Life...
Sometimes this illness just gets to be too much. I dont make an attempt on my life or anything when it does... I hide up in my room and cry and refuse to go down to dinner. What if you're controlling thoughts are to do with whatever youre trying to avoid. You dont force an ill person into something they dont feel like taking part in, I wouldn't have thought. You especially dont force them into something that distresses them...
Which is kinda what he did now... by asking me a few times whether I want to go down and eat with them, and then being really rude to me since he had to do dishes or because I worried him or god knows for what reason he was rude. I then took a walk... And he was really nice to me when he opened to the door for me when I got back. Its just soo confusing. Mostly, when I want some space he's in my face, and when I want comfort, theres a real lack of support on his part.
It reminds me of this really diabolic case once that still kills me, where I was suffering and he pushed me right into what was making me suffer. This was on New Years Eve too. Instead of comforting me, or at least allowing me to comfort myself, he did that. It wassnt official that I was ill at this time, but he could have figured that I was or that I was going to be after it, lol. Whats worse is that he even told me that I was so unbelievable that he hadnt seen anything like it! He asked me to pull myself together to help myself and to help the family. What a dumbass. Its memories like this that kill me everyday. Whats really bad, is that the New Year after that, I told him that I was having bad flashbacks from the New Year before, and he said he didnt know what caused me such bad memories! He just had no clue. Give me a break you idiotic asshole. He doesnt seem to give me a break which is why Im considering community housing.
So yeah, Im pretty down and being mind controlled by crap. I just got a call which made me decide that Im going to open mic soon, so thats good.