On my life

Feb 04, 2009 02:29

I apologize here if I’ve seemed snappy or upset over the past few days. And here I thought I was doing so well. For once, though, it’s RL drama happening. That’s what this rant is about. Don’t read it if you’re not interested, ‘kay?


Yesterday evening I came back to the room kind of late after Anime Club. Roommate A and her two classmates were at the table doing a homework project, with roommate B on the couch doing other homework. I came in, said hi to the table, chatted a little with roommate B about her day and stuff, and then went into my room to get online. Like 15 minutes later I hear a knock on the door, so I go to get it. Here it’s just the friends coming back - they went into the hall to get a coke from the machine, and we have code-lock doors, so they were locked out. I made some joke about how someday I want real visitors, and the friends laughed.

Then roommate B goes “Get out of this room.” I was like “…What?” Because the only reason I think I’ve ever been told to leave the room is for being in trouble or it being some kind of private conversation. Knowing it wasn’t the former, my mind instantly jumped to it being that there was some kind of important discussion going on, so I turned to go, kind of getting ready to say “okay whatever.” But B keeps going with “If you’re not going to be in here doing homework, find somewhere else to be.” In a tone of voice that said to me, “I think you’re a distraction, go away.”

I did not go into the living room with anything close to the intention of distracting anyone from their homework. I just went to answer the door, and had vague thoughts of getting a glass of water. What I did then was say “Sorry” and go back into my room. To cry. In my defense, I recognize that I was being overly emotional and that I couldn’t really control it. I also knew that B had been up late and up early, and had a test to study for so would be up late/early again. But I wasn’t about to go out there and try to explain that I didn’t mean to distract her. One of my biggest self-worth issues is an almost-constant feeling that my presence/actions are a nuisance to people, and for me it was kind of proved in that. But I knew also that I was being irrational in some ways, and so I just decided whatever, I’d try to be more careful in the future. (FYI this was also after a night of being out to dinner with, among others, the boy I still really really like and the girl he chose over me.)

Today I saw B in the honors dept. office on my way to class. It was her, two other students who I know are in her committee group, and one faculty advisor. I figured they were having a meeting, because candidates’ weekend is coming up fast and there’s a lot to do. I’ve said hi to her during meetings before and she’s given me minor hell for it, so today I just walked by, not wanting to interrupt. Then she says, “Oh, thanks, no love for you too.” I came back and told her she had looked busy and I didn’t want to interrupt her, since I knew things were about to get hectic. And she seemed okay with it.

Tonight at practice I picked up the girl scout cookies I ordered from the one clarinet player. I got 4 boxes - one each of three different kinds for all us roommates to share, and a box of samoas for me because they’re my favorites! So when I got home today, B and her friend (my friend too) are studying together at the table for a nursing project. I came in, said the hi-how-are-you stuff. Friend tells a story about how life sucks sometimes, and I went into my room to get the computer. Which by the way is fixed. I was going to chill on the couch, not say anything, just chat and whatever, since I only had about an hour until I had to go to bed. I was even putting up with all the needle talk, which usually makes me nauseous. Just hanging out.

I had the brilliant idea to go into my room, get one box of samoas, and bring it out and offer it to them if they wanted a study break. Friend says she’s ‘watching her figure’ and doesn’t really like them anyway, and B says she really dislikes them. I was kind of like, oh, okay, whatever. Roommate A shows up and I offer her some too. She says she doesn’t like caramel or coconut, and besides, she really shouldn’t eat cookies.

I am not the thinnest person, and I’m starting to think my mother’s constant judgment of this when I was younger gave me a serious anxiety complex over it. I’m not like fat either, but I’m definitely not thin. But now I’m the only one around to eat these cookies. So I’m sitting there on the couch thinking, as my friends all discuss how fat they each are not, what a pig I must look like, having now 2 boxes that I have to finish by myself. But I didn’t say anything and went back to my computer.

Somehow a discussion got started about how it’s passive-aggressive to not say when you have a problem with things in the communal apartment space, but to just put up with them or snark about them in an undertone instead. Roommate A says she hates, abhors, passive-aggressiveness and that B does it all the time. By now Roommate C is there saying nothing, and I should have just listened to the voice that told me not to either. But I value honesty, and I wasn’t trying to be hurtful, so I figured, why not? So I said, “A, can I tell you something honestly and not get criticized for it?” in kind of a joking way, because I knew she wasn’t going to flip out at me or anything. “You’re a bit passive-aggressive yourself sometimes.”

This is where B cuts in and goes “NO! Just say whatever you want to say and get it over with.” So, I said, “I’m…sorry,” being a little confused again. Did I do something wrong by prefacing my comment with asking if it was okay to be frank? And B said, “Was that all you had to say? That A was passive-aggressive too?”

At which point I cried. In front of everyone, yeah. And I am 100% sure I am not over-emotional today. Nope. But I lied and told them I was, and that I wasn’t really upset, it was just uncontrollable. But it was a lie. And I love A forever for telling B that it was totally uncalled for to yell like that.

I started trying to work out in my head why it had happened this time. They were studying, yes, but not at the time - all 3 roommates and Friend were having an actual, non-study conversation. So I wasn’t being a distraction. And I wasn’t talking to B, but to A, so I don’t see how I was saying anything offensive to her. What I came up with - and what started me crying again, and made me go and take a shower so I could do all my crying in there instead - was that I must have some habit of talking that she just can’t stand, and she finally decided to yell about it.

After shower, I told A, who is my actual bedroom-mate, that I lied about being over-emotional and she was like yeah, she knew that. And that B had been way out of line and that during my shower she had told her so. I do so love my roomie sometimes. So now, I feel a little better, but really, there has been a lot of crying going on. I just feel like I’ve failed so horribly these past few days.

So I apologize again if I’ve been remiss in talking to you, or seemed short-tempered. I didn’t intend to. …And serious apologies to my newest flist addition for having a rantyrant be the first thing she gets to read.

ranting, sad entry is sad, friends, computer, emo post is emo, issues, college

Previous post Next post
Up