I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive...11/?
I felt really stupid for breaking down like this in front of him.
It wasn’t fair.
I was usually so good at hiding my real feelings behind an indifferent mask, but I guess I couldn’t hold them in any longer.
It felt nice, having his arms around me. I guess I was kind of deprived of any form of affection, and he knew how to make people feel better, when they desperately needed it.
I drew a deep breath and continued, “They - sometimes they beat me up...those were the days when I - came here...I’d stay for ages before I had to go back, a-and go through it all again.”
There was a great sense of relief that I felt when I said those words, like I’d let something go. I rubbed the salty wetness away from under my eyes, but it was only replaced by fresh tears.
Brendon’s hand found its way into my hair, fingers pulling through it gently and I pressed myself against him as he murmured, “Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
His voice had an undercurrent of anger running through it and he pulled me closer, looking down into my eyes.
“I don’t know,” I whispered, and he simply held me, stroking my hair.
It felt...strange, but I didn’t care.
The house was completely silent; I remembered that Spencer’s parents were both at work, and neither Spencer nor Jon was up.
“You know -” Brendon started to say something but then broke off, flushing.
I looked up at him. “What?”
He shook his head, muttering, “No, it doesn’t matter, it was stupid...”
I locked my eyes with his and asked, “What were you going to say yesterday then?”
I’d only just remembered, because this conversation was like the one that we’d had yesterday, when he hadn’t finished whatever it was he had been about to say.
He flushed, and I narrowed my eyes, knowing that he remembered too.
“I...um -”
I gave him a look.
I’m not putting up with any crap, you know that...
Brendon’s shoulders slumped, sinking forward to rest his forehead on his knees, grabbing a fistful of hair in each hand.
“You - you never believe...what other people tell you,” he said, his voice muffled. “You’re - everybody was...staring at us on that first day, and - it was like, they all wanted...”
He groaned, as though he couldn’t put what he was thinking into words.
I hadn’t seen him like this once, in the week that I’d known him.
It felt like I’d known him my whole life.
“You’re different,” he said finally, looking up at me. “The way everybody stared at you...why do you feel so awful about yourself?”
All I could do was stare at him, feeling my jaw slacken.
“You’re so attractive in so many ways,” he murmured, turning his face away from me as his face grew steadily redder. “I don’t get why you don’t see it.”
What. The. HELL?!
~Brendon~
I can so not believe I just said that.
Ryan was staring at me, but his eyes were blank, as though his mind was elsewhere.
I moaned, sinking forwards onto my knees, hitting the floor with a thump. It hurt.
Ugh, I’m such an idiot, why the hell would I say something like that, that’s so retarded, he doesn’t feel the same way, and now I’ve blown it, what an -
Shuddering as an arm crept around my shoulders, I acknowledged Ryan’s presence with a nod, turning my face away.
He slipped down on the floor next to me, pressing his warm cheek against mine and asking softly, “Do you want to go for a walk, Bren?”
He stood without waiting for an answer, and grabbed my hand. I scrambled up and we left the house in utter silence, not speaking to each other as we walked down the street. I think it was about ten or something like that, and I felt absolutely exhausted.
----
I...couldn’t say exactly where we went. After all, I wasn’t really paying attention, wrapped up in my thoughts as I was.
Or rather, I didn’t know how we got there, because after what seemed like hours, or maybe it was only a few minutes, we reached a little park.
Oh, yes. It was one that I’d found when I’d been exploring, when we’d first moved here.
Ryan moved over to sit under a tree with enormous roots and patted the ground next to him. Dumbly, I obeyed, looking firmly away from him as I did so.
He was so thin. So thin. It was painful to look at, him sitting next to me, so fragile looking. And yet his body was beautiful. I could tell, even under his clothes, that his tall figure was perfectly formed.
Maybe that’s why it’s so painful...
“I’m...not attractive, Bren,” he said quietly, staring at his knees.
He glanced at me, his perfect wide golden eyes flashing over my face, pale face set in the image of seriousness, and, honestly, how could I see him otherwise?
It made me want to cry.
“Do you have frickin’ Body Dysmorphic Disorder or something?” I yelled at him. “You’re beautiful Ryan, why can’t you see it?”
That’s it; I’ve finally lost it -
Ryan went silent; he simply gazed at the roots of the tree we were sitting on.
I was scared I’d gone too far.
“I -” he began, biting his bottom lip and falling silent again.
I didn’t dare put my arms around him like I usually did. I didn’t know what that would do.
“One day,” he said gently, turning to me, “I will show you why I am not as beautiful as you think I am.”
He took my face in his hands, stroking his thumbs over my cheeks. “I promise.”
Then Ryan leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine gently.
I think my heart stopped at that moment, then raced along frantically, like it was trying to outrun all my other senses, which dulled for a moment before coming back as sharp as ever. I felt the softness of his lips, felt the warmth of his breath on my skin, saw his features so clearly that I ached inside just from looking at him.
At that moment, I wanted it all.
My breath caught in my throat, and Ryan looked terrified; whatever my face looked like, it clearly frightened him.
“I - I should go...” he stammered, pushing himself up and starting to walk away.
“Wait -” I reached out my hand almost pleadingly, then drew it back as he turned to look at me.
I stumbled up and walked over to him, giving him a quick hug before letting go and looking seriously at him, asking, “Was that...intentional?”
Ryan blushed, drawing a deep breath. “Um...”
“Okay, never mind,” I said hurriedly and kept walking, shoving my hands in my pockets with some difficulty.
I could hear him following me but I didn’t turn until I saw him out of the corner of my eye. I tilted my head, looking at him curiously, but at the same time I was just in sheer shock.
He ran his tongue over the edge of his teeth nervously, before saying, “Do you...well, you know how you think hugs make everything better?”
I looked at him, my face flaming. “Yeah?”
“Well...” He blushed furiously, avoiding my eyes as we walked. “Do you think...kissing does the same thing?”
Okay, we’re having this conversation now, a week after we first met...I didn’t even know he was gay, for god’s sake, I don’t even know whether I am...that’s a scary thought...
“I wouldn’t know,” I said, my voice surprisingly calm. “I’ve never kissed before.”
He flinched as though I’d hit him. I felt really awful.
Why me?
~Ryan~
Crap.
The way he’d looked at me when I’d kissed him; it replayed in my head, over and over, haunting me whenever I shut my eyes.
We’d walked back to Spencer’s without once exchanging a word, greeting Spencer and Jon as normally as we could without letting on that anything had happened.
I saw a flicker of something deep in Spencer’s bright blue eyes, and at that moment I saw that he knew, goddamn it, that something had happened between us, something we were hiding.
How the hell can he know?
Jon, however, was not so observant, and hassled us continually throughout the day.
“So what did you do on your little walk then?” he teased. “Anything interesting?”
It was only after Spencer took him downstairs for a short period of time, leaving us in his room to endure the uncomfortable silence that hung heavy in the air between us, did he finally stop his taunts and leave us alone, instead observing us carefully.
Watching.
I can’t believe I am that stupid...I’d finally found another friend, and then I went and ruined what we’d developed in such a short space of time, why can’t I just be a normal person, who has normal relationships...
I’m not normal, that’s the whole problem...
Brendon...avoided me. That’s the only way I can describe it.
And as for me...well, I didn’t know whose company I wanted.
My own suited me just fine. It meant I could do things to myself that nobody, not even Spencer, knew about.
I don’t know whether I felt relieved or angrier by doing these things.
I guess it was better then, that they didn’t know.
What I’d done...I’d gone and destroyed what there had ever been between us. I didn’t know a great deal about relationships, but I knew that what I’d done meant we’d never be the same.
Never have what I’d had in that week, the one week that I felt the happiest I had ever felt before in my life.
Something had changed within both of us, something irreversible.
They knew it, and so did I.
Gone.
*angst, angst, angst* Let me know before I go insane