Last night...
I had quite a break down where there were just too many unbearable thoughts. I had no choice but to lie down comfortably and close my eyes until I drifted off.
I thought about how I feel like such a pathetic, senseless, confused ass. This is due to me having memories, and realisations even about how the professionals that I see put me down and intimidate me more. Not the social workers but the psychiatrist and the psychologist. I had these striking thoughts about how he actually asked me if I thought people understand in a suggestion that he doesn't . I'm in those sessions, anxious and nervous as hell, and my attempts at being articulate are either too much or not enough. It makes me feel like such a pathetic, hopless ass. I shouldn't have sat there trying to answer that shitface when I didn't know what to say. Honestly, how is making me completely aware of that helping me when I am trying to help them to help a me and I'm trying to be articulate in my replies. That will either intimidate me more due to harsh realisation of a possible strange quality of mine, make me more socially anxious or prevent me from being articulate, and it did all of those things. I kind of was a lot more basic with them after that question and my dad's reminder of it. I went there and I felt like so agitated and unfullfilled, it's not like I didn't feel anxious before he pointed it out but I felt I was naturally tackling my social fear head on and attempting to make the most of the sessions at first. Now I go there, and it's all casual talk, and very basic and careful so called 'analysis' on my part. I would otherwise analyse in my own time and in my sessions, of course they wouldn't be basic concepts becase none of this is basic. I would expect them to co-operate thinking that they could keep up with my substantial and fairly abstract theories seeing as it's a part of their job, but they don't and claim that it's me and my frame of mind that's absract and all over the place.
My psychologist fell asleep in one of our sessions a few weeks ago, just when I couldn't feel more like a crippled pathetic idiot. I say that because I know that I can be a lot more receptive in my sessions, yet it's things like that that leave me feeling like I'm less capable of it and ultimately intimidate me. It's as if I'm urging to acheive something, and on the brink of it but left feeling very dissapointed (hence the 'crippled') She later pointed out that she did that because my thought's are all over the place and not linking, in other words: I'm not being analytical and articulate. Again, I'm left wondering, what the hell is it that's expected of me in these sessions that are supposed to be my therapy. Why can't these people support me, and do their best to cooperate with me?
With that question of his... I had a real urge last night, to have turned back to clock to then and just said that I can't do that and walked out for good. That comforted me in a way, so did the realisation that hit me like a todal wave, that's that why don't I just not attend these sessions anymore? They are very stressful and un-productive in many ways so why haven't I stopped seeing those two yet? So that is what I'm gonna do, if I can that is. I'm gonna continue seeing my social workers though, I HAVE to see someone... and the atmosphere with them is more relaxed. This conclusion helped me to fall asleep last night eventually.
I thought about how I feel like such a pathetic, senseless, confused ass. This is due to me having memories, and realisations even about how the professionals that I see put me down and intimidate me more. Not the social workers but the psychiatrist and the psychologist. I had these striking thoughts about how he actually asked me if I thought people understand in a suggestion that he doesn't . I'm in those sessions, anxious and nervous as hell, and my attempts at being articulate are either too much or not enough. It makes me feel like such a pathetic, hopless ass. I shouldn't have sat there trying to answer that shitface when I didn't know what to say. Honestly, how is making me completely aware of that helping me when I am trying to help them to help a me and I'm trying to be articulate in my replies. That will either intimidate me more due to harsh realisation of a possible strange quality of mine, make me more socially anxious or prevent me from being articulate, and it did all of those things. I kind of was a lot more basic with them after that question and my dad's reminder of it. I went there and I felt like so agitated and unfullfilled, it's not like I didn't feel anxious before he pointed it out but I felt I was naturally tackling my social fear head on and attempting to make the most of the sessions at first. Now I go there, and it's all casual talk, and very basic and careful so called 'analysis' on my part. I would otherwise analyse in my own time and in my sessions, of course they wouldn't be basic concepts becase none of this is basic. I would expect them to co-operate thinking that they could keep up with my substantial and fairly abstract theories seeing as it's a part of their job, but they don't and claim that it's me and my frame of mind that's absract and all over the place.
My psychologist fell asleep in one of our sessions a few weeks ago, just when I couldn't feel more like a crippled pathetic idiot. I say that because I know that I can be a lot more receptive in my sessions, yet it's things like that that leave me feeling like I'm less capable of it and ultimately intimidate me. It's as if I'm urging to acheive something, and on the brink of it but left feeling very dissapointed (hence the 'crippled') She later pointed out that she did that because my thought's are all over the place and not linking, in other words: I'm not being analytical and articulate. Again, I'm left wondering, what the hell is it that's expected of me in these sessions that are supposed to be my therapy. Why can't these people support me, and do their best to cooperate with me?
With that question of his... I had a real urge last night, to have turned back to clock to then and just said that I can't do that and walked out for good. That comforted me in a way, so did the realisation that hit me like a todal wave, that's that why don't I just not attend these sessions anymore? They are very stressful and un-productive in many ways so why haven't I stopped seeing those two yet? So that is what I'm gonna do, if I can that is. I'm gonna continue seeing my social workers though, I HAVE to see someone... and the atmosphere with them is more relaxed. This conclusion helped me to fall asleep last night eventually.