester. I'm in one of those moods right now where I can't stand school, academia, or just about everyone and anything. My body is falling apart and I don't know why. My stomach, my back, my generally aching body -- everything has conspired to sap nearly all the joy from daily existence. At least when I cried earlier, they were tears of anger and frustration rather than panic. I feel trapped and without options. I've been pacing around my room like a caged animal, and the only thing keeping me from putting my fist through a wall is the fact that it'll be just another thing that hurts. And I'm not kidding-- I really do want to hit something.
The nurse said today that there was nothing more she could do for me and I'd have to see a doctor. I told her, probably for the dozenth time, that I can't see a doctor up here because I don't have insurance. Upon hearing that I think I'm finding blood in my stool, her answer: "Go to the ER."
I AM FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF THE ER.
So I called my mother and asked what I should do. She seemed incredibly annoyed. She gave me the number of our insurance company and told me to figure it out myself. I spent the next 30 minutes being on hold, re-directed, and told one thing and then another. They had me call a different number and those people in turn told me to call the place I'd just called. No one knew what anyone else was talking about. Long story short, finally someone told me: "Go to the ER. Emergencies are always covered." I told my mother this. She was, again, annoyed. She said there would be a lot of paperwork on her part if I went to the ER. "Fine," I said. "It's so little blood, I'm not even sure it *is* blood. I can wait a month."
Part of me wasn't kidding. I don't want to go to the ER. I hate the ER and have been there enough and don't want to go back if I can avoid it. And what are they going to do? I can't just walk in and tell them I want diagnostic tests run; I'd need a referral from a doctor. "Hi, I'd like an ultrasound and an upper GI, please." Um, not really. No, first they're going to want to do urine and blood work, which means TWO visits to the ER because I highly doubt they'll be able to tell what's wrong with my stomach/intestines/whatever from blood work. (I mean, if they could, angels would sing, but I'm not going to hold my breath.) And I sure as hell can't be making TWO visits to the ER.
To top it off, my sour mood isn't helping the paper-writing any, and I don't even feel like I have the patience right now to try Suetonius. I have no idea how I'm going to get any of the Black Death reading done, which is absolutely killing me because I promised her I'd read. I didn't want to promise because I know the way I am, but had I refused the entire class wouldn't have gotten the extension. So now I feel frustrated, trapped, AND guilty. What a combination. I have the beginnings of an intro and a page worth of notes and outlining. My structure is going to be fairly simple, but I think the paper will prove its point. Now I just have to write it. God.
If I have to sit around in pain, I'd rather be sitting at home. At least there I can get all the care I need and have lots of time for WoW. Come on, self: just one more month...
You know what's keeping me going right now? Two things. First of all, what Gennevrah's going to look like by the end of the summer, and what she'll be riding (note that they match):
and
Second, lyrics from Jay-Z's feature in Kanye West's Diamonds From Sierra Leone:
How could you falter
When you're the Rock of Gibralter?
I had to get off the boat,
So I could walk on water
This ain't no tall order,
This is nothing to me
Difficult takes a day,
Impossible takes a week.
And with that in mind, I am somehow going to force myself to work on this godfuckingawful draft.
The nurse said today that there was nothing more she could do for me and I'd have to see a doctor. I told her, probably for the dozenth time, that I can't see a doctor up here because I don't have insurance. Upon hearing that I think I'm finding blood in my stool, her answer: "Go to the ER."
I AM FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF THE ER.
So I called my mother and asked what I should do. She seemed incredibly annoyed. She gave me the number of our insurance company and told me to figure it out myself. I spent the next 30 minutes being on hold, re-directed, and told one thing and then another. They had me call a different number and those people in turn told me to call the place I'd just called. No one knew what anyone else was talking about. Long story short, finally someone told me: "Go to the ER. Emergencies are always covered." I told my mother this. She was, again, annoyed. She said there would be a lot of paperwork on her part if I went to the ER. "Fine," I said. "It's so little blood, I'm not even sure it *is* blood. I can wait a month."
Part of me wasn't kidding. I don't want to go to the ER. I hate the ER and have been there enough and don't want to go back if I can avoid it. And what are they going to do? I can't just walk in and tell them I want diagnostic tests run; I'd need a referral from a doctor. "Hi, I'd like an ultrasound and an upper GI, please." Um, not really. No, first they're going to want to do urine and blood work, which means TWO visits to the ER because I highly doubt they'll be able to tell what's wrong with my stomach/intestines/whatever from blood work. (I mean, if they could, angels would sing, but I'm not going to hold my breath.) And I sure as hell can't be making TWO visits to the ER.
To top it off, my sour mood isn't helping the paper-writing any, and I don't even feel like I have the patience right now to try Suetonius. I have no idea how I'm going to get any of the Black Death reading done, which is absolutely killing me because I promised her I'd read. I didn't want to promise because I know the way I am, but had I refused the entire class wouldn't have gotten the extension. So now I feel frustrated, trapped, AND guilty. What a combination. I have the beginnings of an intro and a page worth of notes and outlining. My structure is going to be fairly simple, but I think the paper will prove its point. Now I just have to write it. God.
If I have to sit around in pain, I'd rather be sitting at home. At least there I can get all the care I need and have lots of time for WoW. Come on, self: just one more month...
You know what's keeping me going right now? Two things. First of all, what Gennevrah's going to look like by the end of the summer, and what she'll be riding (note that they match):
and
Second, lyrics from Jay-Z's feature in Kanye West's Diamonds From Sierra Leone:
How could you falter
When you're the Rock of Gibralter?
I had to get off the boat,
So I could walk on water
This ain't no tall order,
This is nothing to me
Difficult takes a day,
Impossible takes a week.
And with that in mind, I am somehow going to force myself to work on this godfuckingawful draft.