Every new beginning...
So here I am. I don't know exactly how to start this, so I guess I'll just dive in.
I still don't have a job but I am trying, seriously hard. I signed up for Job Seekers Allowance about 7 weeks ago and still haven't been paid anything. I had to give up doing Avon because the job centre didn't like the the fact that I worked on a comission basis. I really didn't want to give it up. I really enjoyed doing my Avon but with everything else happening as well, I wasn't giving it the time and dedication it needed anyway.
I've been seeing Josh recently, in a purely friendly way. It's been nice seeing him and I have fun at his but the more I'm with him the more I realise we were not right for each other. Something dramatic happened to him recently and I stayed over there the other night. He was really distraute and I didn't want to leave him alone. So I stayed over and we slept in the same bed together. We were both fully dressed but we were together none-the-less. I became aware during the night that he had put his arm over me, then I noticed he was pulling me closer. So I did what I thought was best. I snuggled into him and we held each other through the night. In the morning he said he was sorry if it was akward and thanked me for cuddleing him back. I wish I could tell you how I feel. But I don't honestly know myself. I think I still love him but my brain has taken over, or at least I'm listenning to it more. It says that there was a reason we broke up. But when I'm with him, it's so natural and I have to stop myself from doing things like holding his hand, kissing him and smacking his bum as he leaves or enters a room. Things that I would usually do automatically. It's strange, it's natural but not, the same but different, I wan him back but don't. I think maybe I'm just not used to it yet. I hope this gets easier with time.
Now, I suppose I must tell you about Stu. I'm sure you all remember him as the man who consumed and ruined my life. Well, he back. But he's not the same person he was. Nobody believes that he has changed, they all think he's just doing it to trap me in a web of lies or something. But I honestly and truly believe that he is a different person. In fact, he is so different to who he used to be that I don't even associate the present Stu to the past one. Besides anything else, I am different now. I am stronger, wiser, more confident. I know what I am doing and I know I can handle myself. People tend to look at me and see a defensless woman. Women can be just as strong as men, if not, more so. And I am a strong woman.
I suppose I should clarify Stu's involvment in my life. We started off just being friends, we would drink together along with other friends. The thing about Stu is that he is in the same boat as me. No job, no comittments, endless amounts of time to do nothing with. So, we spent that time together. After Josh and I broke up, (some time after, it wasn't immediatly) I spent with him, and other people. I liked the feeling of being wanted after being rejected so I did sleep around a little to try and make myself feel better. (I was safe, don't worry, I'm not an imbosile.) But I always went back to Stu. And now we've come to a silent arrangement. We didn't agree on anything, and nothing is set in stone, but there is a mutual agreement between us that we wont be with anyone else. So, if you want to clasify that, go ahead. But don't judge me, just trust me. I know who I am and I am someone who can look after herself.
I don't know what else to tell you. My 19th birthday was a bust. I got a half-arsed present from Ashley, a stolen present from Stu and a new phone from my parents. My party was crap. We got soaked because it decided to tip it down whilst we were outside, nobody got even close to drunk because everyone was skint, and we stayed out in the cold all night because nobody had a home we could go to.
I have met Ashley's new girlfriend, (That word seems wrong but I don't know what else to call her) Diana. I love her. She doesn't seem very Ashley, but I think she's fantastic. She is the only one of Ashley's girlfriends I have liked so you know that means she's a good person. I am a very good judge of character (most of the time) and I have a really good feeling about her. I hope all goes well for the both of them.
That's about all I can think of. Oh, just one more thing. Ashley is moving back home and into my old room, so guess where I'm going to go. In the back garden, in a tent. Lol. I don't mind really, in fact, I've always liked camping. I think I will enjoy my life in a tent.
Okay, I'm really out of stuff to tell you now so until next time.
Blessed Be
Hawk
XxxX
I still don't have a job but I am trying, seriously hard. I signed up for Job Seekers Allowance about 7 weeks ago and still haven't been paid anything. I had to give up doing Avon because the job centre didn't like the the fact that I worked on a comission basis. I really didn't want to give it up. I really enjoyed doing my Avon but with everything else happening as well, I wasn't giving it the time and dedication it needed anyway.
I've been seeing Josh recently, in a purely friendly way. It's been nice seeing him and I have fun at his but the more I'm with him the more I realise we were not right for each other. Something dramatic happened to him recently and I stayed over there the other night. He was really distraute and I didn't want to leave him alone. So I stayed over and we slept in the same bed together. We were both fully dressed but we were together none-the-less. I became aware during the night that he had put his arm over me, then I noticed he was pulling me closer. So I did what I thought was best. I snuggled into him and we held each other through the night. In the morning he said he was sorry if it was akward and thanked me for cuddleing him back. I wish I could tell you how I feel. But I don't honestly know myself. I think I still love him but my brain has taken over, or at least I'm listenning to it more. It says that there was a reason we broke up. But when I'm with him, it's so natural and I have to stop myself from doing things like holding his hand, kissing him and smacking his bum as he leaves or enters a room. Things that I would usually do automatically. It's strange, it's natural but not, the same but different, I wan him back but don't. I think maybe I'm just not used to it yet. I hope this gets easier with time.
Now, I suppose I must tell you about Stu. I'm sure you all remember him as the man who consumed and ruined my life. Well, he back. But he's not the same person he was. Nobody believes that he has changed, they all think he's just doing it to trap me in a web of lies or something. But I honestly and truly believe that he is a different person. In fact, he is so different to who he used to be that I don't even associate the present Stu to the past one. Besides anything else, I am different now. I am stronger, wiser, more confident. I know what I am doing and I know I can handle myself. People tend to look at me and see a defensless woman. Women can be just as strong as men, if not, more so. And I am a strong woman.
I suppose I should clarify Stu's involvment in my life. We started off just being friends, we would drink together along with other friends. The thing about Stu is that he is in the same boat as me. No job, no comittments, endless amounts of time to do nothing with. So, we spent that time together. After Josh and I broke up, (some time after, it wasn't immediatly) I spent with him, and other people. I liked the feeling of being wanted after being rejected so I did sleep around a little to try and make myself feel better. (I was safe, don't worry, I'm not an imbosile.) But I always went back to Stu. And now we've come to a silent arrangement. We didn't agree on anything, and nothing is set in stone, but there is a mutual agreement between us that we wont be with anyone else. So, if you want to clasify that, go ahead. But don't judge me, just trust me. I know who I am and I am someone who can look after herself.
I don't know what else to tell you. My 19th birthday was a bust. I got a half-arsed present from Ashley, a stolen present from Stu and a new phone from my parents. My party was crap. We got soaked because it decided to tip it down whilst we were outside, nobody got even close to drunk because everyone was skint, and we stayed out in the cold all night because nobody had a home we could go to.
I have met Ashley's new girlfriend, (That word seems wrong but I don't know what else to call her) Diana. I love her. She doesn't seem very Ashley, but I think she's fantastic. She is the only one of Ashley's girlfriends I have liked so you know that means she's a good person. I am a very good judge of character (most of the time) and I have a really good feeling about her. I hope all goes well for the both of them.
That's about all I can think of. Oh, just one more thing. Ashley is moving back home and into my old room, so guess where I'm going to go. In the back garden, in a tent. Lol. I don't mind really, in fact, I've always liked camping. I think I will enjoy my life in a tent.
Okay, I'm really out of stuff to tell you now so until next time.
Blessed Be
Hawk
XxxX