"I am Thinking of your voice"
Title: "The Guilty Affair." (11/?)
Author: villegirl17 aka Brittley
Summary: A one night stand that almost costs Ville everything.
Rating: PG-13-NC-17 (definitely changes status quickly)
Paring: VAM, Ville and Jussi69 or Vussi, Jyrki and Jussi
Disclaimer: Sure it's real, just like me being rich!
A/N: Here's how Jussi fixes his love life!!
Chs. 1-10 : villegirl17.livejournal.com/tag/jussi
Ch. 11
Jussi ran out the front door yelling for Jyrki...
Jussi's POV:
He finally caught up with Jyrki and was now kneeling down holding on to his legs. It would have been embarassing since they were in a public park, but because of how early it was no one was around.
"Jussi get up and stop being a fool!"
Jyrki said making him shake his head and hold on tighter as the tears spilled renewed. He couldn't believe he did this, that he was there now begging Jyrki to stay was terrifying. He started whimpering softly thinking about how he was losing him.
"Jussi shit! Get-up already."
His voice was calm which scared Jussi even more. He wanted the yelling even if it were the last time he spoke to him. He wanted to feel something before he walked out of his life and took his heart with him.
'I'm so-sorry Jyrki. Pl-please believe me. I'm so sorry."
He pleaded with all his strength in Finnish still not looking up. He could feel the cold Helsinki air cutting into his body but it was nothing compared to the chill of his heart breaking.
"Oh you're sorry?? You fuck Ville Valo, and you're sorry! I bet that's never been said before."
He listened to the singer talk about Ville as if it were a joke and the whole time he remained stoic and calm. It was such a shock that Jussi backed up a bit. They stayed like that, him swallowing down his grief and regret and Jyrki unmoving and silent while he held his legs. The wind whistling through their hair and the dead stillness of the world waiting. Waiting like their next words would determine the entire world's fate. At least it would determine Jussi's.
"Why did you do it?? Isn't it enough to just have me?"
Jyrki spoke first knowing that Jussi wouldn't. He almost died at how heartwrenching his lover sounded. Although they were probably breaking up, his words sent some misleading hope coursing through the drummer. He thought he could save them if he could just convince him how much he meant to him. He had to let Jyrki know that he was his everything.
"You are enough for me baby. I swear it, but I'm...I'm not so sure I'm enough for you."
"Oh so it's my fault you're a slut?"
Damn. He thought thinking maybe he started that off bad. He actually flinched when he called him a slut which was enough time for Jyrki to get loose from him. Jussi was too ashamed and broken to get up so he just sat on the frigid earth believing he deserved it.
"I don't know it you love me Jyrki. I want to hear it, feel it, and be shown that you do but I just don't know."
"What the fuck are you talking about? You know I love you Jussi. Shit why else do you think I put up with your ass?"
Jussi bawled like he did last night in Ville's arms. He wanted to die right then and there. Anything to kill this pain. Why couldn't he see how much he was hurting him be being so cold?
"When...when we make love I-"
"Shut up Jussi. Just shut the fuck up or I swear I'll-"
"You'll WHAT?? You already killed my soul Jyrki. You can't do anything else but listen. Please!"
He wiped some of the tears away as he waited for another comment from the other man but he didn't get any. He dared to look up letting the pain radiate through his eyes.
"When we make love you hide yourself from me. You don't even talk to me before or after we're done. It's like I'm not real to you."
He paused to gulp in some much needed air because bearing his soul like this was so humiliating but he knew he had to tell him. If it was the only way to fix this mess, that he had to.
"I feel like you only want me when you need to get laid Jyrki and if you love me I shouldn't feel like that. I love you more than my next breath, and I don't know if you even want me in your bed at nights."
Jussi sunk his head back down to the ground losing all pride with that statement. He was about to ask Jyrki to forgive him again when he was suddenly engulfed in his arms. Confused and afraid, he just shook letting him hug him. Was this the last time he'd touch him? Could he learn to live without him?
"My poor Enkeli why didn't you tell me? Why did you let me treat you like that?"
Jyrki held him tighter as he rocked them back and forth slowly. Jussi didn't know what to do so he just let him hold him.
"I love you Jussi. Everyday I love you, and I'm gonna try to tell you that more often. I promise I'll be better for you."
He felt Jyrki pull his head up before he kissed him. He whimpered into the kiss closing his eyes and wrapping his arms around him. He couldn't believe it that things weren't actually stacked so high against them.
"Are-ar-...are you still mad at me for sleeping with Ville?"
He looked at his hands not wanting to break their new found trust so easily. Jyrki lifted his head up again holding on to the sides of his face firmly. He was staring in his blue eyes seriously.
"Just because you make a stupid mistake doesn't mean I'm ready to let you go but I would be lying if I said I'm not still mad about it. I know now that I'm partially responsible for ignoring you so...so just promise me you won't do it again."
"I won't baby. I promise I won't hurt you like that again."
Jyrki seemed satisfied with that as he went back to kissing him and telling him how special he really was.
"Jyrki?"
"Yes baby?"
"Do...do you think we can go home now?"
Jussi's voice shook when he spoke as he finally was feeling the cold air and ground getting to him. Jyrki smiled picking his shorter frame up and he started walking back to his home. Damn anyone who would see them on the way back, Jussi thought because he finally was loved...
** Hehe how sweet I know, and how very good for Jussi! More soon since I have to fix our fav. boys!**