I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive...7/?
I walked into Spencer’s room, Brendon following close behind me. He closed the door and flung himself face down on the bed, and I couldn’t help noticing again.
It’s like he’s trying to tease me...
“Jon would’ve taken that the wrong way, you know that. Now what’s wrong?” said Brendon, brightly, as always. He folded his arms under his chin, and looked innocently up at me.
I forced myself down next to him; it wasn’t that I didn’t want to be near him, I was just really confused. Brendon was staring at me with an expression that I didn’t recognise, and I curled my body into a ball against his, not facing him.
I felt my lip slip into a pout and I bit it, trying to stop myself from crying, screaming, whatever I was most likely to do, and felt Brendon’s arm slip around my waist, pulling me around to face him.
His eyes questioned me far stronger than words could ever do, and my skin grew hot under the intensity of his gaze.
It was odd how he could make me feel like this, and I could almost hear his voice in my head:
Something’s wrong, isn’t it Ry, why won’t you just tell me, I want to help...
Truth was, I didn’t know if he could.
Surreptitiously, I glanced down at his body. Then I wished I hadn’t.
He was lying on his side, in a way that curved his body into a perfect s-shape, particularly obvious in his tight jeans and tee.
Blood rushed to my cheeks, but he didn’t seem to have noticed, instead asking, “Ry?” He was still waiting for an answer.
I laughed shakily. “Spencer...he just tried to - kiss me...I think.” I was surprised that my voice was actually working, seeing as Brendon had just squashed all my breath out of me.
“Really?” Brendon eyes shot to my face and I blushed again. His eyes had turned sort of flat, like all the warmth had been drawn out of them.
“Did you - “ My skin tingled as his hand found its way to my waist. “Did you like it?” The tips of his fingers traced lightly over my skin.
“No,” I said automatically. “He didn’t get near enough to actually...that’s why I came to find you.” My stomach did a weird sort of flip, being so close to him.
Stop, stop, stop, oh holy shit...
“You don’t like him in that way, do you?” Brendon asked in hushed tones, touching my cheek and staring at the drop of water on the tip of his finger. I was crying? Crap.
“I could see it,” he whispered, and all I could do was stare at him, transfixed. “From the minute I met him, I knew, and I wondered if you felt the same.”
I shut my eyes, feeling hot tears run down my cheeks. I hated myself for being seen like this, especially by Brendon.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, barely coherent. “I should go - um...I - “
“Ryan, stop.” Brendon folded his arms around me, drawing me close to his body. I was becoming used to how he felt, his softness, and warmth, so unlike me, hard and cold and unfeeling for so long.
Pressing my face into his chest, I shivered as his fingers brushed the bare skin on my back. My shirt must have ridden up a bit, but I didn’t care. They traced up my spine and into my hair, stroking it while I cried.
“I don’t understand - why w-would he...you know...I mean, look at me!” I burst out, the tears streaming. Brendon pulled my head back by my hair and narrowed his eyes.
“You know why,” he growled, his eyes black. That freaked me out.
He suddenly sat up, pushing me away. My breath hitched in my chest and he smiled sadly, mouthing, “Someone’s coming up the stairs.”
~Brendon~
I pushed the door shut behind me and threw myself on the bed.
“Jon would’ve taken that the wrong way, you know that,” I said, trying to make my voice cheerful. “Now what’s wrong?”
Ryan threw himself down next to me. He looked miserable, kind of like when he’d cried at school that day. I just wanted to hug his painfully thin body, but I didn’t think that’d go down too well. Then he turned away from me, curling against my side.
It gave me the chance to look at him properly without him being aware; sure, I’d seen him at school, but that wasn’t the same thing.
I hated to think it, but Ryan was thin. Almost too thin.
The sharp angle of his shoulder blade jutting out from his body was visible even under the tee shirt. My gaze travelled down his back and landed on the strip of skin between his jeans and tee.
Then there was his ass, which was tiny compared to mine, but still hot...
Why the hell am I thinking like this?
I drew in a rough breath and rolled onto my side, when I felt the shudder of Ryan’s body beside me.
Instantly I slipped my arm around his waist, turning him over to look at me. His cheeks turned a light pink colour as I stared into his eyes, trying to understand what was going through his head. He averted his eyes and only turned redder.
I still didn’t get why he did that, turn red every other minute.
“Ry?” I didn’t want to push him, but I did want to know.
Ryan gave what I think was meant to be a laugh.
“Spencer...he just tried to - kiss me...I think,” he breathed, as though he didn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth. My brain went into shock, my eyes flicking to his face. For a moment I couldn’t think straight.
“Really?” Was all I came out with, and he flinched as though I’d hit him. I rested my hand on his waist and asked tentatively, “Did you - did you like it?”
Suddenly I had to know. The thought of it was gnawing at my insides and he answered so quickly I almost didn’t believe him.
“No, he didn’t get near enough to actually...” He seemed to change his mind halfway through and muttered, “That’s why I came to find you.”
“You don’t like him that way, do you?” I felt awful, but I had to ask. I wanted to know.
I needed to know.
Tears leaked out from under his eyelids and I reached over, catching one salty tear on the pad of my finger. Then I felt compelled to continue.
“I could see it. From the minute I met him, I knew, and I wondered if you felt the same.” He stared at me, horrified, and then closed his eyes as though hiding from me.
“I’m sorry,” he said, and I could barely understand what he said next.
Pulling him against my body, I murmured, “Ryan, stop.”
I pressed my hands to his back, holding him close to me, revelling in this chance to do so, because I knew that when Spencer and Jon came in, I wouldn’t be able to do this without subjecting Ryan to torture for the rest of his life. I gently moved my hands up his back and pulled my fingers through his hair. He leaned into me and I would have sighed, if it weren’t for his present state.
“I don’t understand - why w-would he...you know...I mean, look at me!” Ryan threw the words out painfully, fresh tears running down his face and soaking into my shirt. Blood pounded in my ears, obliterating any sense I had left.
How can he say something like that?
Grabbing a fistful of hair, I yanked his head back, away from me, and said, “You know why!”
Ryan cringed. Hearing the sound of a footfall on the stairs, I froze, pushing Ryan away. Confusion, fear, hurt flashed through his eyes and I had to mouth quickly, “Someone’s coming up the stairs.”
He nodded, wiping at the eyeliner which had come off. Sniffing, he sat up, watching me as I did the same.
Listening to whoever it was pass the door and continue down the hall, my muscles slowly relaxed. Ryan was less composed, and sighed in relief. He slowly sank back into the bed, looking so fragile, turning away again.
“Why - why can’t you see it?” I tested each word before saying it.
He looked over his shoulder, confused. “W-what?”
“What you are - “
Oh, crap.
I hadn’t registered the creak outside, and so the door smashed open, courtesy of Jon.
Ryan jumped as though he’d been electrified and scrambled into a sitting position as Jon walked through with Spencer.
Without thinking, I narrowed my eyes at him, scrutinising. The skin around his eyes was red and puffy, though hardly noticeable, and Jon’s arm slipped from his shoulders a fraction of a second before they came in.
Jon hadn’t missed Ryan’s sudden movement, but he didn’t say anything, though I could tell that he was aching to. I shook my head slightly at him.
I could be serious when I wanted to. But this wasn’t the time for it.
“WOO!” I leapt up on the bed and Ryan looked up at me as if were mad. “What are we going to do tonight?” I tried to make my voice exude hyperactivity.
Ryan giggled. I could see he was making an effort to appear as though nothing had happened between anyone in this room. “You know that sounds wrong, Bren!”
Spencer spoke up then, and the room went silent on the part of Ryan and me; Jon just grinned: “We’re gonna play truth or dare tonight.”
I sat down and hugged Ryan, pressing my face into his chest, partly because I knew he needed it, and partly because I needed it. He glanced at me, looking terrified. I knew what was going through his head because it was going through mine.
Oh. Shit.
It’s like he’s trying to tease me...
“Jon would’ve taken that the wrong way, you know that. Now what’s wrong?” said Brendon, brightly, as always. He folded his arms under his chin, and looked innocently up at me.
I forced myself down next to him; it wasn’t that I didn’t want to be near him, I was just really confused. Brendon was staring at me with an expression that I didn’t recognise, and I curled my body into a ball against his, not facing him.
I felt my lip slip into a pout and I bit it, trying to stop myself from crying, screaming, whatever I was most likely to do, and felt Brendon’s arm slip around my waist, pulling me around to face him.
His eyes questioned me far stronger than words could ever do, and my skin grew hot under the intensity of his gaze.
It was odd how he could make me feel like this, and I could almost hear his voice in my head:
Something’s wrong, isn’t it Ry, why won’t you just tell me, I want to help...
Truth was, I didn’t know if he could.
Surreptitiously, I glanced down at his body. Then I wished I hadn’t.
He was lying on his side, in a way that curved his body into a perfect s-shape, particularly obvious in his tight jeans and tee.
Blood rushed to my cheeks, but he didn’t seem to have noticed, instead asking, “Ry?” He was still waiting for an answer.
I laughed shakily. “Spencer...he just tried to - kiss me...I think.” I was surprised that my voice was actually working, seeing as Brendon had just squashed all my breath out of me.
“Really?” Brendon eyes shot to my face and I blushed again. His eyes had turned sort of flat, like all the warmth had been drawn out of them.
“Did you - “ My skin tingled as his hand found its way to my waist. “Did you like it?” The tips of his fingers traced lightly over my skin.
“No,” I said automatically. “He didn’t get near enough to actually...that’s why I came to find you.” My stomach did a weird sort of flip, being so close to him.
Stop, stop, stop, oh holy shit...
“You don’t like him in that way, do you?” Brendon asked in hushed tones, touching my cheek and staring at the drop of water on the tip of his finger. I was crying? Crap.
“I could see it,” he whispered, and all I could do was stare at him, transfixed. “From the minute I met him, I knew, and I wondered if you felt the same.”
I shut my eyes, feeling hot tears run down my cheeks. I hated myself for being seen like this, especially by Brendon.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, barely coherent. “I should go - um...I - “
“Ryan, stop.” Brendon folded his arms around me, drawing me close to his body. I was becoming used to how he felt, his softness, and warmth, so unlike me, hard and cold and unfeeling for so long.
Pressing my face into his chest, I shivered as his fingers brushed the bare skin on my back. My shirt must have ridden up a bit, but I didn’t care. They traced up my spine and into my hair, stroking it while I cried.
“I don’t understand - why w-would he...you know...I mean, look at me!” I burst out, the tears streaming. Brendon pulled my head back by my hair and narrowed his eyes.
“You know why,” he growled, his eyes black. That freaked me out.
He suddenly sat up, pushing me away. My breath hitched in my chest and he smiled sadly, mouthing, “Someone’s coming up the stairs.”
~Brendon~
I pushed the door shut behind me and threw myself on the bed.
“Jon would’ve taken that the wrong way, you know that,” I said, trying to make my voice cheerful. “Now what’s wrong?”
Ryan threw himself down next to me. He looked miserable, kind of like when he’d cried at school that day. I just wanted to hug his painfully thin body, but I didn’t think that’d go down too well. Then he turned away from me, curling against my side.
It gave me the chance to look at him properly without him being aware; sure, I’d seen him at school, but that wasn’t the same thing.
I hated to think it, but Ryan was thin. Almost too thin.
The sharp angle of his shoulder blade jutting out from his body was visible even under the tee shirt. My gaze travelled down his back and landed on the strip of skin between his jeans and tee.
Then there was his ass, which was tiny compared to mine, but still hot...
Why the hell am I thinking like this?
I drew in a rough breath and rolled onto my side, when I felt the shudder of Ryan’s body beside me.
Instantly I slipped my arm around his waist, turning him over to look at me. His cheeks turned a light pink colour as I stared into his eyes, trying to understand what was going through his head. He averted his eyes and only turned redder.
I still didn’t get why he did that, turn red every other minute.
“Ry?” I didn’t want to push him, but I did want to know.
Ryan gave what I think was meant to be a laugh.
“Spencer...he just tried to - kiss me...I think,” he breathed, as though he didn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth. My brain went into shock, my eyes flicking to his face. For a moment I couldn’t think straight.
“Really?” Was all I came out with, and he flinched as though I’d hit him. I rested my hand on his waist and asked tentatively, “Did you - did you like it?”
Suddenly I had to know. The thought of it was gnawing at my insides and he answered so quickly I almost didn’t believe him.
“No, he didn’t get near enough to actually...” He seemed to change his mind halfway through and muttered, “That’s why I came to find you.”
“You don’t like him that way, do you?” I felt awful, but I had to ask. I wanted to know.
I needed to know.
Tears leaked out from under his eyelids and I reached over, catching one salty tear on the pad of my finger. Then I felt compelled to continue.
“I could see it. From the minute I met him, I knew, and I wondered if you felt the same.” He stared at me, horrified, and then closed his eyes as though hiding from me.
“I’m sorry,” he said, and I could barely understand what he said next.
Pulling him against my body, I murmured, “Ryan, stop.”
I pressed my hands to his back, holding him close to me, revelling in this chance to do so, because I knew that when Spencer and Jon came in, I wouldn’t be able to do this without subjecting Ryan to torture for the rest of his life. I gently moved my hands up his back and pulled my fingers through his hair. He leaned into me and I would have sighed, if it weren’t for his present state.
“I don’t understand - why w-would he...you know...I mean, look at me!” Ryan threw the words out painfully, fresh tears running down his face and soaking into my shirt. Blood pounded in my ears, obliterating any sense I had left.
How can he say something like that?
Grabbing a fistful of hair, I yanked his head back, away from me, and said, “You know why!”
Ryan cringed. Hearing the sound of a footfall on the stairs, I froze, pushing Ryan away. Confusion, fear, hurt flashed through his eyes and I had to mouth quickly, “Someone’s coming up the stairs.”
He nodded, wiping at the eyeliner which had come off. Sniffing, he sat up, watching me as I did the same.
Listening to whoever it was pass the door and continue down the hall, my muscles slowly relaxed. Ryan was less composed, and sighed in relief. He slowly sank back into the bed, looking so fragile, turning away again.
“Why - why can’t you see it?” I tested each word before saying it.
He looked over his shoulder, confused. “W-what?”
“What you are - “
Oh, crap.
I hadn’t registered the creak outside, and so the door smashed open, courtesy of Jon.
Ryan jumped as though he’d been electrified and scrambled into a sitting position as Jon walked through with Spencer.
Without thinking, I narrowed my eyes at him, scrutinising. The skin around his eyes was red and puffy, though hardly noticeable, and Jon’s arm slipped from his shoulders a fraction of a second before they came in.
Jon hadn’t missed Ryan’s sudden movement, but he didn’t say anything, though I could tell that he was aching to. I shook my head slightly at him.
I could be serious when I wanted to. But this wasn’t the time for it.
“WOO!” I leapt up on the bed and Ryan looked up at me as if were mad. “What are we going to do tonight?” I tried to make my voice exude hyperactivity.
Ryan giggled. I could see he was making an effort to appear as though nothing had happened between anyone in this room. “You know that sounds wrong, Bren!”
Spencer spoke up then, and the room went silent on the part of Ryan and me; Jon just grinned: “We’re gonna play truth or dare tonight.”
I sat down and hugged Ryan, pressing my face into his chest, partly because I knew he needed it, and partly because I needed it. He glanced at me, looking terrified. I knew what was going through his head because it was going through mine.
Oh. Shit.